Speech by Jeremy Westhead

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jeremy Westhead
Speech Date: Oct2006
Ladies and Gentlemen [pause] Naval Officers.

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids Jennifer, and Nyx and the page boy Dominic I'd like to thank [groom] for his extremely kind words. I think we can all agree that they all look great and have done a wonderful job today.

Secondly I'd like to say how lovely [bride] looks today in such a fabulous dress – I must say, it was absolutely stunning to see the dress coming down the aisle – what a train! [groom], you don't scrub up too badly either…it's surprising what a flannel and a bar of soap can do.

Like me, you may be wandering what possessed you to be on a cold and windswept rock in the middle of the Irish Sea in the sometime in October particularly as we stood outside the Chapel earlier. I have no doubt that for many of you it followed the invitation for [groom] and [bride]’s wedding and your wish to be here with them to help them celebrate their very special day. For me there is a baser motive…revenge! I knew my time would come…and so, like you, I was delighted when [groom] and [bride] announced their engagement, but perhaps for slightly different reasons!

Before I get properly started on introducing [groom] to the [bride]’ family there are a few messages I need to read from people who couldn't be with us today

Whilst I've been to a few weddings over the past few years I still wasn't quite sure what to say, so a friend who'd been best man before suggested I have a look at the internet. Well, over the course of the next couple of hours I came across some great stuff, but then I remembered that I was meant to be looking up ideas for the speech…

I do promise however not to go on too long, mainly because I'm looking forward to finally seeing [groom] on a dance floor after 11 years of trying to get him to do more than the “matelot shuffle”. Will somebody please make sure that there are several video recorders to capture this historic moment. I don't want the only copy mysteriously disappearing later on tonight.

[groom], as his old friends will know and as his new friends will come to appreciate, is a shy, retiring, cultured type – never happier than when admiring architecture or walking round a museum studying old masters. So, to cater for this I organised a stag weekend in one of the great cultural capitals of Europe – Prague. Obviously, I can't reveal the details of our weekend away but I can assure you [groom] loved the sights.

So, what else can I tell you about [groom]. Well I've already mentioned that he is terribly cultured. And, to demonstrate this I've got a little anecdote. Whilst we were all still at university, one day some friends were discussing Romantic 19th Century poets as only students with too much time on their hands can, and [groom] was listening in. Not listening intently enough, it seems, as he kept asking who this Brian and Shirley they kept on going on about were. You and I might know them more traditionally as Byron and Shelly.

[groom] is also a good man to invite to a party. He'll turn up early and help set up – completing such important tasks as “checking the beer is cold” – several times – and he'll leave last having helped tidy up – again, helping with such tasks as “checking that good beer isn't going to waste”. On top of that, no man ever turns up with more cheesy music on his MP3 player or more champagne – making him a very treasured guest.

However his drinking tastes have evolved over the years. Whilst at university and when he was still making his mind up about certain key life choices he was a fan of a cocktail bar called Freud's and more specifically of their bright red “Woo-Woos”. [groom] – I'm glad you moved on from that period of exploration and I am sure [bride] is very glad too. Although I note that Wham, Kylie Minogue and Cher are still on your party play list.

[groom] has moved through life from one institution to another – from school, to university, to the Navy obviously we hope that'll be the last institution he sees the inside of… but it does mean that his domestic skills are perhaps not quite up to scratch. Several friends mentioned his skills as the only man in NATO who could mess up a pre-prepared packet stir fry he cooked the small plastic packet of sauce as well as vegetables, and manage to spill red wine not merely on the floor but halfway up the walls. This was shortly before he stepped in the frying pan full of chilli.

[bride] – I hope you are prepared.

[groom] is also a great sportsman. But not for him the old favourites of rugby, football or cricket. Oh no. [groom] only partakes in sports [heckle – “SUMO”] where drinking might be considered an integral part of the activity such as sailing, skiing…and bridge. [groom] partakes in all of these sports with gusto and attacks the Gluhwein, G&ampTs and wine with similar enthusiasm. I'd tell you more about it, but they might not let him back into several European countries.

Now, you might have thought that being in the Navy involved engaging her majesty's enemies more closely, but [groom] is a master of the extra – curricular activities offered by the Navy. As well as the skiing and the sailing and quite why a submariner needs to know how to ski is lost on me he has also been known to go on other trips.

One such trip was to get better acquainted with the [location], to which his boat is affiliated. And it was on this trip that he met [bride]. It would appear that she mistook the man propping up the bar, in his usual fashion, for a dashing young naval officer and the rest, as they say, is history.

So, [groom], you've really pulled a blinder in marrying [bride]. You've found someone loving, funny, smart and caring and a match for you any day of the week. And [bride], you've found…………….well you've found [groom].

Which only leaves me with the toast “To my best friend and his lovely new wife…may your love be modern enough to survive the times but old fashioned enough to last for ever”

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the new Mr and Mrs [groom]… [bride] and [groom]