Speech by Jim Bates

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jim Bates
Speech Date: Oct2006
This is the second time today I have stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand…

Well Dave, I hope you made the most of your speech… now you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!

First of all I'd like you all to give a big hand to the Bridesmaid and the Page boys who all look terrific!

Pause for applause

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. For those of you that don't know me, my name's “Jim, what are you drinking” so if you do see me knocking around, I'd like you to address me by my full name.

I've had the privilege of being Dave's best man. I'm also the Brides lovely brother or should that be the lovely bride's brother! Anyway I think you'll all agree… the bride looks absolutely stunning!

Pause for applause

Dave looks absolutely stunned!

You can't deny it's been an emotional day though… even the cakes in tiers!

Now this is only going to be a short speech because of my throat… If I go on too long Lisa's threatened to cut it!

I first met Dave when I joined the same company where he was working, he was the typical apprentice: Lazy, cheeky, always on the sick, but once he knuckled down he soon learned how to be a good fitter, “with my help of course”. Saying that he did spend most of the time in the toilet and when he wasn't he was on his phone texting, I used to say he would make a good secretary because he could text 60 words a minute!

Dave eventually moved on by taking voluntary redundancy, I also volunteered but they said they were only getting rid of the dead wood!

Dave carried on, still believing he could become a good fitter, “like me” But eventually decided he'd be better off robbing old people of their nest eggs, by selling them Double Glazing!

Now Dave fancied himself has a bit of a footballer, he even shares his Birth with a certain Frank Lampard, but he reminded me more of that guy in that film “my left foot”

Now Dave also tried his hand has a D.J. He was that good after ten minutes the jukebox was turned back on! “Don't give up your day job”

When Dave first met Lisa, it was on a blind date: Which was set up by my wife. They even had three dates before I found out I think they were worried about the Big Brother Thing!

But I have never seen my Little Sister so happy, so he must be doing something right!

Their love has blossomed over the years so much so that Dave whisked Lisa off to Amsterdam, got down on one knee or was it both! And asked Lisa to marry him.

Now that's why we are here on this wonderful day and have witnessed the marriage of two special people that are both dear to my heart.

Just remember Lisa, Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes, and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark, until they mature into something, that you would like to have dinner with.

On the other hand Dave, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age,until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

We have actually received some messages from people who unfortunately couldn't be with us which I would like to read to you now

To Dave
we could have been so good together
Love Kate Moss

To Lisa
we could have been so good together
Love Martina Navratilova

Toast

Family and friends, I ask you all to be upstanding and drink a toast to the bride and groom…

Now before I make this toast… let me just say…

Marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without.

Also Dave remember those 3 little words that are the key to a long and happy marriage… ”You're right love”!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the new Mr and Mrs Cobham, Dave and Lisa