Speech by Jim Lyons

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jim Lyons
Speech Date: Apr2005
Bride and Bride Groom, Family and friends…

May I begin with a serious important message…………
WHEREVER county council and the POSH Hotel, have asked me to request that, for health and safety reasons, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them )

For those who don't know I'm GROOMS older brother my name is ME. , in case you wish to say hello later, to congratulate me on such a fine speech, and to avoid any confusion my full name is ME whatcanigetyou.

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them )

Unfortunately for you poor lot, today, I am GROOMS Best Man and as such get to do a speech.
With which I have a bit of an issue to raise, it has come to my attention that there is a bet on about the length of the Best Man's speech.… however I am sure you will all be glad to know that I got wind of this and have put a bet down of an hour,
and with the kitty currently at £100 pounds ,
I have a bit of a dilemma – do I drag the speech out for the hour so I win
or do I get on with it so we can get in the bar?

…(drop hidden concertina of several pieces of A4 sellotaped together with coins stuck at bottom for weighting. This should be hidden from view whilst holding speech),,,,

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them

Now before I begin my character assassination on my little brother, I would like to start by saying something I know everyone in this room would agree with, and that is that BRIDE looks absolutely stunning in her beautiful dress and On behalf of SOMEONE the lovely bridesmaid (s), I would like to thank GROOM for his kind well rehearsed words and also thank him for finally admitting that I am the Best man.

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them )

I'd also like to thank the bridesmaid (s) ,

(if present passed if not go to *)

I know that BRIDE has given you something already to say thanks, however I'd like to add to this by saying

(on ) *what a great job you have done getting BRIDE through today and I think everyone will agree you both look beautiful.

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them )

I'd also like to thank SON, for being a superb page boy/ best man's assistant.

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them )

I'd like to thank BRIDE's parents, BLANK and BLANK for their hard work in helping BRIDE to prepare for today, and for inviting us to be part of GROOMS and BRIDE's special day. And BLANK for his kind words earlier.
And also especially thank everyone involved in organising what I am sure we will all agree has been a wonderful day and really got GROOM and BRIDE's marriage off to a perfect start…

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them )

Now we begin….…

For those of you who are related to the lovely BRIDE and perhaps don't know GROOM very well please allow me to give you an insight into my younger brother.

GROOM to give him his full title, was born in SOMETOWN on the SOMEDATE.
I knew GROOM since the day he was born, to be precise it was actually 2 minutes after he was born when I asked my mum if we could keep him!!
Unfortunately for us she decided to.

He shares his birthday with Richard Gere, (American actor), and Sir Bernard Lovell, (English physicist and astronomer, who made the huge radio telescope at Jodrell bank.) Brains and good looks, so he shares a birthday with them and not a lot else.

In the year GROOM was born the Mr Men books were first published, interestingly GROOM invented a game several years later, entitled “the Mr man guessing game”…… it never really caught on. But ask him about it later, PLEASE

As we grew up, we were largely inseparable, we went to primary school together, we joined the cubs together… although GROOM only attended twice, and we went to secondary school together where GROOM got some rather interesting nick names!!
One being, NICKNAME, the other I seem to re-call was being named after that well known actor that he shared a rather uncanny likeness to ………Billy Cornelius.
Who's Billy Cornelius? I hear you cry. Well he was the star of a 1966 extremely funny film entitled Carry on screaming. Here's a picture of Billy Cornelius, ( show GROOM's picture {Picture 1 Blown up to at least A3 size} ).

And here's one of GROOM , ( show carry on Photo {2) ) or “ODD BOD” as he was affectionately known back then.

Can you tell the difference?

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them )

You know they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, well BRIDE in GROOMS's case that is 100% true. Take for example the time he was young, free and single, and a little tiddly, out in SOMETOWN town centre after a few cheeky little drinks with his chums. And He was propositioned by a rather attractive lady, GROOMS's reply was somewhat endearing, it went something like this ..
“ NO THANKS LOVE I'VE GOT CHIPS”

As best man I have a few specific jobs to do today, this speech was one of them, and an earlier one being to make sure GROOM got here on time and in decent form. I'm impressed that GROOM followed my instructions to dress smartly today, although I am a bit disappointed he decided to copy my outfit.
Yes! getting him here sober and smart! It was my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order. I think that I have frankly done the best I could given what I had to work with, although at least his hair today is a considerable improvement on some of the styles that he has sported over the years. ******* (Photographs {3} {4} and {5})

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them )

I also asked some of his friends and family about what they would say about him:

some words you could use to describe GROOM are charming, intelligent and entertaining…but nobody said those, so I won't use them.
He was once described as boring, unable to take his drink, miserable and boring…and let's face it if anyone would know him it would be our mum.
I thought this was a bit harsh, but I couldn't argue with her.

I have more entertaining stories about him – however hardly any of it is even vaguely appropriate for his wedding, and as a result I would be in a lot of trouble if I told them here…so I'll be telling them over there later (indicate to the bar)

However I do know that amongst other things GROOM's fashion sense is somewhat lacking…
Picture if you will a busy city, and zoom in to a small office somewhat like “the office” on TV.
It's nine a.m. the office doors open and the staff come in ready for a hard days work. Picture if you will GROOM entering the office, sporting a lovely pair of shoes……..… One brown and one black.…

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them )

Whilst we're onto GROOM's fashion sense…………I think these speak for themselves.]

(PICTURES (6} {7} {8} )

(pause for applause and/or laughter … if no response humour them )

Despite my character assassination on GROOM, he has been there for me once or twice in my life when I needed him, and his house and can safely say he's the best brother and friend a man could have.

I think that's what that bit says, your writings not improved much here has it?..…

Actually, while wondering what to say this afternoon, I couldn't help
thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 30 years ago
BRIDES's family were sending her to bed with a dummy…(pause)…..here they are
again today doing the same thing.…

We may be asking ourselves what BRIDE sees in GROOM I know I do!
But they say love is blind and marriage is a real eye opener, so I'd like to
say, GROOM, you are a lucky man, marrying BRIDE today. She deserves a good
husband…… unfortunately you got to her before she had a chance to find one!
( if no cards go to **(joking…….)

At this point I've been asked to read the following messages out.…

If there are any…

**(Joking aside though, )** We are here to celebrate the joining of two people who have decided to spend the rest of their lives together, and here I'd like to say a quote that a wise man once said:-

“You don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them”…

So, ladies and gentlemen, it really has been an honour and a pleasure being best man.

Its GROOM and BRIDE's day and I wish them all the happiness in the world for this new chapter in their lives.
To round up then, I d like to thank you all for your attention, and let
me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I
enjoyed making it, then all I can do is apologise most sincerely.
That's it. I am sure you will be as glad as me that there is no more, bar a toast, so if you would all please charge your glasses and be upstanding…ladies and gentlemen, Mr and Mrs STUPID , the bride and groom…