Speech by Jeff Plocharski

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jeff Plocharski
Speech Date: dec 2003
***Opening***

Friends and relatives, for those of you that don't know me, I'm Jeff, Joe's brother. I have the honor of being the best man for this occasion. I'd like to say a few words in honor of Joe and Carrie.

***Checklist***

Before I get started, Joe gave me a checklist to make sure that everything went OK this evening. I hope I'm not too late. I should probably go through it right now.

1. Ensure that the groom has been to toilet
Well, I made sure he went in there, but the rest was up to him.

2. Bring a bag with the following items for emergencies:

Aspirin, antacid, deodorant, toothpaste, Viagra. Oh, sorry Joe wasn't going to mention that one.

3. Get him to the wedding on time
Well, we're here, we must be doing ok

(Crumple paper)…Let's get down to business.

***Kind Words***

Joe, first of all, relax, I'm not going to dig out any skeletons. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just afraid of reciprocation. Did you know that when Joe was a kid, he would eat his food in alphabetical order? Yes, Joe was a very strange kid, but now he's (look at Joe and pause)… Well, he doesn't eat his food in alphabetical order any more…(Pause) You know, Beer starts with a "B" and that's usually his appetizer. Maybe he does. I was thinking about that, Joe eating his food in alphabetical order. It tells us something about Joe. I think it tells us how ordered he wants his life to be. But can you imagine having everything in perfect order, and doing everything the same way every time. Carrie is quite the opposite; she brings a definite contrast to the relationship in that regard. She doesn't follow that type of order. This brings much needed alteration into their lives. It's the mixture of these two traits that seems to complement them as a couple. I have seen that through all of their differences, such as this one, they are really made for each other.

***Advice for Joe***

Joe, I am not a wise man, but I have put together some pieces of advice for you,

The first thing you need to do is, set the ground rules and establish who the boss is…and then do everything that Carrie says!

Secondly, don't be afraid that Carrie will leave you. She's spent all this time training you; she's not going to throw that away lightly!

Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words, “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”

Which brings me to my last piece of advice, Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it, and whenever you're right, don't say anything at all.

Because, as they say, a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man, who gives in when he is right, is married.

***Advice to Carrie***

Carrie, you have a big job on your hands; for you, my list is a little more extensive. (Pull out fake list on several pieces of paper) Actually, I'd like to extend this advice to all of the women in room.

Ask for what you want, because men are dumb, and Joe's no exception, believe me. Hints won't work. Just say it!

Joe doesn't know what day it is, and he never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.

This one is very important to understand. Urinating while standing up is more difficult. He's bound to miss sometimes

Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

If Joe says something that can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, he meant the other one.

Remember when I said this was advice for all women in the room? I'd especially like to extend this to mothers and mother in-laws. You can either tell Joe to do something or tell him how to do something, but, please, not both.

And lastly, whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

***Closing***

Before we get to the toast, I would like to leave you with one of my favorite quotes, from Albert Einstein. He said, "There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Now if we could all raise our glasses in a toast to Joe and Carrie, may they grow old on one pillow, and may the best of their past be the worst of their future… Congratulations