Speech by Jay Vuvuzela

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jay Vuvuzela
Speech Date: 06/09/2012 09:16:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys & Girls, Children of All Ages! Good day, I hope you all are well.  Before I start, let me first address the Ushers – I have heard on the grapevine there is some sort of mutiny in the ranks; so for those who aren't clever enough to understand some of the jokes in this speech – just ask Kit to explain them to you.  Anyways; for those of you that don't know me, I am Chris's best man; John. And for everybody else that does know me, I am sorry.

Let me initially take this opportunity to apologise for the next thirty or forty minutes of your life, which you will never get back, and if there is anyone else in the room that is feeling slightly nervous – it's probably because you have just become Mrs. Chris Price.

When I realised that I would have to give this speech, I did what most people do when faced with a problem – Google it.  So for any prospective best men, who need any help, I can let you know which websites are the best, or which ones to steer clear of – dependant of course on how this goes!

Firstly I'd like to start by saying what a wonderful job the bridesmaids have done today and I am assured that even though they helped Vicki down the aisle, she arrived at the church of her own free will. Talking of Vicki, I am sure everybody here will agree with me that she looks absolutely stunning – and if I'm allowed to quote Vicki's Grandma Jean – doesn't she ‘look bloody beautiful’. And that dress, [turn to Vicki] who did you get to design it for you? I'm sure any brides to be would be grateful of the information!

I know that if I start naming names, I know that I will forget somebody, so I would just like to thank everybody who needs to be thanked – I'm sure Chris, Rob & Vicki has covered everybody already – but I would just like to thank everybody who has helped organise today no matter how much involvement you have had.

Thanks also to the Ushers…all five of them – I'm sure without their help none of you would have found your seats – so thanks guys – for staying relatively sober throughout the day!

 [In case of Sun or cloud] Luckily the weather has been kind to us today – which is always nice, and after the summer we have had it seems to be the perfect start for the most perfect couple I know. [Or in case of Rain] Unfortunately the weather has not been too kind to us today – but what did we all expect after the summer we have had!! However I have heard that rain at a wedding signifies good luck – and we can also have some pretty cool photos with umbrellas!

When I found out I was going to be Chris’ Best Man, many things rushed through my mind; joy, anticipation, fear, surprise. But mainly I was puzzled. Surely there were better options for best man than me? Sure I've known Chris since school, we have incredibly similar interests, enjoy the same films, have impeccable taste in the fairer sex and if you look in the dictionary under the term Geek – I'm sure you will find a picture of the two of us! In the beginning I thought am I really the right man for the job? Surely, there must be someone better suited – George? Dave? Sam? James? Bub? Kit? After mulling it over for a few months, I realised; when he told me that I was going to be his Best Man, there really wasn't a better option. Let me just elaborate;

I initially thought, why didn't Chris ask Sam? His brother, and I realised – nope can't do that, they look too similar. What If Vicki got down the aisle and married the wrong one?

Dave – was the person who I thought had a very good chance of being in my shoes now – he, as we all heard earlier he has a lovely, lovely voice, and he is one of Chris’ oldest friends; Chris even once ‘took the blame’ for Dave, after Dave ‘Choke Slammed’ Sam into a radiator. Chris ended up being grounded for weeks, but in this selfless act showed what a true friend he can be. But in all honesty Dave was meant to be on the other side of the world today, and obviously that is a hindrance when selecting a best man.

James & Bub – Well they are far too tall, in comparison to Chris. He would look almost hobbit-like in the wedding photos.

Kit – He has already had his turn at doing this at George's Wedding.

Talking of George – well George is just too damn good looking – so what we are left with, is someone who is distinctly average. Not too tall, not too pretty and someone who was always going to be in the country today.

 I think you will all agree that I appear to be perfect for this job!

However, I was always going to be second choice behind Chris’ Childhood hero – the one he used to mimic – by wearing his nan's tights – pulled up to his chest and running round the living room, singing the show's theme tune – I am talking of course about Batman. But he regrettably couldn't make it. Chris told me that he had had a personal conversation with The Dark Knight and his reason for not being able to be Chris’ best man was that – “Crime doesn't take time off, so neither can I”. Now I would just like to let you know Chris, the real reason batman isn't here today – and I'm sorry for breaking this to you on your wedding day, but – he isn't real.

Actually I do have a slight confession to make… If I knew that the new season of Doctor Who started today when Chris asked me to be his Best Man, I probably would have said no! Thank god for Sky Plus…

Now I'm not sure if many people know this, but Chris does have a very worrying condition – one that has affected him for most of his life, it's a little embarrassing, so I wasn't too sure if I should, or was allowed to let you all know today about it.

But…Chris; is an Aston Villa Fan – I've heard it's a terminal illness and there is no known cure. However I'm sure that won't stop Vicki trying to find an antidote for this terrible, terrible disease. I have heard switching to a better team does help mind, so why don't you try Swansea City?

Obviously now, everyone here is expecting me to regale them with stories of Chris's past, where he may have had a drop too much to drink, done something he shouldn't have, or even possibly have had a stern telling off from the police for public urination. But alas, I don't wish to tarnish my own good name as well.

However…back in the day (well, in school) Chris was quite the local Celebrity – I can remember the time when he won the School Pop-Idol Competition, with a rendition of Blue's – One Love – It was like a second coming of Beatlemania – people stopping him in the corridors, cheers from passer-bys, women fainting at the mere sight of him. Nowadays, much like Sir Paul – Chris shows off his voice at special occasions, and exactly like Sir Paul – he should have stopped at the top – I have never heard such a bad rendition of ‘Uptown Girl’ in my life, until Chris got up on the Karaoke a few weeks back.

After speaking to his mother, it transpired that Chris became even more of a local celebrity – even making the front page of The Chronicle – with the Headline – The Midnight Mystery Streaker Strikes Again! Luckily they didn't get a picture to accompany this!!

Now I know that normally stories about the Stag Do are banned from the Speeches – but I feel it is my duty as best man to inform the partners of the lads involved, what went on. Now you must understand there was nothing any of us could have done to prevent what happened, all I can do is apologise, and hopefully we can all look back on this in the future and laugh. A small holiday romance blossomed whilst we were away. Sorry did I say Romance, I meant Bromance! Between Nash's cousin Adam and Nash's University cohort Joe Lane, their love burnt brightly, but I was assured from both of the guys that all connections were broken when we left Newquay, and they promised me that contact would never be made again.  However seeing as though they are both here today – if everyone could keep an eye on them I would be most grateful!

I asked Vicki a few weeks ago – ‘What she first saw in Chris, and what her memories were of the ‘early days’ – she came back with a rather long text message which I would like to share with you all –

My first memory of Chris was of that he was one of the idiots who sat at the back of my geography class, terrorising the teacher, shouting out ridiculous words like ‘ginty’ and wearing a god awful Umbro puffa jacket! He was an idiot!

Chris and I started to share the same friends in the final year of GCSE's and the first year of sixth form – which resulted in house parties, nights out in the back of the George, and too many Smirnoff ices!

Around his one timetabled lesson a day – Chris used to spend all his time in the gym – ‘scoping the guns’ of which he had two! He used to wear a very tight ‘FCUK like bunnies’ T-Shirt, drink Guinness, and listen to Eminem and the NWA. By this, you can gather he was very cool.

What attracted me to Chris was not his collection of long American basketball jerseys, or CD collection – which included a Vengaboyz Album, Justin Timberlake album [Actually I also had that album – it was pretty good!! Anyways – it was not Chris's CD collection – which included a Justin Timberlake album], and the infamous ‘Dutty Rock’ by Sean Paul – but his amazing confidence, his friendly nature, and his warm personality.… Admittedly the scoped guns helped a bit!

I also asked Chris the same question – his response was even longer, a modern day love story – that would rival any Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks Movie; even I shed a tear whilst reading it. After recovering from the shock that Chris could write something that lovely, I told him those words need to come from him, not me – so we have all received a cut down sample in his speech. And if anyone wants the full story, from the ‘next big Rom-Com writer’, talk to me later and I can email it over to you!

A small bit of advice from me now before we finish – Chris. Don't be afraid to admit you're wrong (we know it's not your fault and that you are probably right, but it doesn't work that way). Vicki – After the advice I have just given Chris – Don't be afraid to say that you are always right! Even if you are wrong! Oh And Vicki; if you could teach Chris how to use his phone properly, to reply to text messages and phone calls I think we all here would appreciate that!

2012 has been a great year to be British – The Queen's Diamond Jubilee, the Olympic and Paralympic Games, and now the greatest party of them all, alright – I know that the supposed end of the World puts a downer on 2012, but for now let's just have a little fun!!

Chris and Vicki – I hope you know I mean this as a compliment but you are both two of the biggest geeks I know, Chris you are a very very very very very not bad friend, Vicki – I have to thank you for introducing me to Metallica all those years ago – which has now led to my awful taste in music!! In all seriousness, you are perfectly suited for each another, if ever there was a ‘perfect couple’ – you two would be it!

Some of the advice I picked up from the Internet was to include a poem, so after attempting to write some myself – I thought let's leave it to the professionals, so here is a little piece I picked up…

“The greatest adventure is what lies ahead. Today and tomorrow are yet to be said. The chances, the changes are all yours to make. The mould of your life is in your hands to break.

The greatest adventure is there if you're bold. Let go of the moment that life makes you hold. To measure the meaning can make you delay; It's time you stop thinkin’ and wasting the day.

The man who's a dreamer and never takes leave Who thinks of a world that is just make-believe Will never know passion, will never know pain. Who sits by the window will one day see rain.

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead. Today and tomorrow are yet to be said. The chances, the changes are all yours to make. The mould of your life is in your hands to break.

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.”

It now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses, in a toast – May your love for each other be modern enough to service the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever.

To Chris & Vicki.