Speech by Joe Battaglia

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Joe Battaglia
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. On behalf of the Marc and Jennifer I would like to thank everybody for coming – particularly those of you who have travelled long distances. I'm sure you'll all agree that this is turning out to be a brilliant wedding celebration. Yet every silver lining does have its cloud…..and that cloud is that you will be subjected to my voice for the next few minutes. I have tried to memorise this speech but please forgive me if I resort to my notes every 5 seconds.

First, I'd like to thank the Bridesmaids, Groomsmen and, not least the ushers, for performing their duties so well ,and for looking so great throughout the day.

My Name is Joe and I'm Marc's father and to my eternal amazement his Best Man for the day!

Before I get too far into this speech let me make a quick fatherly comment….… When you have a young son you hope that when he grows up he will marry a girl who is beautiful. Then later on, you think maybe he will marry a girl with a good personality. Then, you hope maybe he will marry a girl who is smart. But as it turns out, he is smarter than you think because he marries a girl who has all those characteristics. We are all very happy for them.

Although I was greatly honored to be asked, to this day I don't know why he asked me to be his best man. Perhaps he thought that because I am his father, I wouldn't say anything that would embarrass him! WRONG…
O.K. then let's get started. I'd like to ask Marc and Jennifer to participate in a little ritual. Jennifier if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table…right. Marc, put your hand directly on top of Jennifer's, …Enjoying that Marc? Make the most of it because it's the last time you'll have the upper hand

In preparing my speech I turned to the Internet to find out what the duties of the best man are and here is an abbreviated list:

First of all I was to help the him to get dressed.
Ensure that he uses the toilet.
Make sure his shoes are tied.
Check to see that his face is clean and hair is neat.
Check his mouth to see if there is anything between his teeth.
And finally, remind him to zip up his pants.
My first reaction was ….duhhhhh!

His mother and I had done all these things, and more, many times,..… many years ago.

I HAVE DRESSED HIM……AND…….UNDRESSED HIM
I HAVE SEEN HIM STAGGER AROUND NAKED
I HAVE SEEN HIM CRAWL
I HAVE WATCHED HIM DRINK FROM A BOTTLE
and of course……..…
HIS MOTHER WASN'T THE ONLY ONE TO CLEAN UP AFTER HIM

Marc was born on Sepember 29, 1973. and in order to give you some kind of historical perspective of the times in which he was born let me list a few of the events of that year.

Movies in 1973:
American Graffiti, The Exorcist, The Sting, Last Tango in Paris

Record of the Year:
“The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,” Roberta Flack

Album of the Year:
The Concert for Bangla Desh

Miss America:
Terry Anne Meeuwsen (WI)

Wimbledon
Women: Billie Jean King d. C. Evert (6-0 7-5)

Kentucky Derby Champion
Secretariat

Stanley Cup
Montreal d. Chicago (4-2)
World Series
Oakland A's d. NY Mets (4-3)

The Cubs and Sox records were the usual.

All these events made little impact on Marc. Indeed, he was so surprised by his birth, that he was speechless for about a year and a half. When he did speak however, he began to immediately speak in complete sentences. This became a typical life tactic for Marc. Independence in the extreme. He always had to do things his way. For instance, although he crawled early on, he never took any first hesitant steps. Instead, one day, at around the age of two years, he got up off the floor and walked across the room as though he had been doing it all his young life.

Marc was really a model son… kind and considerate….rarely naughty .… . and he always tried hard to be good. One evening, at the age of about 3 or 4, he had been sent to his room for a time out. After a few minutes, Julie and I heard his plaintive voice talking to Teddy, his toy bear, “Teddy, I try….but it is so hard to be good.”

Indeed, it was. We used to give Marc a Flintstone vitamin every day after breakfast. A couple years later , Julie was cleaning his room and smelled a sickly sweet smell coming from a corner of the room. Shortly after moving into our new house we had replaced the large metal radiators with baseboard heat, but we had not yet replaced the holes where the radiator pipes had entered the floor. We simply filled them with a fitted piece of hard wood flooring. Removing, the piece of wood, Julie discovered the cause of the smell. Marc had been using this hole in the floor as a repository for all sorts of things: small toys, coins, and many of the Flintstone vitamins he didn't like.

Upon graduation from grammar school, most of his friends went to a high school, nearby. Marc, always the individual, decided he had to go to a school that was about 45 minutes away. There was a school bus that took the boys to school, but the closest it stopped to our house was about 3 miles away. Guess who had to make sure he was on time to catch the bus. It is still a wonder that we never got a speeding ticket and it was also fortunate that I didn't have to get out of the car, as many a morning, MY magnificent manly form was not completely covered…especially in the warmer months … on a couple of instances it would have been best to have had tinted windows.

Things got a bit more complex when Marc joined the swim team and had morning practice at 6 am. This meant that I had to drive the entire 12 miles to school. Finally, in Junior year Marc started to drive himself and I could stay in bed……however fitfully imagining all the disasters of a teenage driver.

We survived his teenage years, but of course we were often worried. Marc, unlike his sister, did not study as well as he should have. For instance, we worried that he was spending too much time playing Microsoft Flight Simulator, DOOM, and other games on the computer I had recently purchased to work at home. Well, evidently it was not wasted time. We didn't fully appreciate that Marc was developing his computer skills that today are serving him quite well and successfully as Senior Art Director for Demi & Cooper Advertising.

Before I get into making the toast I would like to read a few quotes about marriage;

Sam Levenson, a comedian who many of the older folks will remember, said,
‘Happy marriages begin when we marry the one we love,
and they blossom when we love the one we married’

Anonymous wrote,
“Here's to marriage, that happy estate that resembles a pair of scissors:
‘So joined that they cannot be separated,
often moving in opposite directions, yet punishing
anyone who comes between them.’”

Charles Dickens said a measure of a woman's love for her man, was the lengths to which she was prepared to go to make him happy. If this holds true, then Jennifer, you have reached that goal, for Marc is the happiest I have ever seen him.

And,.finally, if Marc is half as good a husband as he is a son, then you will have left here with a man who epitomizes honour and respect …both for himself and for those he loves.

This is probably the last time I will order either of you to do anything…..Jennifer love my son…..Marc, love my daughter.

Now it gives me immense pleasure, ….not to mention relief, ….to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Marc and Jennifer, …the new Mr and Mrs Battaglia …no less.