Speech by John Bryson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John Bryson
Speech Date: sep 2002
I just knew Nick's speech would be a difficult one to follow. And I was
right. I couldn't follow any of it.

ASKING ME TO BE BEST MAN

Nick asked me to be his Best Man when we were rather drunk at a party. I
thought about it for several seconds and then suggested he could find
someone better. Then he offered me £50 and began pleading. "I'm not a man
who can be bought," I replied. Then he offered me £100, and so, good
afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is John and I'm Nick and Hazel's
best man today.

THANK YOU NICK

I'd like to thank Nick for his kind words and gifts. I agree that the
bridesmaids, ushers and pageboys have done a great job, please join me in a
round of applause. (Applause)

I think Hazel looks absolutely fabulous and Nick hasn't scrubbed up too
badly either. And wasn't the ceremony moving? I noticed that even the
wedding cake was in tiers.

So we're all here today to celebrate a love match, pure and simple. Hazel is
pure and Nick is. simple.

10 YEARS, COLLEGE, QUIET AND RESERVED, ANTICS, DONKEYS

I've known Nick for 10 years. We first met when he moved up to Leeds to
study for his degree at the local college. I've always considered him a
quiet, reserved kind of person, but his antics at the Stag Party have
completely changed my opinion of him. I'm sure I can be bribed for the
details later on at the bar. And thanks to Andrew I finally discovered what
the donkeys at Blackpool get for their lunch each day. Half an hour like
everyone else.

INSURANCE CLAIMS NEGOTIATOR, ANAGRAM

Nick works as an Insurance Claims Negotiator, which as we all know is only
one small step up from being a tax man. He's also a huge Star Trek fan. This
means he spends hours of his time watching fearsome pitiless creatures
sapping the life-force of innocent human beings. Then he comes home from
work and puts Star Trek on. Ha ha, only kidding Nick, but it does seem
rather a coincidence that your name is actually an anagram of "Oh no, Hill's
in claims."

EMBARRASSING STORIES

Well, I think it's only fair for Hazel to know exactly what kind of man she
has married.

Fornication… Sorry. For an occasion such as this I'm supposed to tell you
some embarrassing stories about the groom, but I have to admit that Nick
doesn't seem to get himself into many embarrassing situations.

SEWER WATER

I'm not going to mention how he was ill for several months after bailing
what he thought was water out of the flooded cellar at his student house,
only to later discover that the water was actually coming from a cracked
sewer pipe.

STRANGLING

And I certainly can't tell you about the time he strangled a boy at the
school bus-stop and how his poor victim had to be sent home from school with
a headache.

GREEN BOOK

No, to uncover some really juicy secrets I had to delve deep into his past.
This is Nick's "Little Green Book Of Secrets". On the inside of the cover he
‘s written "Nicholas Hill. Secret. Whoever opens this book gets a punch on
the nose." Oh dear, I'm afraid I'd better stop there then.

WHAT AM I?

These are some of Nick's old school books. Here he is describing himself
when he was 13 years old – "I am a shy, forgiving boy who is easily pleased.
I am a bit indecisive. I am truthful always, or most of the time. I don't
particularly like games as I find it far too energetic. I like lazing around
a lot doing absolutely nothing." Things haven't really changed much have
they Hazel?

MY BEST FRIEND, BAKED BEANS

Hmm now this is interesting. "My best friend. My best friend is Steven
Hicks." Is Steven here? (Steven is videoing the speeches) "I play with him
every day. Steven has black hair and I sit next to him in class. Sometimes
we are cross with each other. I went to his birthday party for tea. At his
party we had baked beans." Perhaps this was the start of Nick's fetish for
baked beans. His mother reliably informs me that for several months as a
child, he stubbornly refused to eat anything other than baked beans. When
the family went on holiday to Cornwall, his parents actually had to ring
ahead to ensure that the hotel would have enough baked beans for him to eat!

JAM SANDWICHES, 5, 27, STAG PARTY, QUARTER OF A TON

And that leads me on very nicely to another of his food obsessions. When
Nick was 5 years old he had jam sandwiches every day for his lunch. He's now
27 years old and he still has them every day for his lunch Yes, he even took
some with him to the Stag Party in Blackpool. Ridiculous. Now I did a few
calculations and I've discovered that, over the last 22 years, Nick has
single-handedly consumed more than a quarter of a ton of jam, that's more
than 4 times his own body-weight! Well, I thought, why should today be any
different? Here you go Nick I made you these! (Waitress presents plate of
jam sandwiches)

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES

Seriously though he does have many positive attributes. He's Handsome,
Witty, Intelligent, Charming, Good Looking, Schmee, Schminge.. Sorry Nick
I'm having trouble reading your handwriting.

TELEGRAM

Oh before I finish I have a telegram to read out. "Nick. What a tragic end
to all my dreams. We could have been so good together. Love Gloria Estefan."
(Groom's childhood crush)

TOAST

OK I think that's enough jokes. I'm very very happy for Nick and Hazel and I
know they're going to be very happy together. All that remains is for me to
ask you all to join me in a toast to the lovely couple. Please charge your
glasses.

To love, laughter and happy ever after, Ladies and Gentlemen, Nick & Hazel.