Speech by Jason McIntosh

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jason McIntosh
Speech Date: sep 2002
So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to thank the groom for his considerate words. You know I had a feeling it was going to be difficult to follow a speech by Andy, and I was right…..I couldn't follow a single word.

Just a few quick Announcements

Hotel Safety – Could you please refrain from jumping on the tables and chairs during the standing ovation at the end of my speech (Insurance reasons)!

Also, one for Lee – No swinging on the chandeliers (lights).

Telegrams / Cards
OK, on to the cards. We have received some messages from people who unfortunately couldn't be with us today.
Read messages……………….…
Andrew …… if it doesn't work out between you, call me …………George Micheal!

Introduction & Thank you's

On behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Andy & Rick their kind words and I'll think you'll agree they look fantastic and did a great job today. Again, thanks to Cath, Shophie and Little Amy. And thanks to the Ushers Ted, Stuart and Dave.

I would also like to offer my congratulations to Andrew & Joanne on their big day. They are a great couple and they look so happy together – lets just hope there as happy once this speech has is finished.

Thanks to Richard and Linda for organising today. People probably don't appreciate the amount of work that goes into arranging something like this and I think you will agree, they have done a great job.

Thanks to Dave and Judith for playing their part and all the support that you have given Andy over the years or he probably wouldn't be hear today.

Thanks also to all the stag do attendees, you really made it a memorable occasion for Andy ……… ………………………………………………

Bestman

Good Afternoon everybody, my name is Jason, and I am an alcoholic. Oops, sorry, that's last nights speech……….!

I have never been a best man before, and I am not renowned for my speech writing, But I'll try my best, ‘coz Andy said if I do a good job I can be Best Man at his next wedding, too. (I'm kidding. No, I really am.)
I'd just like to thank my Mother for buying me a book that had a chapter entitled ‘The Best Man Checklist’. I must confess I was perplexed by some of the things I was expected to do:

Help the groom dress – thanks, but no… If he hasn't learned by now…
Ensure that the groom:
Uses the toilet (again, no, I refuse);
his shoes are tied;
his face and hair are ‘in order’ (God didn't put them in order first time round, so what chance do I have?);
nothing's between his teeth (or is that his ears??); and
that his trouser flies are done up… Mmmm… now that would be a rareity

The role of Best Man comes with lots of responsibilities, one of which is to ensure that the Groom has a good nights sleep before the Wedding Day. I can assure you all that he slept like a baby last night. He woke up every hour, crying for his Mummy
Speaking of Judith … she was kind enough to dig out an old school report from his 3rd year senior …

SCHOOL REPORT
Here we have some examples
Geography
Andrew is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.
Biology
Whilst Andrew is often enthusiastic he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.
Religious Education
Andrews understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.
Technical Drawing
Andrew has always been a willing student but will always have trouble distinguishing between Inches and millimetres.

When I researched the Best man role, I found that there were three elements of the marriage,
They are as follows,
The Isle The longest walk you'll ever make
The Alter Where 2 becomes 1
The Hymn The Celebration of the Marriage
And do you know when Joanne and Andrew was standing at the isle, I thought I overheard Joanne say, Isle, Alter, Hymn,
[ I'll alter him.]

It's a great honour for me to be Andy's best man. Of course, the only problem with being the Best Man at a wedding is that you never get a chance to prove it… but if anyone wants to start a drinking competition….my name is Jason ‘would you like a drink’ McIntosh and please do not hesitate to call me by my full name later!!!
Being best man is probably the most terrifying ordeal you can inflict on anyone (leagally) – and I assure you that this is not the first time today that I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!! …………

One task that being a best man has is to tell some embarrassing stories about the groom. I have plenty of stories that I could tell you about Andy, fortunately for him alcohol has blurred many of them, and the others are really unsuitable for this occasion.

One thing I will say is that Andy has a distinct liking of womans undergarment and make-up (especially when drunk) ….Then I could mention ex girlfriends but most of them were wiped out during the Foot & Mouth epidemic!)

Sport

I share many things in common with Andy. We both have a great enthusiasm for watching and participating in football. Unfortunately our enthusiasm is matched by a woeful lack of skill, although Andy will tell you different. We have played a lot of 6-a-side football, and I'm sorry to say that in all the time that he's played we've found Andy to be useless in every position. Oh well Joanne, lets hope you have had better luck!!

Also his football knowledge is second to non .. example .. He's the only one of us who owns an ENGLAND COLOURED SHIRT and wonders why Dwight Yorke never played for our country!! Speaking of York .… (pause and look at Andy)
However, I have taken the job of being best man seriously. I was to ensure :

I've only known Andy for about 5yrs, and often wonder what it would be like if I DIDN'T have him as a friend….… Sometimes the smile lasts for days. ONLY JOKING ANDY!
Andy!
So what can I say about Andy?
Well, he's:
Witty
Intelligent
Charming
Successful
Hand.. Han … Sorry mate, I'm having trouble reading your writing.
I have only known Andy for about 5 years and believe me, my kidneys are saying more like 25yrs. Over this relatively short period. Andy's life can be defined as several years of drinking, throwing up, and sleeping in the bathroom, cuddled up to the toilet bowl … finishing his kebab, then waking up Joanne at some unearthly hour and proceeding to tell her about the whole night.… it's good to know that some things may never change…

Seriously Now .…
I would like to say to you both “may your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever”.
Today is a day when each one of us wishes the happy couple well. Being human they will have their disagreements. Life being what it is, there will be sad moments as well as glad. Yet I know that today we are all wishing them happiness and health in those years to come, and I am sure that the love between Andy and Joanne will be strong enough to last forever.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bride and Groom …