Speech by Jimmy Lamb

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jimmy Lamb
Speech Date: 16/06/2016 21:19:42

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman.

For those of you that don't know me, I'm James (Or Jimmy Lamb to the majority of you) and I am Paul's cousin & best man.

So this is the first time I have been asked to carry out the Best Man duties and I must confess to you all I am extremely nervous. This must be the fifth time today I have left a warm seat with several pieces of paper in my hand.

(PAUSE)

I've spent months frantically searching the Internet for tips on how to go about it. The best tip I found is that the speech should only last as long as it takes for the happy couple to make love on their wedding night: –

(STOP CHECK WATCH)

So on that note ladies and Gentleman, and not wanting to disappoint, can I ask you all to raise your glasses as we toast to the new Mr and Mrs Hanlon. (PAUSE & SIT DOWN)

I'm only joking, well Paul wishes I were.

I think we can all agree that so far the day has been amazing and it's only going to get better, but as with any wedding, there is a select list of people who I would just like to say a few special words about.

Firstly, I would like to thank you all for making the journey here today, to help celebrate this wonderful occasion.

Also a massive thank you to both sets of parents, (Jim and Pauline) and (Sandra & Derek) who have helped out enormously to make today possible.

A special thanks to the three Ushers, Scotty, Dale and Maxi. You've done a great job today lads. And also a big thanks to the pageboys and flower girl. I think everyone here would agree they look absolutely brilliant.

To the bridesmaids, Steph, Gillian & Lisa – you've done a great job getting Danielle here today, and I must say use all look absolutely stunning, I'm sure you will all be asked for a dance later on. However, I think we can all agree that the most stunning person in the room today is the bride herself. Danielle you truly do look amazing and really do look one in a million.

And Paul…well you look like you were won in a raffle! I'm only joking mate.

But on a serious note I'm so happy my mate is all grown up and has found someone to spend the rest of his life with. You couldn't be more suited to each other. I cannot thank you enough for giving me the chance to be your best man and sharing your special day.

Now I think everyone would agree that so far today has run like clockwork and the venue looks amazing. I know a lot of intricate planning has gone into today's event, from the colour of the flowers, the detail of the centrepieces, even right down to the food we have just eaten – not that I would know!!!. Danielle you deserve a pat on the back. It's clear you're the brains behind the operation. Cause if I know Paul like I think I do, if he was left in charge we would have eaten chicken and broccoli washed down with a bottle of water followed by a packet of Tesco midget gems for desert (I know this is regular meal for Paul most weeks). Don't forget though this would have all been done whilst sitting in the comfort of the BMC club.

(PAUSE)

Moving on…

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings, a man who is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession, based solely on determination, grit and the will power to push on where others have fallen.

A man who is beginning to distinguish himself at the highest level amongst his peers, and where nobody can say a bad word against him.

But that's enough about me.

(PAUSE)

What I am really here for this afternoon, is to talk to you all about my best mate, Paul Thomas Hanlon.

Paul arrived into this world on Saturday the 20th of January 1990. So I decided to do a bit of research in to that date, to see what other monumental events had taken place.

This is what I found:

There was a crackdown of Azerbanji pro-independence demonstrations by the Soviet army

and

The 64th US manned space mission returned to earth.

Nothing too monumental I hear you say, until very recently. This was also the day a Hibernian Scottish Cup winner was born.

(CLAP & APPLAUSE)

Now I've been told that the first time Paul and I met was we went on our first lads holiday to Scarborough aged 9 months and 3 months, we don't really remember too much about this trip, as we had far too much to drink due to our high calcium intake.

But we've moved on since then and our trips away have gone international. Our last one being the stag weekend in Ibiza. I'm sure all of the lads that went would agree that it was a great laugh and a brilliant few days away.

Now everyone knows that Paul isn't famous for his drinking. You're more likely to find him in the gym or down Tesco's doing his weekly shop – but since the Scottish Cup final he claims that he could even keep up with Big Deek and Sandra – I'm not quite sure about that Paul.

(PAUSE)

For the lads that were away I think you would all agree that there was only one man of the match from this trip and that was Gaffers or as others would know him, Dean Gaffney from Eastenders.

Another trip that was also very memorable was our trip to Tenerife. I'm pretty sure Paul was injured at this point and the manager had given him a couple of weeks off. I think the managers words were “Paul, go away and relax, get a little bit of sun and come back ready to play”. This relaxing didn't last very long as at the end of the first night Paul was found spewing all over the reception area of our 5 star hotel. He keeps telling me he's a top drinker – I'm really not convinced. The final trip that I will never forget and a trip that also means a lot to both Paul and Danielle, was our trip to New York. Unbeknown to Danielle whilst she was arriving in New York, Paul and I had just checked into our hotel and were taking in the sights at Times Square. The trip was ultimately based on Paul going to propose to Danielle, but it turned out to be a mini lads holiday as well.

I'll never forget the time that we were sitting beneath the Rockefeller Centre waiting in anticipation for the text from Lisa, one of Danielle's work colleagues, telling Paul to get round to the hotel to pop the question. I've never seen him so nervous – until today! As Danielle was there on work, Paul and I went for celebratory drinks that night. A cold apple cider in sunny NYC – you cant ask for much more than that. Well what we thought was apple cider; turned out to be apple juice. I'm pretty sure Paul began to act slightly drunk.

For the next bit of my speech, I need a little assistance from you both. Danielle, please can you put your hand flat on the table, and then Paul place your hand on top of it. All will be revealed in a short time, but if you could leave your hands as they are I would much appreciate it.

Now, just before I finish I believe it is customary to give the groom few words of advice. Not being married myself I had to seek the advice from other married men within the room to see what they thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage. And this is what they advised.

(TURN AND LOOK AT PAUL)

Paul you firstly need to set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything Danielle says!

Secondly, never be afraid that Danielle will leave you – she's spent all this time training you, she's not going to throw that away lightly!

Thirdly, never forget to say those three little words, everyday for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DANIELLE!”

And whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it…and whenever you're right, just say nothing.

As they say a man who gives in when he is WRONG is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is RIGHT…well, he is probably married.

Oh and one other thing before I move on…Paul, Danielle has requested that I ask you to stop using her eye cream at night – she said its getting beyond a joke!

Now I'm sure you are all wondering why I asked Paul to place his hand on top of Danielle's? I will now let you know. Paul..… As my final role as Best Man, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last few minutes, in which you will ever have the upper hand over Danielle in married life. I do hope you appreciate it mate.

On a serious note and joking apart, words cannot express how happy I am that you have finally tied the knot today. I know, and I am sure everybody else here would agree with me, Paul you could not have made a better choice in Danielle.

For me, as I said earlier, it has been a great honour to be your Best Man today. We have shared some amazing times over the years gone by and I am know these will continue long in to the future. I would just like to finish off with a quote for all you Romantics out there.

“MARRIAGE IS NOT ABOUT FINDING A PERSON YOU CAN LIVE WITH, IT'S ABOUT FINDING THE PERSON YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT” and in Danielle, Paul has definitely found that person.

So then Ladies and Gentlemen, It gives me immense pleasure, not to mention the relief, to invite you all to be upstanding, for those of you that can, and raise your glasses,

TO THE BRIDE & GROOM, MR & MRS HANLON.