Speech by Jeffrey R

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jeffrey R
Speech Date: Dec 2004
Hello everyone

J____ has bestowed upon me the honor of being best man on this festive day, and therefore its my duty to say a few words.

Now I know that Rachel and Jessie have handed something out to everyone, so please be patient, I will get to that later, it's a little surprise for the bride and the groom.

First of all I want to say how absolutely stunning the bride looks today, she is truly the star of the show . . . P____ here's to you

I want to say thank you to everyone for coming to today's celebration, your presence makes this a really special day for J____ and P____. Also I want to thank the association for making the clubhouse available and also the many members who made their camps available for guests. Thanks to the flower girls, Jessie and Rachel. And finally, I would like to thank Dad for providing the wine and Julie who has done so much in the last few days.

In England there is a saying that being a best man is like being asked to have sex with the queen mother, it's a great honor but nobody really wants to do it.

In any case, the LAST time I was J____ ‘s best man, Wait that reminds me of something I almost forgot, J____ here is the frequent best man's card that you gave me last time, could you punch it right there?

[pull out frequent best man card, Groom has already been provided a hole puncher, he is in on the joke]

Thanks, right, good, that's two times, [show the card to everyone] one more time and I get a free cup of coffee

Anyway, the last time I was J____ ‘s best man, I gave a sappy toast and so I thought to myself, maybe I should try a different strategy this time . . . So I did a little research into some things because you know it isn't easy coming up with something interesting to say for one of these speeches.

So first of all, I did a little research and learned that J____ shares a birth year, 1962, with none other than . . . Tom Cruise. Most of you will remember that culturally iconic teenage movie, Risky Business, where young Tom does a little routine involving his jockey shorts and a pair of RayBan Wayfarer sunglasses, so J____ , as a little gift to you, here are your jockey shorts and Raybans for your discretionery use later this evening. Now P____, it turns out that you share a birth year, 1961, with none other than . . . Lady Diana, the Princess of Whales. Diana is another icon of our youth, so I thought that I should present you with what Charles gave Diana on their wedding night ? a nice little tiara and a sexy little thong. So Tom, Lady Diana, I hope that you two will use these items to enhance the ensuing consummation activities . . .

Next I thought maybe I would tell you a little but about J____ ‘s life, focusing in on the period that he met P____.

As you all know, J____ is an extremely intelligent, artistic, sensitive and kind person. He always has been. However, its just such extremely intelligent, artistic, sensitive and kind people that as teenagers tend to get into some trouble. And as many of you no doubt know too well, J____ was a bit of a ne'er do well as a teenager. In 1975, we came back to live in Westchester after living in England for a few years and my parents decided to put J____ into Bronxville high school and to advance him a grade because of the relatively higher academic level of the English school system,

Unfortunately all of this meant that J____ was a little challenged socially, having not grown up with all these kids, having a bit of a British accent and worst of all, because of being put forward a grade, being not quite on the cusp of puberty at the age of 12 while all of his classmates were one year older and more developed, especially the girls at that age. So J____ did the natural thing that all school kids did in the 1970s when they felt marginalized socially, he rebelled and got into some things that most adults would prefer that their kids stay away from. Unfortunately this choice of extracurricular activities did little to advance his academic standings and also perplexed our parents to some extent.

They decided to pull him from Bronxville High and send him to Fordham prep which is located in the Bronx. Now let me just say one thing, I seem to recall that as a teenager in the Bronxville area when you wanted to go purchase certain substances the place that you went to purchase those certain substances was . . . the Bronx, where our parents sent J____ to school. So lets just say that our parents choice of location was somewhat ill-advised and kind of akin to removing someone from the frying pan and throwing them into the fire. Needless to say, within one year Fordham Prep strongly encouraged J____ to seek an alternative venue to obtain his high school education . . . And rather than send J____ to tradeschool, our mother found the Gunnery, a boarding school in Connecticut that has a reputation for tending to the needs of extremely intelligent, artistic, sensitive and kind teenagers. And needless to say J____ flourished there.

It was also there that J____ met P____. P____ was the gorgeous, shapely, blond captain of the crew team and apparently J____ lusted after her from afar. They had some mutual friends but didn't really hang much together. Now I have been told that J____ ‘s lust was so great that he actually even tried out for the position of equipment manager for the crew team, in order to be closer to P____. I say tried out, because he actually failed to obtain the position, because at the "interview" he bent over to pick something up in the crew house and a pack of Marlboros fell out of his pocket.

So J____ ‘s union with P____ at the Gunnery was just not to be.

So now we must roll forward more than 20 years to the Gunnery 20th reunion, where J____ and P____ met again, and apparently made quite an impression on eachother because eventually they got together and started dating and eventually they became a serious item and now we are here today to celebrate their union.

So I would like to suggest a toast to the happy couple, to J____ and P____, may your marriage be modern enough to deal with these crazy times we live in and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Now finally, no celebration would be complete without a song. I did a little more research and discovered that J____ shares his birthday, October 7th, with none other than J____ Cougar Mellencamp, that outstanding icon of top 40s music in the early 80s. The middle aged ones among you may recall a song by J____ Cougar that topped the charts for several weeks in 1982, a little ditty about? Jack and Diane, that's right, well I have composed a little ditty about J____ and P____.

For those of you who know me, I am sure that you have never ever heard me sing in public. . . there is a reason why . . . that is why I took the liberty of printing out the chorus and distributing among you so that you will help me through this. So now before I make a complete and utter fool of myself out of love for my brother and P____, I want to ask all of you to practice the chorus once or twice with me, and then while I am singing, wait for the cues. Now this is only going to work if everyone really BELTS this out, so I am counting on you all.

Now I will do it once just so everyone has the tune down.

Here goes. [sing chorus] Okay now its your turn. Is everyone ready? Are you sure? Remember to BELT IT OUT. Okay here goes, 1-2-3. [everyone sings chorus together]

That was fantastic, so now I will sing and all of you watch out for the cues.

"J____ & P_____"
Sung to the tune of Jack & Diane by John Cougar Mellancamp

Little ditty about J___ and P___
Two American kids goin’ to the Gunnery
J___ gonna be a wall street big swinging dick
P___ gonna be an archeologist

Suckin’ on chili dogs outside the Gunnery
P___’s sittin’ on J___’s lap
He's got his bong between her knees
J___ say, "Hey P___ let's run off
Behind a shady tree
Fire up that baby
And maybe have some nookie"
And J ___say

Oh yeah life goes on
Long after you done passed forty-one
Oh yeah say life goes on
Long after you done passed forty-one, they walk on

J___ hits forty and reflects for a moment
Scratches his head and does his best James Dean.
Well you know P___, we oughta run off to the burbs
P___ says "Baby, anything you please"
P___ say-a

Oh yeah life goes on
Long after you done passed forty-one
Oh yeah say life goes on
Long after you done passed forty-one, they walk on

Let it rock
Let it roll
Let middle age come and
Save my soul
Hold on to forty as long as you can
Changes come around real soon
Make us old- women and men

Oh yeah life goes on
Long after you done passed forty-one
Oh yeah say life goes on
Long after you done passed forty-one, they walk on

Little ditty about J___ and P___
Two American kids done the best that they can erican kids done the best that they can

– Here's to the bride and groom [raise glass]