Speech by Jeremy Bush

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jeremy Bush
Speech Date: Mar 2002
First of all, on behalf of the bridesmaids, Zirena & Coral, I'd like to thank Scott for his kind words and I think everyone would agree that they've done a splendid job and they both look absolutely gorgeous – it's a pity for us blokes that they're not 5 years older.… Or for you Scott, 25 years older…!

Oh, sorry Maria – I've already started to drift from the script you gave me!

But seriously though folks, I wish I had a script but when Scott & Maria said they were getting married a few weeks after meeting each other, I naturally assumed they were joking!

So that's just about it from me…

…In your dreams Scott!

I wouldn't miss this opportunity for the world.

In fact I will now do my best to give Scott the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of the day – which to be fair is exactly what he gives Maria when they go to bed each night!!

For those who don't know me, I'm Jeremy and I'm going to say a few words about Scott and how we all came to be here today.

I'm not going to talk for long because of my throat……… if I say too much Maria has threatened to slit it!!

I will admit to having been really nervous about making a speech today, so I prepared a few lines (sniff) and now I feel much more confident!

[Take script from pocket]

On that note, I would like to say that, having read examples of best man speeches over the last few weeks, the following is as much my own work as Scott's English Lit degree was his, I'll let you decide.…

There is only one who can claim to have been with Scott always. Throughout the early years going on every cub camp, all school trips, by his side on all the band tours, even supporting him through University and is still with him to this day. This privileged relationship, Ladies and Gentlemen, has been between Scott and ‘Blue Ted’. Yes Scott's loyal friend, a toy given to him by his sister Claire.

I argued that Blue Ted should be best man but apparently he gets too nervous speaking in public…crap excuse I think

Incidentally this is perhaps the earliest sign that Scott was destined to be creative – the naming of a blue teddy bear as ‘Blue Ted’. Inspired I think you'll agree!

Scott & I go back a little over 7 years to when we met in a bar in Cambridge. In a work way that is not in a gay type way – that's the story about the music teacher that will be saved for another time.

We were both cocktail bartenders in one of Cambridge's finest bars so I'm sure you can imagine all the stories we have from those hedonistic days – you'll have to imagine them because I was too inebriated to actually remember any of them!

I think it's a real testament to our relationship that during those 7 years there have been long periods when we've been in different parts of the country through our work, but whenever we see each other again it's straight into the same old banter. Sometimes it feels like I just can't shake him off!

We have a very civilised relationship, Scott and I. We have never fought over anything – unlike he and his brother Neil. I am told that Scott's tactics during fights was to chew the tyres off Neil's Dinky cars and I can tell you from personal experience that ever since then Scott has not needed an excuse to destroy cars! A journey is not considered complete unless another piece of bodywork is dented, it's like Scott's way of keeping a tally of how many trips he's done – perhaps to remind himself when to put more oil in?

Of course there's no point in topping up the oil so conscientiously if you're not going to replace the cap is there Scott? This could cause the engine to seize and write off your Micra on the hard shoulder of the motorway. You should have stuck to chewing the tyres off Scott, they're easier to replace!

I'm told that Scott was a competitive youngster, especially at sport. This competitiveness manifested itself in Scott's aggressive swearing at anyone who tackled him on the football field. Now you get away with it when it's another schoolboy but when Scott threw abuse he inadvertently did it at the coach and then you know you're in trouble. When the coach happens to be your Mum's partner that trouble is going to follow you home!

But the aggressiveness didn't start here. That goes back much further. I gather we're lucky to have Neil here with us today since his helpful older brother, then 3, threw him out of his pram when only weeks old.

But perhaps a truer reflection of what this young boy would become came one Saturday afternoon while innocently watching television. It was the late 1970’s when shows like Morecambe & Wise would include line-ups of leggy dancing girls and the young Scott, no older than 4, said to his Mum,
‘When I see those Ladies it makes my winkle go funny…’

According to the Mothers of Kings Lynn it didn't take long before he knew what that was all about!

So now to last spring – they meet

Now, historically, a bridegroom's best man was responsible for assisting his friend when he, quite literally, captured his bride. Well, I can proudly say, it was no different when Scott captured his.

I'd just started a new job here in Stockwell and found myself in an office full of potential brides begging to be captured (one was trying harder than most). Now I'm not saying that Scott was necessarily looking for a bride at this point but I knew he was looking for something to make his winkle go funny…

Now when you've got a mate who's been going on blind dates from out of the personal ads in the Guardian [hold out left hand] and a charming and attractive woman trying to drag you into the stationery cupboard at work [hold out right hand], what would any man do?

Bring them together [bring hands together] over a pint in the circle bar up the road.

And how quickly things progressed. It wasn't long before Maria was clearly making Scott's heart go funny as well as his winkle and our pub talk moved from work, life and beer to amusing tales about Scott's new family.

A couple of months later someone proposed to the other because the other had suggested they do. They agreed to wed but no one will admit to instigating it!

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Now I'd like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to a man who embodies many positive attributes: Intelligence, ambition, tact, generosity, and integrity. However, today is not about me so instead a final word about Scott.…

Scott is a big drinker but a happy drinker, always laughing and shaking hands – and that's when he's on his own!

And a last thought for both of you, strangely enough also on a boozy theme…

Maria, men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.

On the other hand Scott, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

READING OF CARDS

Best wishes to Bride & Groom from:

Scott's Uncle David & Auntie Sylvia

Scott's Grandad – never lose your golf swing or my clubs!

My Mum & Dad – never lose your Tuba playing embouchure or the trumpet we gave you!

‘We will miss the threesomes’ – from Elton & George

‘Stinky, can you still do the scorpion impression?’ – A bunch of ex Henry's staff

TOASTS

On a sincere note I would like to thank Scott for asking me to be his best man, and Maria for letting Scott ask me. It has been an honour…

I would like you all now to join me in a few toasts.

Firstly to Maria's Mum Thelma, and the memory of her Dad, Les. I'm assured that Scott is the first boyfriend that Les would have approved of and that Les was there, proudly by Maria's side this morning.

Secondly to the bridesmaids – good work.

And now [if any sitting ask to stand] to the happy couple, may you share many love filled years together.
The new Mr & Mrs G******, Scott and Maria.