Speech by John Byrne

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John Byrne
Speech Date: sep 2002
Opening

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for that fantastic welcome.

Are you all having a good time? Excellent, I hope that you're all enjoying the day, as much as I was until about 30 seconds ago.

Before I get into this, has anyone been a best man before? Is it just me or is everyone this nervous when they do the speech? Jesus, I'm as nervous as a virgin bride, hey Tracey….…

A wise person once said that when making a public speech, to calm the nerves, imagine the entire audience naked. But it actually is quite distracting and it's making me even more nervous.

Not Rudi right enough, there has was acting all macho when we arrived at the church; "yes, of course she'll turn up", "of course she'll love me forever". So, as he was so assured I went to have a quick chat with the Vicar. When I got back there was no sign of him anywhere. Then I saw him sitting on a wall outside the church and as I got closer I began to hear what he was saying.
There he was "She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me… " (get a
daisy!)

Anyway, I promised Rudi that in the interests of self-preservation I've removed anything that could upset him from this speech……so Thank You very much for the welcome and good evening (sit down).

When Rudi asked me to be his best man I admit I panicked and thought of a thousand ways to say ‘No politely’ and in my haste to pick out the best excuse I just blurted out "Of course I'll do it mate, it'll be an honour".

Now, I've promised Rudi and Tracey that unlike most traditionnal Best Man speeches that are full of sexual innuendo if there is anything slightly risqué I'll whip it out immediately…

So as not to offend Tracey further , I'm going to give her the choice of the speech…(offer her to chose from 3 envelopes – ‘X-rated Version 1,2a’,
‘Upset the family’, ‘Destroy Rudi’)

So Rudi and Tracey, you've finally got married, for better or worse, which is quite appropriate as I'm sure you'll all agree Rudi couldn't have done any better and well Tracey couldn't have done any worse.

I think the first thing I'd like to say is that Tracey looks one in a million today where as Rudi looks, well, won in a raffle.

Now, I'd like to ask Rudi and Tracey to stand up….Tracey if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table….Rudi, if you can out your hand on top of Tracey's
Rudi, make the most of it because it's the last time you'll have the upper hand
Now what are those you ask? Well they're Rudi's pants (get an old pair of boxer shorts with a padlock and chain on them). Tracey has been making him wear these pants for the past 2 years keeping his crown jewels under lock and key. She thought that only one key had been made. BUT rumour has it that copies were made of this key by none other than the Groom himself and he's been giving these out to various young ladies over the past two years without Tracey knowing. Now I know it's not really the place but I feel duty bound to ask, if anyone has one of these keys could we please have them back in now as Rudi is married and completely out of bounds but for Tracey. (Keys come back in from young ladies, then an old auntie and lastly one of the lads – given out earlier).

I don't know for sure why Rudi asked me to be his best man. It might have been because he thought I would be dependable, resourceful if anything went wrong and discrete about his past history. Two out of three Rudi – not bad!

Other duties were to get Rudi here today, on time, sober and looking good, one out of three isn't bad.

It's great to be involved on the happiest day of his life as he was heavily involved in mine. This was when he drove me to Hampden for the 1989 Scottish Cup Final and wee Joe Miller scored the winner against Rangers…but I couldn't understand why Rudi wasn't that upset that day until a few weeks ago I was give this picture of a young Rudi – yes, he was a closet Celtic fan..(bring in the Celtic picture of him in Celtic strip)

On a serious note, I'm sure you'll all agree there is much beauty and elegance around us today, particularly in Tracey and her Bridesmaids (Lorna and Lori), who have really lit up the proceedings. I would like to thank Rudi on behalf of the Bridesmaids and myself for his sentiments a few moments ago.

I would like to propose a toast. Ladies and gentlemen, the Bridesmaids.

Main Section
Rudi

Now, what can I say about the man of the moment? Good footballer, smashing looking fella, generous, good dress sense, honest as the day comes…….(pause, look him in the eye) "Nah"

Rudi was born 6th December 1969. 1969 was a landmark year as:
1st man landed on the moon (mention he's over moon today)
world's first gay pride march (show photo of him getting a massage by a guy in Galway)

I met Rudi 15 years ago in Finefare Supermarket, Hamilton. He was the ‘Dairy
Boy’ and I was the ‘Freezer Boy’ but that's nothing we want to go into… It's fair to say that in those days, Rudi was a bit of a rebel. He spent the whole of his supposed sixth year at school working full time in Finefare while his beloved parents here thought he was at school. It got a bit complicated when his results didn't arrive, so Andy had a brain wave "get your sister to forge them mate will you, if you do you'll be my Best Man at my wedding"…and here we are today….Shortly after we met we started playing football for legendary football club, Cleland Miners. This was a great time for us. Not only were we winning trophies by the barrel load, we also discovered the delights of a night out at ‘The Cleland Miners Club’. Each night we'd have a SURVIVAL kit:

(inc buckfast, boxing gloves, Velcro for the shoes, Joe Baltrami's biz card)

The sign of a good night out!

Not sure if you know this but Rudi is proud of his hair. Yesterday, though, he went to the barber and he charged Rudi £3 more than the guy next to him.
When Rudi asked him why, he said that he'd charged a search fee.

And it is a little known fact that Rudi is considering another career: he's applied for a position as a pilot with Receding Airlines.

Nowadays, selling boots containing the odd stud and strips of all sorts as he does at work, Rudi suddenly decided to give himself a Porn Star name – Sparky Lyttle.
Sparky suits his fiery temperament well, but Lyttle, I guess Tracey will find this out tonight.

STAG WEEKEND

One of my duties was to organise a stag weekend. As you've all heard Sparky Lyttle and 15 other Porn Stars headed to Galway. Unfortunately I cannot say much about it….as Rudi's solicitor has advised caution until the court reconvenes tonight and I can't handle another bailey's and lime shot.

What I can tell you is that it was a great weekend and to celebrate Sparky Lyttle insisted on dressing up to mark the occasion (show pic from stag)…
It was a bit cramped at the hotel, Tiddles Tiddler slept with Dandy Neeson, Tiny Packet slept with Pepsi McIlroy, Toby Anderson slept with Bruno which was all a bit strange as they had separate rooms.

Anyway, the law of the Stag weekend stops me from saying much more. Tracey

Earlier I was talking to Tracey's dad and he says that it doesn't seem all that long ago Tracey was going to bed with a dummy. How history repeats itself.

I'd like to share with you now how Rudi and Tracey met. She was the barmaid in a pub in called ‘The Chase’ in Kirkintilloch where his then football team regularly used to drink after a game.

The first time he went in there, he saw her behind the bar and was so stunned that he couldn't speak to order a beer.

She said: "What's it to be?" Stunned silence.
Then: "Can I help you?" More stunned silence.
And finally: "Can I pour you a beer?"
And at those words he realised that she was the woman of his dreams and fell in love.

For those of you who don't know, Tracey is very musical, being a French Horn
player. Despite not having a French heritage, you can now understand why Rudi has a massive smile on his face today.

Now, I hope Tracey will forgive me for divulging this she rather enjoys spending money. Retail therapy is definitely her thing. Recently, though, her credit card was stolen. Rudi recommended she didn't report it as the thief was spending less than she was.

For those of you who weren't aware, Rudi proposed in March 2000. Imagine the setting, he's flown Tracey to Madrid, they're staying in a 5 star hotel, they get ‘dolled up’, go for a candlelit dinner, they have some expensive wine, they stroll hand in hand to a romantic park in the centre of Madrid.
It's a beautiful night, the stars are out, Rudi's heart is pumping faster than ever before. He finds the ideal spot to say those magical words that will see them live a lifetime together. He takes Tracey's hand, he stares her in the eye, he puts on his most sultry voice and asks Tracey to sit on this large rock, where Tracey says those immortal words "…..For Christ sake Andrew, I can't sit there, I'll get piles…."
You've got to love her.

Now, having spoken to some of Tracey's friends today I have many stories on Tracey but one I've been specifically asked to mention is Tracey's love for her new bunny powered by Duracell. I really can't say much more……

Advice

For any newlyweds, people are always quick to give advice and today is no
different.

As you are both looking lovingly into each other's eyes today but Rudi, in 6
months time when you're looking at your marriage certificate, I can assure
you mate, there's no loop holes in there, believe me!

"Live each day as if it were your last….and each night as if it were your
first"
"Remember those three little words….."You're right dear"

Tracey, please bear in mind that Rudi is an ordinary bloke; he owns 4 pairs
of shoes. Don't expect him to be any good at choosing which of your 35 pairs
would look best with your dress.

Close
Now, when weather forecasters are unsure, they predict that the present
trend will continue. I am certain that Rudi and Tracey's bliss will continue
for a long time.

This is a great occasion, and I know we are all delighted at the happiness
that Rudi and Tracey have found in each other.

Obviously with the amount of abuse going on, Rudi is my best mate and has
been for a long time and I want to say thanks again for that.

Cards & Toasts

Read out of a couple of cards, then:

To Tracey – "We could have been so good together" Love from Brad Pitt
To Rudi – "Sorry I can't be there today, I've got my own Virgin to look
after" Love from Richard Branson

Can I ask you to charge your glasses now as I propose a couple of toasts.

First, to four people without whom today would not have happened: the
Bride's and the Groom's parents. The mums and dads!

And now my final few words to Rudi and Tracey: may your love be modern
enough to survive the times but old fashioned enough to last forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, the new Mr and Mrs Rudolph, the Bride
and Groom!