Speech by Jim Harley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jim Harley
Speech Date: Aug2007
Right, my turn. I have been looking forward to this for some time!
I'd just like to reiterate, thanks everyone for coming, and thanks to all those that took some heat off me at the ceremony. Ellie with the flowers. Darren and Paul and of course Phil and Elisabeth, for your hard work, both today and in the build up. The bridesmaids, Lena and Caroline you look gorgeous, and did a great job looking after Lisa- I know she's been nervous about today.

Not as nervous as my mate Ad though! This last week he's been very quiet, and keeping himself extremely busy, which was nice while it lasted. I'm sure by the time you return from the honeymoon, it'll be back to the same over excited 10 year old behaviour that we all know and love.
Lisa, I have to say, not because it's tradition, but because it's true, you look fabulous.

Not everyone here knows me, so I'm Jim, James or Chesney apparently I have a resemblance to the one and only Mr Hawks?. Oh, and I drink anything- lager, cider, wine, shots or cocktails, not all at once though, not today anyway. I'm still recovering from Monday night. I kid you not!
I've had the pleasure of working with Adam, known to many as Prince Adam of Eternia, Master of the Universe, at Cheltenham fire station for the last 6 years or so, and in that time we have become very good friends- hence him asking me be Best Man. It did come as a surprise though when he asked me. Not so much that he asked, but more in the way it was asked, what appeared to be an afterthought in an email. From memory it was simply tagged onto the end &quotPS. Feel free to say no, but would you be my best man!&quot.

It is of course a privilege and an honour to represent you in this way today. You have been there for me on many occasions, when I fall asleep on dance floors you were there to wake me up. You have helped me start all those DIY jobs, as my self motivation is so bad, I still need a hand to finish everything by the way. Thanks for those kind words before, you're a great mate and I love you very much. I'm sorry though, it is my job to now make as much fun of you as possible. Brace yourself!

Over the past few months I have been digging, trying to get dirt on you, to humiliate you in front of your family and friends. It wasn't that hard!
What was hard however was making it family friendly there are children here after all. Your chat with the Chief Fire Officer for example, a definite no no. The fact that you like to dress up as Spiderman in the bedroom? I just don't want to go down that route! That's for the two of you and your web cam. I could go on about your grasp of the English language, like thinking that Big Brothers Sezer was an interpreter for the whole BB opening night, when clearly it said he was an entrepreneur, but no. I thought about your sporting prowess, and how your game is perfection, in your head, but in reality is a very distant second. Why is it you don't play football for any team? Oh that's it, they won't pay you enough and you didn't want to show the other players up.

Then a chance meeting with your Uncle John, and he told me something I never knew! It was perfect. I am just upset that I never actually got to witness it first hand.

For those that don't know, Adam used to be a part time, retained firefighter. This meant he carried a pager, and came to the fire station as and when required. Now on one occasion Adam responded to an emergency call, but was a little over keen. Red lights are give ways for emergency vehicles, stops for everyone else. They are not drive through as fast as you can to get on the shout! Adam, no matter what you think, you are not a superhero, and you do not have any special powers. So, rather than attend the original call out, his crew found themselves rescuing Adam from his now very sorry looking car. Thankfully it was just Adam's ego and motor that was seriously hurt. And you wonder why the boss hasn't put your name down for an HGV course? Never going to happen, Sarah will be driving the trucks long before you!

Until Monday I was thinking that I was failing you as Best Man, I hadn't got you so drunk that you did something stupid. Something I was expecting you to manage very easily due to your poor tolerance of alcohol.

Thankfully when you had the dance off with my sister in Blush, I knew I had fulfilled that task. I do hope that everyone here can get to see your Peter Crouch robot moves later on. They were very special.

I would love to have a small character assignation of Lisa now, just to be fair and equal, but unlike Adam, she has no imperfections, no dodgy past, and I have nothing whatsoever bad to say. By the way Lisa, I'm not intimidated by you at all, honestly.

I've only ever known the two of you as a couple, and you seem like you could have always been that way. You are a perfect match, well done to the pair of you for finding each other. Just before I finish though, I did find a few one liners that would suit today. You've probably all heard them a thousand times before, but here they are anyway:

Adam, you are a very lucky man you've got Lisa. She is beautiful, intelligent, funny, warm, loving and caring.
And Lisa, well, you've got Adam.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love after marriage it is self-defence.

They went down as well as could be expected!
And so, I conclude this final speech. My most heartfelt congratulations to Adam and Lisa, that's the last time you come first by the way, and ask everyone to raise your glasses to the bride and groom.

Now I believe it's time to cut the cake, and Adam, Lisa tells me that she has a special treat for you. She got you the monkey cake that you so wanted. And you thought I was joking when I described Adam as an over excited 10 year old.