Speech by Jason Ramsay

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jason Ramsay
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Ladies & Gentlemen,

First things first, I'd like to thank Mark on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words. They've done a fantastic job today and I do have to say they both look beautiful. (I do HAVE to say that, because one of them is my wife — the taller one obviously). It's also good to see that even at the age of 3, Jack can still manage to upstage his Dad. I'm sure you'll all agree that Lisa looks absolutely stunning today, and Mark must feel very proud.

I'd also like to thank everyone for coming today, although on a personal note, I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my afternoon a bit easier.
For anybody who doesn't know me, my name is Jason, and as Mark's best man for today, it's been my job to make sure he's something which he normally isn't – basically smart, punctual and sober.

I must confess that when Mark first asked me to be his best man I was terrified about making a speech….that was until I found out about the sort of things that I was supposed to say as the best man. I learnt that, up there with the important duties of remembering the wedding ring and getting the groom home from his stag weekend alive, was a duty to spend five minutes at the reception demolishing his character.
So, not one to shun my duties ….here goes……

Mark, or Friz as he's known to his friends, was born on the 27th September 1968. It's fair to say he wasn't a pretty baby. In fact, his Mum suffered badly from morning sickness – after he was born.
By the time he had reached school age he was beginning to grow into the Mark that we all recognise today.

School was always going to be difficult for someone with Mark's mental age, but he did try his hardest. In fact his Mum kept a few of his old school reports, and one that she showed me whilst I was doing some research for this speech clearly stated that Mark was an ideal pupil, who excelled in most subjects.; – sorry, I mis-read that , it actually says that Mark was an IDLE pupil who was EXPELLED from most subjects.
Sport, though, was one subject that he did make his mark in. In the school cricket team for instance he single handedly re-wrote the record books…… shortest time in bat; most catches dropped; most wides bowled in an over — the list is endless.

His skills also stretched to the football pitch. Mark was always the most active player on the pitch, always in possession of the ball, although as he was the goalkeeper, it was usually because he was picking it out of the net. If you've ever seen him play, I think you'll agree that his nickname of ‘flapper’ was quite appropriate.

The step from schoolboy to dysfunctual yob wasn't a big one for Mark, and it wasn't long before he was terrorising the streets of Immingham in his red Astra GTE. In fact people would often remark as he drove by that he looked just like a Hollywood filmstar, only without the suntan…..… or the muscles ……….or the good looks…….… or the style really.

It was Mark's love of Leeds United and beer though that was to be his biggest downfall, to date at least. Picture the scene if you will, it's pre season, and his team have arranged a friendly with Hull City, in Hull. What better excuse to go to the match, and enjoy a couple of beers with his friends. Everything was going well for the young Mark. He had managed to have his usual 2 pints, and off he set from the pub. It was then that his amazing knack of poor planning kicked in. He suddenly decided that he had to relieve himself there and then. Now most people would have turned around and gone back to the pub, but not our Mark. No, he decided that peeing into a yellow plastic bin in the middle of a busy Hull road at five to three on a Saturday afternoon in a Leeds Utd shirt would be a great idea.

Sadly, the constable from Humberside police didn't think the same way, and only a few days later there he was, in front of the judge in Hull Crown Court offering to pay his fine for lewd behaviour with his credit card.… so his mum wouldn't find out! And this from a policeman's son! All I can say is that it was a good job it wasn't a number 2 ay Mark.
Mark's close brush with a spell in Strangeways must have made him think long and hard about his future, because it wasn't long afterwards that he met and fell head over heels in love with…………….cheap beer,kebabs and cream crackers with cheese.

In fact, he loves his food so much, we did have one or two problems finding him a wedding suit today, but thankfully we managed to borrow one………..from Pavorotti.

The real love of Mark's life, and the reason we're all here today of course is Lisa, though after their first meeting, it's surprising they ever managed to get together at all. Mark's best chat up line to his his future wide was ‘I'm sorry, I stink of garlic’, to which Lisa's obvious reply was ‘That's OK, I'm not wearing any knickers. I still can't work that one out.

I do actually sympathise with Lisa, having to live with Mark. On the stag weekend I had the dubious honour of sharing a room with him. And all I want to say about it is, nice pants Mark.! We all dragged ourselves away kicking and screaming to Newcastle for the weekend, and I think I speak for all of us when I say we had an excellent weekend, oh, and Steve, you still owe us 20 quid for sneaking you into the hotel on Saturday night!
But joking aside, being happily married for many years, I would like to remind Mark and Lisa that marriage is a serious business, and shouldn't be entered into lightly….although at 14 stone, Mark certainly isn't doing that.

I've now got a few cards to read out ……
Mark & Lisa, thanks for all the good times you have given us, from Bella Pizza, .

Mark, good luck, and feel free to pop round anytime, High Street Kebab Shop,

To round off this speech I would like to say that – Mark, you've really pulled a blinder in marrying Lisa. You've found someone who is attractive, funny, smart, loving and caring and a match for you any day of the week. And Lisa, you have found……………….well you've found Mark.

To be serious for a minute, Emma & I couldn't ask for any better friends than Mark & Lisa, and we're both delighted they've managed to make an honest couple of each other at last. I hope they have as many good times in their marriage as we have.

To round off, it gives me great pleasure, not to mention great relief, to ask you to charge your glasses and raise a toast.…
May you both live as long as you like and have all that you like for as long as you live……Mark & Lisa.