Speech by Jay Burton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jay Burton
Speech Date: oct 2003

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Jamie and I'm the best man. For those of you that do know me…..well, you're just lucky I guess.

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank William for his kind words and re-iterate how wonderful they both look and what a fantastic job they have done today. I'd would also like to say that Simone looks stunning; as I'm sure you'll all agree. Which really isn't that much of a surprise bearing in mind so many people comment on how alike we look.

I would like to start by reminding you that the more you laugh at my jokes, the quicker my speech will be over, and the quicker my speech is over, the quicker I get to down this much needed drink ! But to help you all on your way, don't panic…because I happen to have with me a couple of items that will help you along the way.…

Show ‘Laugh’ card
Show ‘Applause’ card

……..However, if any of you feel like doing either of these activities when the cards are not being shown, then that's fine by me.

I really thought that following a speech by William would be quite difficult, and I was right….I couldn't follow a bloody word.

I will just say that I know Simone was a bit worried about my speech today. I know that she was worried there would be lots of sexual innuendos, personally I don't know why she might think that, but don't worry Simone and everyone here today, I've only included one and when it comes up I'll whip it out !!

I do remember when Simone and Will returned home from a weekend camping, not more than about 2 miles from where they are now happily settled, there were quite a few tears shed when we were shown the engagement ring…..but I am glad to say that it only took mum a few months to come round to the idea of Will becoming her son-in-law and she's o.k. about it now.

I personally feel that obviously being best mates with William and the brother of Simone, I am partly responsible for them getting together, and Simone, as much as I love you, I can only apologise so many times.

When Will asked me to be best man, I've got to be honest ladies and gentlemen I did start to panic. What am I going to say? What can I talk about??? Fortunately…as always when I needed it, Will reassured me and said that if I did a good job today, I could be the best man at his next wedding !

Honestly folks, as you know the main points to being a best man is to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober and looking good……Personally I think 2 out of 3 isn't bad….after all I'm not a plastic surgeon !

Only joking mate..…

However, when William did ask me to be his best man, the first thing I did was rush out and buy this handy little book, ( hold up Karma Sutra…then throw away and hold up best man book ). It tells me at this point I should mention a little about my history with the groom, although I can assure you all that nothing of that nature has ever gone on between us…….well not that Will can remember anyway!

Some of the best days I can personally remember sharing with Will often included a quick train ride into Bromley, returning home in the afternoon, laden with shopping bags full of the latest fashions at the time, tartan trousers, waistcoats and t-shirts from Madhouse, then sitting down to watch whatever Carry On film was on television that afternoon….and from those days on we have had a couple of memorable ‘Carry On's’ ourselves…

Hold up a ‘Carry On Calvin Klein’ sign.…

This carry on sees the time Will got caught short and was forced to use a petrol garage's lavatory, unfortunately it was too late before he realised that there was in fact no toilet paper………without going into any details if you would like to hear how the outcome of that little incident ladies and gentlemen, you can buy me a drink later at the bar…but, all I will say for the time being is thank god for Calvin Klein's !

‘Carry On Washing’..…

Another carry on I can unfortunately remember was of the time William and I got rather drunk and stayed at my Mum and Dad's. As far as I remember, I was just dozing off when all of a sudden Will realised he wouldn't be able to make it to the bathroom on time and was promptly ill out of my bedroom window….to this day, I can't actually remember how we got away with washing the clothes that had been left out on the line at 3am in the morning without waking my unsuspecting parents…..either way I understand he didn't learn his lesson that night and subsequently there have been sequels of this Carry On film made…….very recently!

I could spend all afternoon letting you in on some of our finest moments together but unfortunately that's all I'm going to embarrass William with at the moment, because otherwise, when I embarrass myself later on the dance floor he'll make sure I won't hear the last of it.

Now at this point in my speech my little bible tells me that I should be offering a few words of advise to the groom. I'm not actually married myself, but I have been canvassing opinion from the married men here today and I think we're all agreed the perfect marriage, does infact come down to those three very special words…..’ you're right dear’.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've heard just a few snippets about Will and like anyone he can be forgiven for life's little accidents, he can be forgiven for having a good time ( mum can he be forgiven for ruining your washing )??

I would like to take this opportunity to say that I'm sure everybody here would have made up their minds long ago what a lovely bloke you are, a bloke I am exceptionally proud to be able to call my best mate, and whom I love very much.

I am going to finish now by asking you to join me in wishing the new Mr and Mrs Jones, Simone and Will many years of happiness.

The Bride and Groom.