Speech by Jeff McNally

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jeff McNally
Speech Date: Jan 1999
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Vaughan and as you probably know I am acting as Pats Bestman. However what you probably don't know is that Pat was the Bestman at my wedding, – – – and I can tell you that pay back is going to be brutal.

Well it is said that being asked to be bestman is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother, – – – it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it. But even so I agreed to be Pats Bestman, and I am sure you will agree that my first duty, that of getting Pat to the church on time, sober , dressed, and eventually married was a complete success.

Before I carry on with Pat's character assassination, I would like to thank the Brides Maids for performing their role so wonderfully and looking so thoroughly beautiful throughout the day.

As you can tell, I am nervous speaking in front of you all today . I thought I might forget my lines, so I was just going to do the usual stuff ……..like when Pat was a baby he was so ugly that his mother used to tie a bone around his neck so that the dog would play with him, ….… or about all the bananas his father got offered when he took him out, but I am not going to do any of that stuff because it is degrading, and it's just having fun at Pats expense, ..… and to be honest we have all been doing that for years. So I thought it would be appropriate for me to give those people who don't know Pat, a little bit of background about him, but first of all I would like to clear something up, Pat's great great great great great great uncle Mick was not solely responsible for the Irish potato famine. A couple of other people forgot where they planted them as well.

I have known Pat since he was this high. No, I have not just met him in reception, I have known him for twenty years or more. I have known Sheila for about six years………it just feels like twenty. I hope Sheila will get used to Pat's eating habits as they can drive you to distraction. – I remember once we were in "PIZZA HUT", we ordered pizza – the waiter served us and asked Pat if he would like his pizza cutting in four pieces or eight pieces, Pat replied " Cut it in four pieces, I don't think I could eat eight"…………………

I guess I have always been a forward thinker. I knew the cold war had to end, that Nelson Mandella would be freed one day and the Berlin wall would fall, but I never thought that Pat would get married – now I suppose you could say that he's been done…….… I recall years ago him saying that he would never marry, but if he did he would marry a woman with small feet. "why small feet?" I asked. " so she can get closer to the sink" he answered.

Enough cheap shots. It is an honour for me to be Pats Bestman. Pat is a quality act. He is a great friend and lifelong confidant. We were like brothers, at one point my father put him as a deduction on his tax return…… He had to recoup the money he spent feeding him somehow. Many a time I arrived home to be told " Oh, you've just missed Pat…… and he's eaten your tea. However it is a small price to pay for such a friendship.

I remember when I lost my job, Pat was there. When Jeff and I got run over, Pat was there. When I broke my arm, Pat was there. In fact thinking about it you are a bloody jinx Pat.

Which rather contrively reminds me of an incident many years ago :- It was the time when CB's were illegal. Jeff and I were in our normal state —–DRUNK. We decided to go to Jeff's garage and wind people up on his CB. As we started to consume our emergency beer rations and paint the airwaves blue …..Pat arrived – still in uniform. He walked in as if he owned the gaff, cracked open a can of beer and snatched the mike off Jeff. { Any guesses as to Patricks most imaginative call sign ?????– BLUE BOY }. Anyway moments later in walks the local Bobby and said ;-

"Now lads there has been nothing but complaints ——Er, alright Pat, —– about this place, now calm it down OK. He nodded to Pat as he left. I recall Pat trying to crawl inside his beer can.

Pat is dedicated and driven, a consummate professional. Only last week he cracked a drug smuggling ring. He raided a warehouse to find 15,000 tablets of viagra. In his report he noted that the smuggling racket was being run by hardened criminals.

But joking apart for a minute, Pat is a successful man and can put his mind to most things. As well as carving a good career in the Police service he has also performed well in the world of academia achieving a good degree in History and Politics. Pat has also contributed a great deal of his own time to a voluntary organisation called "BOLTON GATEWAY" which tries to give mentally handicapped people some kind of social outlet.

I have always wanted the best for Pat. I know when he met Sheila and told me about her, it soon became obvious that she was the one for him. I recall talking to Sheila when we were first introduced, she told me that the first time she laid eyes on Pat she thought that he was handsome from afar, but earlier she told me that now she thought he was far from handsome…… I know that Pat and Sheila share the same core values and principles and I am sure that their relationship will continue to grow. Pat told me that he thinks of her often when he is away from her – – – especially on duty when he handcuffs somebody – I'm not sure what that means, but I'm sure it is sentimental, and I know that no other woman has ever made such an impression.

Pats priorities go like this: family and friends first, job second and himself last. If you are fortunate enough to call him friend then a more loyal confederate you could not wish for. I am proud to call him my friend.

Pat, this is the happiest day of your life, well at least that's what Sheila told me earlier, and so it should be, for you have just married a most beautiful , humorous and successful lady – – – and Sheila you have married….… this.

Which reminds me: to all the gentlemen at this reception, Sheila is a married lady now, she has taken the vows and I don't think I need remind you that marriage is sacred – -unless you are Bill Clinton of course. I will be sending an usher round with a bucket, – if you have a key to Sheila's house will you please throw it in the bucket as the usher comes past. Thankyou.

[ Jeff brings keys to table – you give them to Sheila and put yours in – then you shout Jeff back and Jeff puts his in]

And now to the cards: Takes about 5 – 6 mins. Should be some funnies

Pat, you are an excellent friend and it has truly been an honour being your Bestman. Sheila is a lovely person, she deserves a good husband, and it looks to me as if she has found one in you.

On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those of you who have travelled long distances. I started planning this speech six months ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Pat and Sheila, Mr and Mrs Lxxxxx no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

To Pat and Sheila.