Speech by Joe and Dan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Joe and Dan
Speech Date: 28/06/2013 21:24:38

Joe – Good afternoon everybody. For those that don't know, I'm Joe and this is Dan, and we are Simon's Best Men. Its obviously an honour to be asked to be Si's best man, although ‘Best Men’ sounds a bit weird – it's like he's got lots of men but we're just his favourites!

Dan – Simon said he wanted the perfect best man…….but he didn't manage to find him soended up settling for two useless ones instead!

Joe – We’ve both individually known Simon for years and have had some funny times together. Simon was my best man a few years ago so I've been looking forward togetting my own back for a while now!

It's an honour and a privilege for both us to be Simon's Best Man – and we don't want to mess it up because Si said that, if we do a good job today, we can be Best Men at his next wedding too!

Dan – Before we get started, just a couple of house-keeping rules. Firstly, mobile phones -please feel free to keep them switched on to keep yourselves amused!

J – Also, the Management at The Hop Farm have asked us to make sure that, for healthand safety reasons, nobody stands on the tables and chairs for our standing ovation.

There’s obviously a wide range of ages here today, and lots of close friends and family members, so we've had to ensure that what we say will suit the entire audience.

D – Our speech has been carefully adapted and any sexual innuendo has been removed.

J – Dan and I both agreed that if there was anything of that nature in there – especially anything of huge length – we would both whip it out immediately!

D – On behalf of all of us, thank you to Simon and Jen for inviting us all to be part of your big day…….and an even bigger thank you for giving us all an excuse for a day off work!

J – Dan and I did know each other beforehand, we only really became friends through Simon, so when he asked us both to be his Best Men we thought it would be a good idea to get together to talk about the speech. We started thinking about how we bothknew Simon, any funny stories we could recall and the best way of embarrassing him in front of his new wife and all his friends and family.

We agreed that we would speak slowly and clearly – not just to keep our nervesunder control, but so that Simon can keep up. Now I'm not saying Simon's a bit slow,but I remember at school all our teachers would get frustrated with him making silly mistakes. For example, he could never differentiate between millimetres and inches – and from what Jen tells me, nothing’s changed there!

Dan and I got talking and both soon realised that alcohol seems to have a profound impact on Simon's behaviour. When has a drink he tends to make some questionable decisions. This is the guy who when returning home from a night outvery, very drunk to find he was locked out of his house, rather than ask a neighbour for a key, or call a locksmith, he decided to punch his way through the glass panel on the door. The result was that he did get into his house, only to go straight back out again to A+E to get his hand stitched up!

Lots of the other stories we remembered aren't really fit for public consumption – so we're definitely not going to mention the drug dens……..the strip clubs…..the dog fights……….that incident with the goat….!

D – Anyway, so Joe and I have met up a few times to discuss the speech – which usually involved lots of drinking but not much speech writing. In between the beer and the curry, I did manage to fit in how I first met Si.

We actually went to the same school but weren't really friends, until about 8 years ago when I went for a job interview and bumped into him again. I remember feeling very over dressed and very nervous, and being interviewed by Si didn't make me feel much better. However, I did qualify for the exciting role of making number plates, and got the job.

As you all probably know, Simon can be a bit quiet and seem a bit shy, so we spent the first three days LITERALLY in silence. When he did eventually talk he explained that he’d recognised me from school and had put in a good word with the boss.

Very soon we were drinking away our wages every night, and even after Si left the company we continued this tradition. It was this tradition that eventually got me the sack.

Apparently, work starts at 9am, and both shoes were necessary!

So although he helped me get the job, he also helped me lose it! Cheers Si.

J – My favourite memory of Simon also involves getting into trouble after drinking. Iactually met him at primary school about 25 years ago. I don't know why we became friends originally – was it the floppy hair, crooked teeth, ankle swinging trousers orthe My Little Pony lunchbox?

Somehow he saw past all of those faults of mine, and we have been friends now for longer than we haven't.

We've had loads of good times over the years but one that sticks in my mind wasabout 15 years ago, when Simon had come on a camping holiday to Devon with me and my family. We’d been at the beach all day and were feeling confident, so wedecided we would try our luck with the ladies in the local pub.

We were only about 15 so we got ourselves all dressed up – remember we were on a camp site – and headed off confidently into the local pub.

Now back then Simon wasn't exactly the Brad Pitt of our school – more like the Armpit – and I looked like a young Rodney Trotter, so the ladies didn't exactly come flocking.

After a few minutes, we were feeling confident and like we were fitting in quite nicely so decided to get another drink. When we sat down again we could see the landlord eyeing us up, and then he decided to – loudly, and in front of the entire bar – throw us out for being under age.

This wasn’t just embarrassing but also annoying, as Si had just bought us two barcardi breezers which we didn't even get to finish. On the way back to the tent we decided to walk back through the fields around the pub so we wouldn't have to explain ourselves to anyone – we'd spent about an hour getting ready and doing our hair and were only in the pub for about 7 minutes!

So we were walking through the fields looking like we were in a boyband and ended up being chased by a lunatic farmer with a shotgun screaming at us to get off of his land!

We spent the rest of the evening in the tent playing monopoly or something. Not an ideal evening but a funny memory that I'll never forget.

D – Whilst me and Si have had some funny times, there's one particular incident that will stay with me for a very long time.

It involves a lot of alcohol and a high class drinking establishment known as The Venue, which was the scene for more than a few good nights out. This particular time, me and Si were both desperate for the toilet, so we raced to the gents only to find that all the cubicles were busy apart from one.

So in our intoxicated and desperate state, we thought it would be perfectly acceptable to share the one toilet. We done what we had to do, all the while finding the whole thing hilarious. We walked out to be greeted by the biggest, hairiest bouncer you can imagine who just looked at us and said:

“I don't care what you've been doing, but whatever it was, you aint supposed to be doing it – so get out”.

To this day I'm not sure what he thought we were doing!

J – So after establishing that Simon generally likes to drink a fair bit, we started thinking about what could possibly have attracted such a lovely girl like Jen to him?

To be honest, we both think that Simon is, weirdly, the ugliest good-looking bloke we know, so what could it be?

Maybe it's his artistic flare? Simon is a talented artist who has created some genuinely amazing artworks. Some of you will already know this, but a few years ago Si decided to see if his skills as an artist would transfer into the world of tattooing. After buying a kit off the internet, he decided to tattoo HIMSELF with some sort of turtle or tortoise thing on his thigh. It's pretty bad – if you've not seen I'm sure he'll show you later if you ask him.

Needless to say he hasn't got any more self inflicted artwork that we know of.

D – So if it isn't the tattoos, what else could it be? What with Jen working in the fashion world, the thing that she must really love about him is his fashion sense, and the fact that he's in touch with his feminine side.

He seems to have a weird fascination with dressing up. On more than one occasion after a night of drinking – which we've established is a pretty regular thing – Simon would think nothing of dressing up in Jen's clothes. Sometimes he would even go to the extreme of painting his nails!

It seems that Si is actually quite fond of a bit of dressing up, and is comfortable with wearing a bit of make-up to finish off a good outfit.

J – Now, we couldn't get away with not mentioning the Stag Do. It's probably best that we don't divulge too much about the goings on over that weekend back in May eh, Si? But, suffice to say, a great time was had by all.

One particular highlight was the look on Si's face when he realised we weren't joking about him getting a tattoo on his neck. He's actually lucky because we'd managed to convince the guy in the booth to tattoo something entirely inappropriate on hisforehead! So he got away lightly.

We definitely ruined a few people’s evening who’d gone out for a quiet curry, and the state (and smell) of that hotel room after about 9 blokes had crashed in there on only two beds was particularly memorable, and not in good way.  

There's plenty more about the Stag night to talk about, but, as we said at the beginning, we need to keep the speech clean and family friendly. So let’s just say that Simon and all of us had a thoroughly enjoyable time.

Well, maybe just one little taster….???

OPEN ENVELOPE – PHOTO IN MAIDS OUTFIT & GROOM DRESSED UP WEARING MAKE UP

D – I'm sure you will all be relieved to know that we are nearly finished (I know we are)but there’s a few more important things to mention. I’m sure you will all agree that the bridesmaids all look amazing and have done a fantastic job today. Would you all raise your glasses in a toast to them:

“THE BRIDSMAIDS”

And, on a serious note, Jen, you look amazing today and it's clear to everyone that you and Simon are perfect for each other. I remember when you and Simon first met,it was obvious that he really liked you, and today is proof that perseverance does pay off.

J – Simon, congratulations mate, you are a lucky man. You leave here today gaining not just a wife, but someone who is warm, loving, caring, funny, beautiful and radiates kindness wherever she goes.

And Jen, to be fair you're lucky too, you've gained…….a lovely new dress and some flowers??

No, Jen, you look stunning today; Simon, as always, you just look stunned!

D – In fairness, I think everyone will agree that you've scrubbed up alright today – doesn't he look gorgeous???

J – It's clear you are both very much in love. In fact Dan and I asked Simon when he firstknew he was in love with Jen. He said it from the very first moment……she told him he was!

D – In all seriousness, Si, both of us and I'm sure lots of other people here see you as more than just a mate, but a true friend. And hopefully Jen will loan you back to us every once in a while!

J – There are a few messages from those who couldn't make it today which I will now read out.

MESSAGE FROM SHARON

I've also had a last minute messages that I've only just received. It's from….Dan….”what time does the bar open?”

All that remains for us to do is to ask you all to charge your glasses, please stand and join us in wishing Simon and Jen a long, prosperous and happy life together. Ladies and Gentlemen, the toast is………the Bride and Groom.

“THE BRIDE AND GROOM”