Speech by Jeff Halsall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jeff Halsall
Speech Date: Jul 2009
Introduction
I would like to start by saying a big thank you to the bridesmaids who did a great job today, and don't they all look fantastic?
Indeed, only eclipsed by #### herself, who I'm sure you'll agree looks stunning.. and ####.… just looks stunned!
It's been such an emotional day, even the cake's in tears.
Now, I'd like to propose a toast to two happy, fun loving people who have put so much planning and work into organising today……….and without these people, non of this would have been possible. For now, please remain seated but join me in raising a toast..… to the best men – #### and ####… cheers!

At this point I'd like #### to put her left hand on the table in front of her and ##### to place his right hand on top of hers. Thanks, please keep them there for the rest of the speech, you'll see why later..

Being best man
So, when I heard I'd have to write a speech, I decided that the best place to look for tips would be the internet. After a few hours I'd found some really good stuff.. But then remembered the speech and got back to work
I found many great prewritten speeches but non were about a couple called #### and ####, so I set to work in writing this..
………………………………………….…
The first task for the best man is to make sure of three things in preparation for the service itself. That the rings are kept safe, that the groom arrives at the church on time and that he has great hair.. Well, 2 out of three isn't bad!
The second task is to research the service itself. It has three very important parts:
– The Aisle – the carpeted path leading up to the Altar.
– The Alter – the most important part of the church and place where you exchanged vows.
– The Hymn – the celebration in song of the happiest day of your life.
So, as it turns out, ##### must have read the same website because as she walked up the aisle, I'm sure I heard her whispering: I'll alter him, I'll alter him!
The third task is to make sure that any ex-girlfriends don't turn up to spoil the big day.. Well, no worries there, foot and mouth finished them all off about 5 years back!
…………………………………

Growing up, school and work
So, lets talk about the groom himself, our little brother #### not so little anymore hey mate?! – pat stomach

I think that ### and I were 4 and 5 years old respectively when #### came into this world on the #th June ###. I wanted to find some amazing occurrence that happened on the same day but it seems that nothing else did… except the words of a certain co-best man, so innocent at the time, which were: I suppose this means we'll get less for Christmas then?

Well, we didn't need to worry about sharing food as ####’s diet for the first 10years of his life consisted exclusively of only two types of food.
I remember so clearly every meal time, Mum would shout – ###, what do you want to eat? Came back the same reply.… – sausages and bacon.

When he did become more adventurous I remember one day sitting in Deep Pan pizza in Chester, the waiter asked if he'd like his pizza cut into 4 or 8 slices, ###’s reply was . . . . You better make it 4, I'll never manage 8!

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School Reports
Now, I know that #### never liked school but have a few quotes from ####’s old school reports here

Maths:
#### failed geometry this year… he refuses to believe that pie can be squared

Religious Education:
#### has problems in bible class, he still thinks that the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins

Geography
Despite being 12 years old, we believe that #### has a drink problem. He insists that Ellesmere Port is a white wine from Asda.
Talking of ####, Asda and Alcohol, I have a really great story which, due to legal reasons cannot be read out in this speech. However, if you see me at the bar later, I may be persuaded to give more information.

Now, not many people know this about #### but the school had a field trip to the Neverland Ranch.. ### knew it was time to go home when the big hand touched the little hand!

Meeting
So, after school #### went to University in #### where he met #####.

I asked #### herself what she sees in ###, why does love him so much? She told me that #### brightens up her life… ahhh!.
Well, what she actually said was he never turns the lights off but its kind of the same thing.

But really, they have such a strong love that is so pure and so simple #### so pure, #### so simple.

……………………….…

Letters
At this point, I'd like to read out some telegrams from those who unfortunately couldn't make it today:

The first is from ##### football club we are sorry that we couldn't be there on your big day. Though he always gave 100%, we tried #### in many positions without success. ####, we hope you have better luck than we did.

The second one says I'm so sorry I couldn't make it to your wedding. I hope that everything works out for you and you are very happy in the future. I sure will miss the fun we had around the pool, all my love, Michael Barrymore.

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Marriage advice
Now traditionally I have to offer #### some advice, so here it is:

1. ####, you should always help with the housework. Never once in history has a man been shot by his wife, whilst doing the dishes.

2. You should be firm and set strong ground rules… then do everything she says.

3. If her credit card gets stolen, don't report it to the police. They'll spend less than she does.

4. Finally and most importantly, always remember these three little words: You're right ####.

……………………

Now I can reveal why I asked #### to place his hand on ####’s. ####, it is with great pleasure that I've been able to give you your last 5 minutes of the upper hand on ####.

Toast
On behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone for being here and sharing in this special day.
Finally I'd like to ask you to be standing with me and raise your glasses in toast.
May you always be happy and grow very, very old together, like our mum and dad.
The new Mr and Mrs ####