Speech by Jeremy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jeremy
Speech Date: oct 2004
To be a good best man takes careful planning and that is why I consulted the essential book “The Best Mans Checklist”. What an amazing insight into my expected duties, apparently I'm supposed to:
To bring a chequebook or credit card to cover any payments that the
groom may have forgotten.
To help the groom dress……..If at 23 yrs old Scott can't master that
then what chance do I have.
To ensure the groom:
Paid homage to the potty Gods….… I'm sending him in there, but I'm not
making sure.
His shoes are tied…….I did contemplate getting him slip on shoes to cover
this eventuality but he insisted he could manage.
His face & hair are in order………a very tall order indeed and one which as
you can see I obviously failed upon.
He has nothing between his teeth…….nor for those of you that know him,
anything between his ears either.
That his trouser fly is done up……..best leave that for Kicsa to ensure.
In case of emergencies bring a toiletries bag with me containing:
Aspirin, Indigestion Tablets, Deodorant, Toothpaste, A big black marker
pen (any ideas why I should need that then please let me know), and my
personal favorite: Valium. Well it's certainly my personal favorite after
this morning.
Make a speech to the Bride & Groom
Now I presumed this meant a speech to JUST the bride and groom,
highlighting their commitments and duties to each other. Little did I know
that you lot were going to be here listening…..still duty bound I press on.

Personally I think my duties today as best man have been successful, after all I got Scott here on time (unusual), sober (a feat in itself) and I'm sure you'd agree not looking too bad.

As a bachelor myself I must admit that I have no idea what it feels like to be happily married…..but then again…..… from what I've heard……neither do most husbands … No but seriously, talking to some of my other married friends, one of the biggest differences they find between married and single life is that being single simply means that you don't have to leave a party early just as you're starting to have a good time…

During my research for this role, I also found the 3 key elements of a wedding day and they are as follows; The Aisle – the longest walk you'll ever take The Altar – the place where 2 become 1 The Hymn – the celebration of marriage

I think Kicsa has also read this book, because when she took her place at the altar beside Scott today, I could swear I heard her muttering "Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn"

STORY OPTIONS

I imagine you are all expecting me to come out with amusing stories of things that have happened to Scott over the years. Well when I thought about what stories I could tell you, several immediately sprung to mind. But then I realized there would be women, children and animal lovers present, so that cut the options down considerable. So here I go. Scott was born on Oct. 24, 1980, went to school in Piscataway, New Jersey, moved out here to California, became an employee for Disneyland, met Kicsa, and got married.

If Scott didn't already have a job, I'm sure he would have donned a black suit, black tie, & sunglasses and tried to become, no not a city trader, but one of the Men IN Black; sporting the most massive intergalactic anti-alien mega-blaster; defending us from all those alien life forms that would rather like to party-on on planet Earth. Scott, I have spoken to my friend agent Zed at the MIB bureau, and, surprise, surprise, he has issued you with your very own pair of anti-neurolization sunglasses.

Here you go. Now, you won't forget a single thing that happens while you and Kicsa are on your honeymoon.

WORDS OF ADVICE
Scott, remember, the key to a happy marriage is to remember those 3 little words "I LOVE YOU!"

Kicsa, if you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with, If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

At this point I would like to ask Scott & Kicsa to participate in this speech. Kicsa if I can ask you to place your right hand flat on the table. Now Scott, place your left hand directly on top of Kicsa's. Scott, take a deep breath, and enjoy the moment. This is the last time that you will ever have the upper hand. But seriously Scott and Kicsa are the best friends anyone could ask for – I'll stop before I get too emotional – look even the cake's in tiers!

THE DISPATCH

So ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to the newly weds, Mr. and Mrs. Vyka!

Congratulations!