Speech by Jeff Smith

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jeff Smith
Speech Date: Jan2007
I'm very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the fifth time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn't available. So if you can't hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re-assure you that you're not missing out on anything.

May I start by thanking Nick on behalf of the Bridesmaids’, Laura and Georgia for his kind words. I'd also like to add my own compliments to Kimberly, who I think you'll agree looks absolutely stunning today! And after last night's festivities, we haven't done a bad job on Nick either, thanks to some hard work this morning from Nicky Clarke, Trinny and Susannah.

For those who don't know me, my name is ‘Jeff what-would-you-like-to-drink’. I hope as many of you will come and say hello at the bar later – but I do insist you use my full name.

When Nick asked me to be his best man, I felt honoured, I felt nervous, I felt distinguished, I still felt nervous, I was privileged Nick, Nick I was petrified.

It's the first time I've had the been asked to be a best man, it's the first time I've ever been here to the Kings Croft Hotel, it's the first time that Nick has complimented me in over 25 years, but best of all it's the first time Nick's ever paid for dinner.

So, Nicholas Andrew Hinde, born 5th of October 1975, This is your life. Incidentally you were born the same day as Kate Winslet, and the year in which we were introduced to Bohemian Rhapsody, Jim'll-fix-it and Fawlty Towers. Margaret Thatcher also became leader of the Tory party in 1975.

Were any of these an influence on how Nick turned out? I'll leave that up to you to decide.

Well I first met Nick when we started in the infants at St. Joseph's back when we were 4 or 5 years old. Since then we went right through school together where Nick was always top of the class. We studied together until after our A'levels, when we both went our own separate ways. Nick went off to Jesus College, Oxford to study Engineering. And I went to the DSS, Pontefract, to sign on every fortnight.

Nick worked hard at university and came away with his degree in Engineering, and many stories about student life in Oxford, none of which I can include today for legal reasons.

Now when Nick arrived back from University it wasn't long before we were given the chance to move out of our parents and take up residence in St. Gerard's Presbytery in Featherstone. We were looking after the house for the priest there whilst he was over in Australia for about 8 months. Rent free accommodation, and both single we made the most of our spare time. We spent most evenings just going to see our neighbours next door, more commonly know as the Featherstone Hotel.

Our first night in the Featherstone Hotel was one I think neither Nick nor I will ever forget. We entered a bit gingerly as this was an establishment which was well known in the area, and not for its overly warm welcomes. We shyly ordered a pint each from the bar and proceeded to introduce ourselves to the landlord. He couldn't have been happier to meet us, and with the amount of money we put behind over the months that followed, he must have had pound signs in his eyes. Now that first night went well, too well in-fact. We played pool, table football and met all the locals. Before we knew it the time was 1.15 in the morning the doors were all locked, upon enquiring how we should leave we were ushered through the kitchen and out of a small door at the back of the pub. This was the first of many late nights we spent in the pub during our time in Featherstone.

Now unbeknown to the landlord of our new local we weren't the honest pair from the presbytery everyone thought we were. In fact we used to cheat at every opportunity we got. Using mobile phones during the pub quiz, submitting more than one answer paper, and bad mathematics at the dart board were among some of our tricks. But the pinnacle of our dishonesty was cheating at ‘Play Your Cards Right’…..… just to win a bottle of wine. In 8 months of playing we never failed to win.

This was due to the angle that the cards were lent against the wall it meant we could see the face of every card from the table we always sat at. But it wasn't quite that simple, as which ever one of us was drawn out to play had to go and stand by the bar. So this is where we used our cunning and developed a code to indicate the direction the outcome of the next card. Whoever was still sat at the table would place one hand on their pint if the next card was higher, or put it down on the table if you had to guess lower…………………….Although going lower on a 3 did raise the odd eyebrow from time to time.

So from Living in down town Featherstone, Nick decided the time had come to purchase his own house. He entered the housing market with a quaint dormer bungalow back in Pontefract.

Now Nick being Nick, bought this house with the plan of making a couple of small changes. Small was a bit of an understatement, as with help from dad, Nick has now re-boarded the whole of the downstairs floor, changed the kitchen work surfaces, installed double glazing, rewired the whole house, incorporated cupboards into the bedrooms, carpeted the garage, gutted the bathroom, put in a burglar alarm, moved the boiler, set up a large screen projector with surround sound in the lounge, erected a new shed, built a new wall at the front of the house, landscaped the back garden………………….and now he tells me he's started on a conservatory. There's enough work there to keep Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen and the Home Improvements team busy for 3 series.

So back to today:

I was speaking to Fr Funnell whilst we were waiting for Kimberly to arrive the church this morning, and he was telling me that when Nick and Kimberly started going to his marriage preparation classes, he wasn't always sure if Nick was really ready marriage.

There was one time when Nick was asked, ‘What is Kimberly's favourite flower?’ To which he had no hesitation in replying, ‘Self Raising!’

‘What makes a good wife?’ ‘One who helps here husband with the washing up!’
And, ‘What's the last thing you'll say to you wife before going to sleep?’ ‘It doesn't matter what I say, you'll buy it anyway’

I've also spoken to some of Nick's work colleagues who tell me that his nickname at work is ‘The God’, its true, apparently he makes his own rules and if he does any work it's usually a miracle.

And when I asked Kimberly last week to describe Nick in one word, it took no time at all for her to come back with an answer……..’Perfectionist’, everything has to be right, but not just right it has to be absolutely spot on…Else he starts again. So much so, that when Nick recently painted the living room skirting boards, it took no less than 7 coats of paint until he was happy.

And who else do you know that takes a ruler into the bathroom every morning. [Pull out ruler] Yes it's true I've seen it when I used to live with him. But why would you need a rule in the bathroom? Well in Nick's case it is to make sure his sidies are exactly the same length and cut perfectly straight………………..So ladies, if you see ever your man taking a ruler into the bathroom in future, it isn't because he's a little paranoid, he's just been taking tips from the Nicholas Hinde school of hair dressing.

Now I do have one final story that I couldn't finish without telling. Nick may not seem the sporty type, but he is an enthusiastic squash player, and a good one at that. And back, when we used to live together we played regularly at Knottingly sports centre. Now for those of you who haven't played squash, you use a small hard ball like this one [Hold squash ball up.] Now a squash ball needs to be warmed up before you can start playing, and the usual way to do this is to hit it against the wall for 5 minutes once you get onto the court. Nick however, not wanting to waste any time or money used to massage the ball in his hand and put it in his pocket to keep it warm. Now before I go on I must apologise to any women who used to attend the step aerobics classes at Knottingly from 6 until 7 on a Thursday night. Because as we were arriving at about five past 7, the step aerobics class were just leaving, and this meant abut 30 women going out of the main door as Nick walking in past them all, still massaging the squash ball in his pocket. What they must have thought of him I don't know, but it wasn't pretty!

Now traditionally I have to offer Nick some advice. So, never be complacent, always keep an eye out for those little tell tail signs in your relationship……….like if you see that the milkman's wearing your socks …Or the postman starts calling round on a Sunday.

Kimberly you must remember, men are like fine wines, they start out as grapes and it is your job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you would like to have after dinner.

Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn't make it today:

Dear Nick,
Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you've made the right choice.
Love Michael Barrymore.

Dear Kimberly
It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married.
From Brad Pitt

[Read some real cards out] and [Poem]

So to wrap up, I'd just like to say, Nick, thank you for giving me the opportunity to enlighten all you family and friends here today.

And Kimberly just remember……..… If your wine rack's ever running a bit low, all you need to do is take Nick to the Featherstone hotel on a Wednesday night for ‘Play Your Cards Right’.

All that leaves me to do now is to ask you all to be upstanding and join me in wishing Nick and Kimberly all the best as they enter married life together. So please raise your glasses to: ‘THE BRIDE AND GROOM’.