Speech by Jeff Griffin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jeff Griffin
Speech Date: Aug 1999
WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT NEIL ?

HE'S :
· HANDSOME
· WITTY
· CHARISMATIC
· INTELLIGENT
· THOUGHTFUL

SORRY ……..WRONG WEDDING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I AM ONLY GOING TO SPEAK FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES BECAUSE OF MY THROAT !! IF I GO ON TOO LONG – CHARLOTTE HAS THREATENED TO CUT IT !

IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT BEING ASKED TO BE BEST MAN IS LIKE BEING ASKED TO MAKE LOVE TO THE QUEEN MOTHER – IT IS A TERIFFIC HONOUR BUT NOBODY WANTS TO DO IT!

ANYWAY WHEN NEIL ASKED ME TO SAY A FEW LINES AT HIS WEDDING – A FEW THOUGHTS CROSSED MY MIND :

FIRSTLY – SATURDAY IS USUALLY MY HAIR WASHING NIGHT

SECONDLY – AM I REALLY QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB ?

AFTER MUCH DELIBERATION AND WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO NEIL'S PARENTS…..I WAS LIKE A MOTHER TO THAT BOY AT COLLEGE!!!!!

: I WATCHED HIM DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE

: I'VE SEEN HIM STAGGER AROUND NAKED

: I'VE SEEN HIM CRAWL

: I'VE DRESSED HIM………….UNDRESSED HIM

: CLEARED UP AFTER HIM

: AND THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'VE HAD TO HELP HIM WALK!!!!!!

: IN FACT I'D LIKE TO THINK I TOUGHT HIM A THING OR TWO BEFORE HE LEFT ME…..ESPECIALLY ABOUT HIS TASTE IN WOMEN!!!!!

IMAGINE THE SHOCK I GOT WHEN OUT OF THE BLUE HE CALLED ME TO SAY THAT HE HAD GOT ENGAGED………THE THINGS THAT GO THROUGH A MOTHER'S MIND!!!!!

MOSTLY ABOUT MAIL ORDER BRIDES,
ONE-WAY TICKETS FROM THAILAND
GRETNA GREEN!
…….AND GAY CONNECTIONS – MONTHLY!!!!!!

THEN WHEN I HEARD THAT IT WAS CHARLOTTE, I WAS FILLED WITH MUCH RELIEF AND HAPPINESS.

ALTHOUGH I THOUGHT THAT HE WAS BEING A LITTLE HASTY – THEY HAD AFTER ALL ONLY BEEN GOING OUT FOR FOUR OR FIVE YEARS – AND IT'S NOT AS IF THEY HAD KNOWN ONE ANOTHER AT SCHOOL ! BUT HE'S ALWAYS BEEN ONE TO RUSH INTO THINGS.

FORTUNATELY I NEVER KNEW NEIL WHEN HE WAS LITTLE……ALTHOUGH I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE WHO HAS!!!

AT SCHOOL NEIL TELLS ME THAT HE WAS EXCEPTIONALLY GIFTED – EXCELLED IN EVERYTHING HE DID – BE IT IN SPORTS, ACADEMICS OR THE ARTS…..THIS SEEMS SLIGHTLY CONTRADICTED BY HIS BROTHER GAVIN AND FELLOW CLASSMATES…..MANY OF WHOM ARE IN THE ROOM TODAY!!!

THEY TELL ME THAT NEIL WAS AN ANNOYING CHILD WHO EXCELLED AT NOTHING, WAS CONSTANTLY PICKED ON AND REGULARLY BEATEN UP…AND THAT WAS JUST BY THE TEACHERS……..I AM RELIABLY INFORMED THAT NEIL HAD MANY CLOSE SHAVES AT BEMBRIDGE SCHOOL HERE ON THE ISLAND……HE NARROWLY AVOIDED SUSPENSION ON MANY OCCASIONS……………..ONE IN PARTICULAR THAT COUGHT MY ATTENTION WHEN TOLD WAS THE DAY HE DECIDED TO SHAVE OFF ONE OF HIS CLASS MATE'S EYE BROWES AFTER A MINOR DISAGREEMENT………..THIS PARTICULAR VICTIM WHOM I WON'T NAME FOR LEGAL REASONS CONSEQUENTLY SUFFERED FROM AN EYE INFECTION DUE TO NEIL'S LACK OF PRECISION WHEN USING SHAVING FOAM………..IN FACT NEIL HAS NEVER BEEN RENOWNED FOR HIS SHAVING ABILITY…PREFERING INSTEAD TO GO FOR THE GEORGE MICHAEL LOOK…..I PERSUADED HIM TO USE HIS RAZOR THIS MORNING FOR HIS WEDDING DAY……BY TELLING HIM HE'D LOOK LIKE THE MODEL FROM THE GILLETTE ADVERT…..MALE MODEL THAT IS…..AND ALTHOUGH VERY TEMPTED, I DID NOT TAKE MY BARBER SKILLS TO HIS EYEBROWS FOR CHARLOTTE'S SAKE……….I AM SURE SHE APPRECIATES MY RESTRAINT.

THERE IS LITTLE THAT I CAN SAY ABOUT OUR TIME AT UNIVERSITY PARTLY BECAUSE I CANNOT REMEMBER HALF OF IT AND ALSO BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO MANY CHILDREN IN THE ROOM – WE BOTH SHARED THE SAME DANCING SKILLS WHERE RYTHUM AND STYLE WERE OF LITTLE IMPORTANCE- JUST PLENTY OF ALCOHOL……………WE DIDN'T CALL NEIL SNAKE HIPS FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( YOU MAY SEE SOME EXAMPLES OF THIS LATER ON!!!)…

AS IS THE TRADITION BEFORE A WEDDING, THE BRIDE HAD HER HEN NIGHT AND THE GROOM HIS STAG.

JUDGING BY THE FACT THAT THE HEN NIGHT WAS IN A HAWAIN RESTAURANT IN KINGSTON HELD ON A "TARZAN AND JANE" THEME NIGHT….AND THE FACT THAT THERE SEEMS TO BE NOBODY WILLING TO DISCLOSE ANY GOSSIP ON THE EVENING, WE WILL HAVE TO JUST ASSUME THE WORST…………….I'LL LEAVE THAT TO YOUR IMAGINATION.

THE STAG NIGHT WAS MORE DIFFICULT TO ORGANISE…..PARTLY BECAUSE NEIL AND I HAD TO DO IT…BUT MAINLY BECAUSE WE ARE BANNED FROM MOST PUBS IN THE RICHMOND AREA…………..WE THEREFORE DECIDED THAT WE HAD TO GO FURTHER AFIELD…SO A STAG NIGHT WAS CHANGED TO A STAG WEEKEND!!!!……WE TRIED DUBLIN…………………BUT IT WAS NO GOOD……….WE HAD ALREADY BEEN THERE ………..AND THEY HADN'T FORGOTTEN……………WE TRIED AMSTERDAM………….BUT WERE TOLD POLITELY NOT TO BOTHER BY THE DUTCH AUTHORITIES…………THEY HAVE VERY CLOSE LINKS I BELIEVE WITH THE BRITISH POLICE COMPUTERS………SO WE HAD TO SEEK HELP FROM JUDITH CHALMERS AND THOMAS COOK. THEY ADVISED US THAT SPAIN WOULD BE THE BEST OPTION AS THEY AREN'T AS CLUED UP AS MANY OTHER EU COUNTRIES………….HOWEVER ALL THE ISLANDS WERE OUT OF THE QUESTION BEAUSE WE HAD LEFT OUR MARK SOME YEARS BEFORE……..AND WERE TOLD THAT OUR PHOTO-FITS WERE STILL IN PLACE AT IMMIGRATION…ESPECIALLY IN TENERIFE!!!….FINALLY THOUGH WE WERE GIVEN THE GREEN LIGHT FOR MADRID!!!!!!! THIRTEEN LADS OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES DECENDED ON THIS QUIET LITTLE CITY………POLICE WERE DRAFTED IN……..AND I'M TOLD THAT THE HOTEL WE STAYED AT HAS STILL NOT RE-OPENED SINCE OUR DEPATURE. I AM AFRAID THOUGH THAT WE HAVE ALSO DECIDED TO FOLLOW THE HENS’ LEAD WITH THE SILENT APPROACH WHERE DETAIL IS CONCERNED, BUT I AM SURE YOU WILL FIND ONE OF THE MORE INDISCREET MEMBERS OF THE PARTY IF YOU WANT TO DELVE FURTHER………….…

IT IS FAIR TO SAY THAT THERE ARE FOUR LOVES IN NEILS LIFE….CHARLOTTE , STELLA ….ARTOIS , TENNIS AND FOOD……THOUGH NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER!!!

HIS IDEA OF A BALANCED DIET IS A PINT OF STELLA AND A QUARTER POUND BURGER IN EACH HAND…….AND WHEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN THAT GOURMET DISH………………… COQ-AU-VIN…….HE THOUGHT IT MEANT SEX IN A LORRY!!

CHARLOTTE REALISED THAT THEY HAD THAT MAGICAL INGREDIENT IT TAKES TO MAKE A MARRIED COUPLE……WHICH WAS UNDERSTANDING
AND ANYONE WHO HAS TRIED TO UNDERSTAND NEIL AFTER NINE PINTS WILL TELL YOU WHAT AN ACHIEVEMENT THIS IS.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT NEIL IS A LUCKY GROOM…YOU'VE MARRIED CHARLOTTE TODAY AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL, SMART, FUNNY, WARM, LOVING AND CARING…AND SHE DESERVES A GOOD HUSBAND….SO THANK GOD YOU MARRIED HER BEFORE SHE FOUND ONE !!!

SERIOUSLY THOUGH ON A MORE SINCERE NOTE……I WOULD JUST LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SAY AND I'M SURE YOU WILL ALL AGREE – THAT NEIL AND CHARLOTTE MAKE A VERY GOOD COUPLE, THEY ARE GOOD FRIENDS AS WELL AS HUSBAND AND WIFE AND KNOW THAT THEY WILL MAKE WONDERFUL PARENTS…….WE WISH THEM ALL THE BEST FOR THIS NEW CHAPTER IN THEIR LIVES – LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WILL YOU PLEASE BE UPSTANDING AND JOIN ME IN A TOAST TO THE NEW MR AND MRS ……….