Speech by Jim

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jim
Speech Date: oct 2004
Scared. (Need giant glasses, big ears, fake boobs)? (Put on giants glasses)
Look shell-shocked,
Ask if everyone can hear you in a low shy full voice, (then when they say no throw the big plastic ears at them)
Start by shouting (any heckling during my speech and ill have these (bouncers) throw you out), {Produce rubber breasts}

Drink.

Before I start those of you who don't know me, my name is JIMMY WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING; so if you see me later please don't hesitate to call me by my name.
And talking of drink feel free to go to the bar during my speech because this could take some time and might be your only chance of a top up before the last bells, but remember to get me one while you are there. And also there will be hot dogs and popcorn on sale during the half time interval.
And if I go on too long blame Eddie because he told me the longer I take the less he has to pay the DJ.

Safety.

Now, I've been asked to make a couple of announcements before I get going with my speech.
Firstly, Eddie and Jackie have asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, those who are still awake at the end of my speech should not get up on top of the tables and chairs during my standing ovation. And a warning to the ladies please don't throw your underwear at me, because as I said HEALTH AND SAFTY.

Reason why we are here. (Produce two bundles of paper)

I take it everyone knows why we are all here today? Good because you'll all be glad to hear that's half my speech you'll not have to listen to, just this half to go then, (HOLD UP A PILE OF PAPERS)
We are all hear today to celebrate the marriage of Mr. Edward William Hunt to Miss Jacqueline McBride now to be known as Mr. and Mrs. Hunt.

Priest speech (put on the collar and use bible!)

The lord did say to Jesus that all good things must come to an end, he also said a man in love is a fool and once a fool always a fool.
Ladies and gentlemen we are gathered here today to witness the passing of not only a drinking buddie, but a man who had a mind of his own; a man who need not ask permission, a man who went forward without even thinking of looking back, and that man goes by the name of Edward William Hunt, a better man you could not have met, he was the perfect son, father and friend and will be so dearly missed, never again will we be able to ask him out for a pint without hearing these immortal words, (sweetheart is it ok if I go to the pub for a pint with the boys ill be ever so quick I promise honey .)

(AND SO LET US PRAY)
Our father please take Eddie under your wing, and give him a bloody good slap,
Let him know that his friends and family are not pleased with him,
Let him understand that he really is beyond help,
For he has let his heart rule his head, and now has to pay the price for his foolishness,
Our lord, please take him aside, and let him see the darkness in which he now faces,
Make him understand that there is no way back, and what he possesses is not a nice cozy family life but a life of torment,
A life of speaking to a brick wall,
A life of living with an inferior species that knows no common sense or understands the need for us males to visit the pub unaccompanied and without the need of worrying about what time the last bus home is.
Our lord please take care of this once proud man and to see it in your heart to forgive him because his friends and family certainly can't.
Amen.

Welcome Ladies & gents
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Grannies and granddads, brothers and sisters. Aunts and uncles, cousins and half cousins, friends and neighbors, customers and clients and the pimp. Id like to welcome you all to the circus` to celebrate these two clowns getting married!! Who would have thought Eddie would actually go through with it eh; mind you Eddie would do anything to win a bet
But Jesus this is taking it a bit to far, all this for a fiver.

Confession.
Now before I go any further I have a confession to make to Jackie, now everyone would say that it doesn't matter and that its too late but it matters to me. It matters that you should start a marriage with a clean slate, Jackie I just want you to know that Eddie has not been truthful to you. This marriage is based on a lie, a very serious one at that, Jackie I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but eddies not and never has been pregnant!!!

Queen.

Now I've heard that being `BEST MAN` is a great honor, MUCH LIKE MAKING LOVE TO THE QUEEN. But just the same nobody really wants to do it. But I jumped at the chance! And as Eddie says beauty is only skin deep, and you just have to keep your eyes closed and think of Catherine zeta Jones but some*females* he's been with looked more like vinny Jones than Catherine zeta Jones but it must work because the *females* he's been with you would have had to gouge your eyes out just to be on the safe side.

Thanks to both parents.

I would like to thank both sets of parents for making it possible for us all to be sitting here on this special day celebrating this marriage because without Jackie's parents (John and Norma) taking a couple of seconds out to conceive Jackie, And eddies parents (Edward+Williamina) For thinking that the standing up position was a good birth control none of this would have been possible! Obviously they didn't bank on Eddie being such a strong + determined swimmer! He told me he went from womb to ovary in 3.5 seconds!!!(You just couldn't wait to get on the nipple could you!!!)?

Thank the bridesmaids ect.

I would also like to thank the two bridesmaids (Tracy and Jennifer) who look fantastic especially Tracy Who's gone to a lot of effort to look nice (but still not as nice as her little sister Jackie !!!)(I had to get that in or)(Make a cut throat action) Tracy's had her hair done by Nikki Clark, her dress from versace and her foundation from B+Q? No I'm only joking she had that done by Torith the builders and tomorrow she's getting Safedem in to take it off.

Two sentences.

Eddie apparently exhausted all possibilities before asking me, (can't think why!). But I didn't take it personally. It would appear I am virtually his only friend who can string together 2 sentences. Although I do believe he has 1 friend who is just starting on his first Sentence! (About 8 years apparently)!!!

Fall out

And yes, I think Eddie would agree we've had our differences in the past. There have been times when Eddie would call me “half pint”, and I would call him “fattso”. We would both run home crying. Sure enough, the next day, Eddie would e-mail me at work and we would make up.

Year born.

I did a bit of research and I found that the year Eddie was born,1969 was the year a man first set foot on the moon. It is believed to be Eddies biological father and he's still they're refusing any blame and no bloody wonder. Interestingly though, the year later they started producing the birth control pill – in huge amounts!!

Calming nerves.

I was talking to Eddie this morning, you know calming nerves and all that – my nerves, not his and I asked him what he wanted out of this marriage he replied, love, happiness, good health and another 7 kids to complete the football team. When I asked Jackie the same question earlier she said a British passport .(say it in an Indian accent)

Tyres.

His mum says Eddie was a fun loving and happy child, always smiling mischievously, getting most fun from taking the tyres off his toy cars. How little did he know that
many years later he would again be trying to remove a tyre, that being the one around his waist?

Rules. (Need helium filled balloon)

Now, I'm sure a number of men here today have been best man at a wedding before, but
How many of you have received instructions from the bride-to-be, before hand?
The conversation went something like this:(inhale helium) “Jim- Darling, I was very pleased with myself for forcing cuddles into asking you to be his best man. I have yearned for you for some time now and I can't think of anyone more, charming, attentive and down right sexy to fulfill this crucial role. But I do want you to remember that this is my big day and I'll probably only get the chance to do this once or twice more so I don't want anything to spoil it. With this in mind I have some rules-
Do not get drunk, –
Do not get Eddie drunk –
Do not swear, –
Do not make fun of the size of eddies manhood, –
Do not mention his inability to adequately perform, –
Please try to keep your clothes on; it's not fair on me or the rest of the girls here. –
Finally, whatever you do, do not let Eddie dance!!!

History. (Need keys with messages attached)

Now Eddie and Jackie will be the first to admit that they are not mere youngsters setting out on the road to adulthood, so it's fair to say that their must be some history here.

***Big grin***

Because of this I took the opportunity to place an advert in the local paper. It read as follows: –

Notice to the people of Dundee. Former bachelor extraordinaire Mr. Edward hunt 8 top left Morgan place Dundee, is getting married, on 17th April 2004, to miss Jacqueline McBride. Would those of you still retaining keys to their house kindly return them to the address above before this date? If you would like to add a message wishing them well please do so.
(Then pull out keys with notes and sexy and unsexy underwear attached and cuffs and whips ect.)

Dig up the dirt

Now at this point I am supposed to try and embarrass, Eddie but everyone in here knows there's absolutely no chance of doing that so the only thing I can do now is tell a couple of stories about some things that happened in his younger years.

Fishing at fife.

Now as most people know Eddie likes his fishing and this is a story about the time we were night fishing over in fife. There was four of us (me, Eddie, john and mark) and we were staying in an old barn beside the sea it was about 3 in the morning and mark had fallen asleep so Eddie getting bored decides to hatch a plan to wake mark up. Firstly he went to the front door and proceeded to empty his bowels on the floor, next he climbs onto the roof and blocks the chimney .not content with that he proceeds to stoke the fire with wet grass and makes a quick exit then waits for it all to take effect, needless to say he doesn't have to wait long before we hear mark choking on the smoke storming out the barn barefooted, straight into eddies bowel movements. And for some reason mark was the only one who couldn't see the funny side.

Blind boy.

Ill give you another story that sums up Eddie. It was when he was working in jeansters (yes he did have a job once) in walks this blind boy. Now the poor guy was looking for some assistance and unfortunately went straight to EDDIE to for help, apparently he was looking for a soft loose fitting shirt, it had to feel just right, so Eddie proceeds to show him a range of shirts, and after 30 minutes or so he still didn't find any he liked so by this time Eddie was getting rather cheesed of with the boy and proceeded to go in the back of the shop and take his now sweaty shirt off and put on a clean one, he then stuck the sweaty one on a coat hanger an made his way back to the blind boy asking him if this is any good, the boy took one feel of it and liked it and so bought the sweaty shirt and Eddie got commission on the sale.

Shooting.

Ok this is the last story ill give you this time it was when we were about 14 years old during the school holidays, it was a sunny day and we were again bored looking for something to do, so I decided that we should take my air rifle up to the nearby quarry and see if we could shoot some pigeons and everyone agreed so of we went .We got as far as the end of my housing block just about to go through the bushes to cross the main road when Eddie asks for the rifle, thinking he had spotted the pigeons on the trees on the other side of the road I gave him the gun and he disappeared into the bush .The next thing I hear is the rifle being fired followed by Eddie appearing out of the bush ,he hands me the rifle then starts to leg it through the housing scheme ,it wasn't till I turned round to see a policeman running up the hill towards me that id realized he had only gone and shot at a passing police car, and left me holding the rifle, needless to say I quickly followed him, but me not helped with the fact I was carrying the heavy rifle was to slow and got caught, reported to the children's panel and had my rifle confiscated. So I don't think ill be going to America for my holidays now!.

Highs low (knife through head)

Now, I remember the first time I met Jackie, well to be more precise she met me (put on the knife through head gag), now to this day she still claims that it was an accident. But its ok sweetheart it's not as big an accident as you marrying Eddie.

Love at first sight (eye glasses + tongue-dummy + rattle -giants glasses)

Now I was fortunate to be present when Eddie and Jackie first set eyes on each other, and the look on there faces said it all. Ill give you all an idea of what they were like, (put on pop out eyeglasses and large tongue (for him) then large dummy and rattle (for her).
Although I've only known Eddie for about 28 years and Jackie for-gosh I remember I used to change her nappies but I guess that will have to stop now won't it. All the time I have known them they have been great friends. I've seen them go through highs and lows and here they are still together side by side which just goes to prove how blind love can be!!! (Give Jackie the giant's glasses).

Farm

Now for those of you who don't know Jackie was brought up on a farm, which might explain the reason for falling head over heels in love with Eddie, as he seems to have all the characteristics of a farm animal for example he's not exactly attractive, his farting is on a par with a bull, he's a tiny bit overweight and he keeps trying to lick his bollocks.

Settling down.

I never saw Eddie show signs of wanting to settle down until Jackie threatened him with the CSA, but I am glad to say he is approaching his future life without hesitation. He has already mastered the popular married male phrase “yes your right dear”.
I know that Eddie sees marriage as being very similar to his beloved rangers – he's totally committed, wants to score every Saturday and change ends at half time.

Single/hair+shampoo

I did once know him to be single for some time. Desperately he put an ad in the local paper saying “wife wanted” unfortunately he only got back replies in `BRAILE` and he had some hair then. Just to jog your memories (place wig on head) now girls would you take that home to your mother? Well I suppose it depends on what kind of mother you have doesn't it “Jackie” I mean some mothers are just not that fussy!!
Out of all the fish in the sea Norma your daughter has to come home with the human equivalent of a sumo wrestler monkfish.
On the subject of hair, this morning I received the order off the Internet you so desperately wanted Eddie, (give him the receding hair shampoo).
The other order you placed will take some time because apparently they don't stock that amount of viagra.

Football.

Now as you may well know Eddie likes his football. I remember every Thursday night we used to nip along to Broughty Ferry for a game of football and he was mince, he was useless in all the positions he tried so let's hope Jackie has better luck.

Ex-girlfriends.

I know it's traditional for the Best Man to wax lyrical about the number of ex-girlfriends the Groom has had. But I don't want to get into all that; it's frankly vulgar and offensive to the Bride. But, suffice to say Eddie, 72 turned out to be your lucky number.

Lucky.

Eddie you are indeed a lucky man; you have married Jackie who is warm; loving, caring and beautiful. She deserves a good husband.
It's just a shame you married her before she found one.

Committed.

Marriage is a splendid thing; it takes work and patience, never take it for granted. In fact my message to you Eddie is that ….you need to be committed…and I have 2 doctors outside ready to sign the forms.

Word / sentence / murder.

Now it shouldn't be a vicar that marries you but a judge because marriage is not simply a word but a sentence, as you get less for murder.

Thanks.

On a sincere note I would just like to thank Eddie for asking me to be his best man…and thank him for his friendship over the years that I've known him.

I would also like to thank Jackie for letting Eddie ask me. (I bet your sorry now?)
And I know her reason behind that,

She was hoping Eddie didn't make it and by tradition she would have to marry the best man, Jackie I tried my best to loose him, but you try and loose something that size?
I would also like to thank everyone for coming today, especially those who have
traveled long distances. (Jackie's mum and dad came all the way from tealing to be here!!!) I know it means a lot to Eddie and Jackie to have you all here.

Honor

Honestly on a more serious note, it really is an honor to be Eddies best man because
to me Eddie is one of the best men I know. (Apart from Michael Jackson Garry glitter) He is a great guy and through the years I've known him he's been like a brother to me. A truer friend a man could not wish for, there is genuinely nothing I wouldn't do for him and I know equally there is nothing he wouldn't do for me. In fact we've spent our whole lives doing absolutely nothing for each other.

Gifts (Plucked rubber chicken and club)

And now that your married Eddie I have a couple of gifts that I'd like to give you. Now as all the blokes know that once the women get the ring on the finger that's when the headaches start. So to get you through the (hard) times (im keeping it clean) I'd like to give you this. (Give him the plucked rubber chicken). It's ok I gave it a good wash!
The other thing I have for you is something that will keep the new wife in line and has proven itself over hundreds of years, and it even cure's headaches, (give him the club) because if she cant feel her head then she cant have a headache, quite simple but very, very effective –Apparently.

Messages.

We have actually received some messages from people who unfortunately couldn't be with us, which I would like to read to you now,

To Eddie,
We could have been so good together,
Love mother Elmer fud

To Jackie,
You will still be our pin up!
Love all the boys from rampant lions supporters club.

To Eddie,
You will still be our pincushion
Love all the ladies from Whitfield labour sewing club.

To Eddie,
We could have been so good together,
Love Michael Barrymore.

To Jackie,
We were so good together, shame you settled for him,
Love George clooney.

One from an ex girlfriend. To Eddie: Have a great day and sorry I couldn't make it, but I have double Math's on Fridays.

To Jackie,
It's still not too late,
Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of love
Jimmy carlin (myself).

To Mr. and Mrs. Hunt,
Congratulations on your marriage
Sorry I could not attend. Please forward a photo of the bride and groom…Mounted
Best wishes…playboy.

To Jackie, you are up to your limit on your store card, please make a payment immediately – Anne Summers, not sure who she is.

Toast.

Now if you would like to join me in a quick toast;
To the only thing worth coming here to see.
To the best man!!!

The vows have been read,
The cake cut,
Lets hope that Jackie,
Don't grow a big butt…sorry wrong one.

Here's to love, laughter,
And happily ever after,
As Eddie and Jackie start their new life,
Lets toast the new husband and wife.

Eddie and Jackie.

We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage. (Because Eddie this is the last time I'm being your best man!!)
To Eddie +Jackie, wee Eddie, Iona and Logan and not forgetting Jennifer.
Good luck and cheers.

Invite

Now before I go Eddie says, that when the reception has finished tonight you are all invited to his place for some drink, and as it's a special occasion he'll give you a bottle of coke free with every bottle of vodka you buy (but only up till 3:00).

THANK YOU, AND UP WI THE KILTS!!!