Speech by Joe Darwin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Joe Darwin
Speech Date: Aug2005
Good afternoon, I would like to welcome you to the special celebration of Simon & Amouelle's marriage. For those of you that don't know me my name is Joe, for those of you that do, I apologise. I am pleased to say I am Best Man, I am also pleased to say after 20 years of friendship Simon has finally admitted this fact. I know he's always looked up to me. Look, today he's even dressed like me.

The first speech of the afternoon will be delivered by Martin, followed by a speech from Glenn, one from Simon then finally my own. If your all still awake after that then I do believe there is a party to follow, this evening.

But for now I have the pleasure of handing you over to the Bride's Father, Martin.

Thank you Martin. Now ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to invite Glenn to stand up and say a few word's.

Thanks Martin. Ladies and Gentlemen, It's now Simon's turn. So could the second most important man in the room today stand and say a few words.

Looks like it's the moment of truth then.

Now before I begin, the hotel manager has asked me to request that, for reasons of health & safety, none of you get up on the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

If anyone's running a sweep on the length of this speech, I'll have a tenner on 15 minutes

Right on with proceedings.

Ladies & Gentlemen:-

As I have already said, my name is Joe, although I'm sure you'll have a few other names for me after this speech.

However Lanky Idiot is a little obvious.

First of all I would like to say a bit about

being Best Man. I feel the title Best Man say's a bit too much.

The way I see it, is if I'm Best Man, what the hell is Amourelle doing with Simon? So I'll be happy saying I'm a pretty good man and Simon can be Best Man today.

Before I begin the assassination of Simon's character I would like to thank him on behalf of the Bridesmaids for his kind comments, and echo the fact they look wonderful and have performed their role fantastically well, despite the inevitable healthy rivalry that can occur.

I say this as after the service whilst waiting for the photo's to be taken I overheard a furious argument about who was going to be first to dance with the Best Man. Understandable I thought, until I got a little closer and heard them saying “You” “No, You”

Also a big thank you to my assistants the ushers, Phil, Robin & Steven. It was a stipulation that the ushers weren't allowed to look better than the Best Man, and I am pleased to say they accomplished their role admirably – Cheers guy fantastic job!

I have also been reminded, repeatedly by my own wife, Joanne, whatever I do don't forget to mention the Bride! And lets be honest, how could I? Amourelle you look beautiful today and I know you've made my best friend the happiest man alive.

Many of you probably won't know, that in what can be quiet a stressful week for a bride leading up to her big day. Amourelle had her credit card stolen. Simon however, has decided not to report the theft, as whoever nicked it is spending less than Amourelle.

When Simon asked me to be Best Man, I naturally had many questions. What had I done to bestow such an honour? Had someone else refused? Or had all his other

friends left the country? But more importantly could I myself refuse and still get an invite to consume loads of free food and alcohol? It was a risk I was unwilling to take.

Having never been Best Man before, I didn't know really how long my speech should last. General opinion suggests it should take as long as it takes the groom to make love. In which case I've been up here about 5 minutes to long. So thank you and have a good night.

As I said I have never been Best Man before, so I decided as this can be a very tricky role I would do a bit of research. My first port of call was the internet, which bombarded me with a wealth of information. I also came across numerous pictures of Abi Titmuss but that's a story for another time.

Amongst this information were various lists of duties. One duty in particular repeatedly popped up, but left me puzzled. “ensure the Groom's face and hair are in order” Well Simon, if mother nature couldn't get them right first time around what chance did I have?

During my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to ‘sing the Groom's praises and tell you about his many good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I can't sing and I won't lie

Anyway where was I… oh yes Simon James Leyland. Born on 28th august 1980. Many of you probably won't know he shares a birthday with Michael Jackson. Hopefully that's all he does share with Michael Jackson.

I Don't remember meeting Simon for the first time, he just kind of appeared many years ago before I was old enough to have a memory and has been there ever since.

Over the past 20 years we've been great friends and done many things together creating many good memories along the way. In fact, I think so much of Simon I asked him to be my Best Man, before I'd even asked Joanne to marry me! And now he is Godfather to my son Sam. So even though I am stood up here taking the mick out of him at the moment he really is a great bloke and fantastic friend.

Simon has always known what he wanted even from an early age. Now this might just get me in trouble, but at the age of 5, Simon was out with his mum and he decided he wanted some sweeties from the shop they were in. Simon wasn't leaving until he got them. That is until Jackie dislocated his shoulder dragging him out.

Around the age of 14 Simon took up wind-surfing. One summers afternoon simon was busy waxing his board when a colleague of Glen's passed and offered some friendly advise. Simon took the advise and promptly popped round to my Dad's newsagents and asked for a tub of ‘elbow grease’.

Despite this sort of behaviour I have put up with simon for a number of years. Which reminds me :-

When simon was Best Man at my wedding he claimed we discovered alcohol at the age of 16 on holiday in Benidorm. Now when I say discovered I mean got absolutely legless.

However, Simon I put it to you, that one evening at about the age of 15 we found a quality local off-licence that served us two very mature looking young men to purchase 1 2-litre bottle of White Lightning and 1 bottle of 20-20. Which we took round the back of your dad's workshop and necked rather quickly.

Then… well I don't really remember much else apart from being rather I'll the next day, which I believe you were as well.

But ladies and gentlemen Simon wasn't sick due to a hangover no, Simon had food poisoning from a dodgy pie he ate at the Accrington Stanley match we had been to watch the previous afternoon. Well that's what he told his parents anyway. Simon how could you lie to your mother like that. Jackie the guilt has been eating away at me for so long and I could think of no better time to relive myself of the burden. So, sorry but I think it may have been alcohol that made Simon ill that day.

The food poisoning incident never put Simon off the beer and there are too many incidents for me to go into now but I believe Simon once signed a contract never to drink aftershock again.

Then on 28th august 2001 we all had a great celebration as England beat Germany 5-1 oh I mean we celebrated Simon's 21st.

But seriously, simon is the type of person who sets his sights on a goal and nothing will stop him achieving it.

For example the decking in his garden, how could we forget the endless diagrams, plans and magazines we endured. I think we were all as glad as you when it was finally finished simon. He was an exceptional footballer and is in fact a record holder – scoring 7 goals in one game for Ossy St. Mary's F.C. He set his sights on a career in the Fire Service, which he claimed with ease. Although he has spent most of his career on his back with a cruciate ligament injury. Then earlier this year he came back from injury to complete the London Marathon, which is a great achievement in anyone's book.

However his greatest achievement must be meeting Amourelle. Sorry his greatest achievement must be getting Amourelle to agree to marry him.

Simon you have married today a beautiful young woman and I know you will be very happy together.

I would like to say to simon it has been an honour and a privilege being your Best Man and also, say how lucky you are to have married Amourelle. In doing so you have found someone, loving caring, smart and a match for you any day of the week.

And Amourelle you have found.… Well just Simon.

CARDS

If my throat was dry when I started its even drier now, and I can think of no better remedy than to drink, I did also notice Glenn fidgeting in his seat and we all know how he gets when blood gets into his alcohol stream.

So could I ask all of you that still have the capacity to do so to stand for a toast :-

There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. And the great thing is, as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more time speaking with them. So please join me in a very special toast to ..… The Bar Staff.

Seriously, if you could all stay upstanding for just one moment longer.

Simon and Amourelle I am so proud to be your Best Man today it truly has been a great honour. Simon you're a very lucky man because with Amourelle you make a lovely couple. I and all your Friends and Family would love to wish you all the happiness and love for your future together.

So Ladies and Gentlemen a toast to Simon and Amourelle, Mr &Mrs Leyland, The Bride & Groom.

Thank you for listening. Did I win the sweep then.