Speech by Jez Graham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jez Graham
Speech Date: Aug2005
I've waited 35 years for the opportunity to stand up in front of an audience and give a speech and now that I am standing here shaking I am hoping that you will not mind waiting another 35 years for me to actually deliver this monologue.

Sit down wait Stand up and look around.

OK. Well here goes.… Look around and spot someone with eye contact
Ah! Lord, Ladies and Gentlemen I have been blessed by good fortune, not for the privilege of being Graham's Best Man, although a privilege it certainly is, but because of what happened on this day 12 years ago. Today is the anniversary of Monica Seles, the world's number one tennis player, being stabbed at the German Open. Yes, ladies and Gentleman, Graham and Kate, or should that be Mr & Mrs Semadeni have selected as their wedding day the anniversary of a theme very close to both their hearts. No, it is not that they enjoy a stabbing, it is the Tennis. For it was Tennis that actually bought Graham & Kate together. But more of that later… I better do the traditional thing here and actually introduce myself.

My name is Jeremy Jez or Jezza and the reason I am standing here today is because of Graham's sense of retribution. Two months prior to Graham asking me to be his Best Man I stupidly asked him to be mine. This is his revenge, so typical of Graham's character. Always willing to repay a favour.

And now, according to etiquette I need to thank Graham on behalf of the Bridesmaids for his kind words. You may be thinking
“What kind words” and I am thinking,
“What bl**dy bridesmaids?”

Pause

In sincerity though I would like to thank Graham on behalf of Jo and Harriet for the caring words he said earlier. I would like to add that both Jo and Harriet have been brilliant not only throughout today but according to their mum, throughout the build up to this wonderful occasion.

The Best Man

It is my humble opinion that the title best man seems a bit over the top. If I am the Best Man what the hell were Graham & I doing on the Hard Shoulder of the M25 2 hours prior to the Start of his Stag Do. So let me delegate the task of Best Man to you Graham. You are after all Kate's Best Man. (Pass Graham notes).

Here's my speech. Finish it off.

Actually being Best Man to your best mate is an awesome responsibility and one I did not take lightly. Take last night for example. Did I take Graham to the pub for a final beer or two? No I did not. Graham took himself and I stayed in and wrote this speech.

My friendship with Graham is now over 18 years old and in that time I can honestly say that he has been a true friend. They say that you can count your true friends on one hand. They are the only people who will be there in your hour of need. I remember when I was made redundant from a certain Kitchen company Graham was there. When I was dumped by my girlfriend, Graham was there. When I was arrested in Argentina for being drunk and disorderly, Graham was there. In fact when I come to think of it Graham you really are a bl**dy jinx.

Talking of drunk and disorderly and also ensuring the good wholesome character of Graham I would like to point out that Graham has never drunk a pint of lager in his life.

“B*ll*cks” I hear you all say, I mean Rubbish I hear you all say “I've even bought him a pint myself”

Well Ladies and Gentlemen think carefully because what you actually bought him was a lager with a lemonade top. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen Graham the drinker only ever drinks shandy. Although to be fair he does drink rather a lot of them.

Drinking, a theme that seems to pop up again and again. Perhaps I should mention last New Years Eve. Vicki and I along with several other people here spent the evening with Graham and Kate at a delightful pub in Etchinghill known as the New Inn. In fact if you have never been to the New Inn you really must go. The landlord and lady, Kevin and Joyce, will give you a friendly welcome, serve you a great pint and cook you up some fantastic home cooked food all at a reasonable price. That's the New Inn Etchinghill.

To Trevor “Do I get my £20 now?”
Sorry I've digressed but it sometimes helps to be a creep. Where were we? New Years Eve, the New Inn a great time, lots to drink and a private conversation between Trevor, Graham's dad and me. It went along the lines of,
“Can you not get Graham to find himself a job in 2005 particularly now that he is getting married?”

So what better time with so many people listening, to market Graham. I am sure that at least one of you could have an opening.
Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the Curriculum Vitae of Graham Paul Semadeni
(Take separate papers out of pocket)

Name: Graham Paul Semadeni
Date of Birth: 28 May 1970
Address: The New Inn, Etchinghill
Profile: An ultra laid back personality hides the determination to avoid anything I do not wish to do – shopping, cooking cleaning…
Present Employment: Dog Sitting

There is now a blank space called Previous employment until the final heading “Other interests” where he lists Music, Sport and Socialising. I think you have had enough of Graham's CV. Lets discuss his Other Interests.

Music. It was only recently that I had discovered a talent of Graham's that has been kept hidden from everyone except perhaps Kate. This is Graham's ability to play the horn. Yes I did say the horn. While at school Graham learnt to blow the baritone horn and although he is giving up playing the musical instrument I have been assured that he still plays with his horn.

And it is playing with his horn that leads me into / onto Kate
Kate. Graham and Kate met some years ago at the local tennis club where true to form Graham searched out the best female tennis player to be his mixed doubles partner. This happened to be Kate. As the years went on and girlfriends were asked to leave the Semadeni house with 3 hours warning the only constant was Kate. Their mixed doubles partnership blossomed into love from the day Graham stopped playing mixed doubles and started playing Kate. Not long after Kate moved in and refuses to leave. In fact I know that Graham does not want her to leave, as he truly does love her… cooking and her cleaning.

Finally, I know everybody here knows Graham in a different way. To me he is a friend a confidante and a true ally. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me. In fact we spend our time doing nothing for each other. I wouldn't have it any other. He is my Best Mate.

Ladies and Gentlemen, a toast: to the new Mr & Mrs Semadeni.