Speech by Jay Cutting

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jay Cutting
Speech Date: Nov2004
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.

I would like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Lee and Lisa's wedding day such a memorable and special occasion for all those involved. Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job a lot easier!.

I'm sure you all agree that Lisa looks absolutely stunning – and Lee, just looks stunned.

For those that don't know me, my name is Jay, Lee's younger, more handsome brother, and yes, it was I who drew the short straw….… I mean, was given the great honour of being the best man here today. Seriously, I was both delighted, and honoured to be chosen, though I must confess to being a little nervous as I stand before you, as public speaking has never been my thing. This is the sixth time today that I've got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo's, I've promised Lee and Lisa that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.

I believe my main responsibilities for today were:
To ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good
Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I'm best man, not a plastic surgeon!

I was also given the task of making sure Lee's ex-girlfriends stayed clear of the wedding. This was actually made easy for me as there weren't that many in the first place and they have been kept at bay thanks to the mad cow and foot & mouth outbreaks.

Having been Lee's brother for 23 years I have huge amounts of entertaining stories about him….However hardly any of them are even vaguely appropriate for his wedding, and as a result I would be in a lot of trouble if I told them here …so I'll be telling them later just over there….(point to the bar).

We have it must be said lead a colourful and eventful social life! on the journey there has been lots of laughter, tears and scrapes and brilliant nights out…too many to mention and too few we can remember. Although there is one night my sister particularly remembers which involves Lee, drink, more drink and sleep walking. Yes, poor Lee was a little full of toxic juice when he came home and drunkenly mistook my sister Donna's chest of drawers for the family bathroom…but I'm going to leave the rest to your imagination as to what happened next.

Lee really likes his music and has a very large…cd collection, as many people would know the way he loved to blare it out of the car window even whilst driving down the M25. But he also had a bit of a strange taste as a male as his favourite was the backstreet boys; he even knew the words as he used to sing it when cruising like a boy racer up and down roman road.

Changing the subject slightly to something nice, and because there are children present I'm sure many of you'll agree today has been a lovely day in lovely surroundings but some of you may wonder why were not in a church, singing hymns with a nice little choir in the background, well, the real reason is that Lee has been banned from churches all over the country…yes, you see, before Lee discovered girls he was rather fond of his place in the school choir and would often give an improtu display and sing like an angel to anyone who would listen …then he had his 15 minutes of fame and appeared all cherub and angelic like on songs of praise, yes you heard me right, on songs of praise and the rest is history…there are people still in rehab now recovering from hearing him sing!

Lee you're a very lucky man as is Lisa a very lucky woman! You've married Lisa today who is looking beautiful. She really deserves a good husband, and in you she has definitely found one.
But you know its funny how history tends to repeat itself.… 31 years ago Lisa's parents were putting her to bed with a dummy and it's happening all over again tonight.

I would now like to read out some cards: (don't read out, put in cards and read from cards)
Dear Lisa
Good luck on your wedding day, and hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently
Love Brad Pitt.

Dear Lee
I hope you're not going to forget us now your married, from all the boys at the blue oyster sauna and massage parlour.

I believe it is customary to give a few words of wisdom. Not being married myself though, I sought the advice of happily married couples – alas I found none!
But I did come across the following:

To Lisa, and this is rather apt, knowing as we know your penchant for a glass of wine

……Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with.

That said though Lee, I'm told women are also like a fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, which inevitably gives you a headache.

I promise I am nearing the end now, but Lisa has asked me to break tradition and present Lee with a present from herself..… (Give Lee the ball and chain).

I would like to say to Lee it has been an honour and a privilege to be your best man today. It gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to Lee and Lisa as I am sure everyone here today would like to wish them both good health, happiness and a wonderful life together.

To Lee and Lisa.