Speech by John Daniel

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John Daniel
Speech Date: sep 2002
CHATTY ASIDES
[Hold up a piece of paper] Jamie gave me a list of nice things I could say about him in my speech. So let's dispatch these straight away [screw up piece of paper and kick it away]

All the attention that Jamie's been receiving today seems to have gone to his head a bit. Before the ceremony he kept saying to me: "I'm a Celebrity – Get me out of here!"

THE START
Ladies and Gentlemen, Jamie & Lucy, Before I start, I should tell you that this speech comes with its own Government health warning. It contains some shocking revelations and may cause panic to those of a nervous disposition. Also, like the stock market in the current economic climate, Jamie's reputation may go DOWN as well as UP.

I really thought Jamie was the eternal bachelor. So it gives me great pleasure to be here today, and to be Jamie's Best-man. It says a huge amount about Lucy that Jamie has finally made up his mind to make the BIG commitment. Also, Lucy's excellent organisational skills have meant that not only is Jamie here, but he was also punctual, for probably the first time since he was born – and I'm not even sure he was on time for that.

Jamie has been a very good friend of mine for many years. He is extremely good fun and has a well-developed sense of humour, which he seemed to have acquired at an early age – probably from his Dad. An example of this was when we were 7 years old, running around in shorts, at our Junior school. In Mrs Briggs’ 1st year form, somebody had written a rude four-letter word on the blackboard. Mrs Briggs came into the classroom and completely ignored it for the whole lesson.
Right at the end, she asked "who wrote this?" One little boy stuck his hand up . tentatively. "Go and rub it off", she commanded. As he was doing this, another boy stuck up his hand and said "But Miss, I TOLD him to do it". And then Jamie stuck up his hand and said "Yes, but I told him how to SPELL it".

During Junior school, the only other things I can remember were: playing
British Bull Dogs (which turned out to be some sort of brutal but humane
schoolboy-culling experiment), and Jamie winning a prise for having very nice handwriting. But to flesh out the picture a bit further, I have managed to uncover one of Jamie's old school reports, which reads:
"Jamie is an IDEAL pupil who EXCELLED in most subjects."

Looking more closely at the report, I found that Tipex had been used to alter the meaning somewhat. The original had actually said:
"Jamie is an IDLE pupil who should be EXPELLED from most subjects."

At school, you could never say that Jamie's best subject was bible studies, as he still thinks the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

Our teenage years were the times when we really became pals. Picture Ben (a friend of ours) in his proud little Mini 1000 in a dual pitched against myself and Jamie riding in his Datsun 120Y 1171cc. It's a really good thing there wasn't the same amount of traffic in the late 1970’s as there is now. Along a mile-straight road coming back towards a 90 degree bend. Both cars at top speed, side-by-side, locked in mortal combat. Neither car with the power to overtake the other, and neither driver willing to let the other get in front.
At the last possible moment before the 90 degree bend, Jamie blinked first and let Ben's Mini overtake. The feeling of defeat didn't last long. We turned the corner to see that Ben's mini had spun off the road into some bushes – having been unable to navigate the corner at speed. Jamie was laughing so hard he could hardly breath.

There were mistakes, however, and events did not always come out in Jamie's favour. On one night, Jamie had borrowed his Dad's new Landrover. He seriously overcooked a sharp corner, skidded straight through a hedge and ended with the front wheels, spinning in midair, dangling over a HUGE drop. It took a van, and most of the locals in a nearby pub, to rescue the stricken Landrover.

And then there was the three-car Saturday evening Home to Queen's Head race. Bystanders would be forgiven for thinking the final stage of the hotly contested RAC rally was underway. Each contestant did not need the luxury of a co-driver shouting road layout instructions: "sharp-left corner-30, straight for half a mile-70, curve right-55". We all new each nuance of the road: 85, 85, 85.

One of the challenges of late teenage life was the disco phenomenon. It was the late 1970’s after all. On the one hand, in order to ask a girl to dance, we needed to drink enough beer to disolve all inhibitions and feelings of self-consciousness (which are so raw and tender at that age). In diametric opposition to this, we had to co-ordinate the limbs sufficiently not to look like complete idiots on the dance floor and certainly not to collapse. How can I say, we all got this fine balance wrong on most occasions, and Jamie was no exception. His favourite position as the end of a long evening was spread eagled in front of the fire . comatose & snoring loudly, which really scared our poor dog.

After going to agricultural college, Jamie returned home to the farm. I asked one of the farm workers what Jamie was like to work with. He was quick to tell me that Jamie is known as ‘God’ at work. This holy & rather saintly epithet surprised me somewhat, until he added that Jamie's nickname arises because:
• You never see him
• He makes his own rules
• If he does any work it's a damned miracle

All through Jamie's both formative and adult years his passion was always his shooting. As I'm sure you know that Jamie is an extremely good shot and has been very successful with this second career – not only with running his own shoot but also as a top competitor in open contests. I'm quite surprised that we haven't eaten game tonight – although, I'm told, clay pigeon au vin is a little bit crunchy.

If Jamie wasn't a farmer, I'm sure he would have donned a black suit, black tie, & sunglasses and tried to become, no not a city trader, but one of the Men IN Black. Sporting the most massive intergalactic anti-alien mega-blaster.
Defending us from all those alien life forms that would rather like to party-on on planet Earth. Jamie. Now this dream can come true. I have spoken to my friend agent Zed at the MIB bureau, and, surprise surprise, he has issued you with your very own anti-alien intergalactic mega-blaster.

Here it is. Instead of shooting clays, you can now take on the most evil snake-like Kylothian monsters or even a few Brussels bureaucrats if you prefer. Now you try it out for size.

Lucy, may I say that you look absolutely radiant today. I understand you met Jamie at a banger-racing event in 1994. Then, afterwards at the Summer Barbecue, you needed small bail barley straw (presumably for your horses) and you were introduced to Jamie, who happened to have a whole barn of the stuff.
And for the last 8 years you, Jamie and your horses have never looked back.

ADVICE SECTION
As best man, it is my duty to pass on some sage advice about wedded life.
Firstly, for you Lucy. As I'm sure you're aware, men are like a fine wine. They start out as young grapes, and it is your job to pick them & then trample on them until they mature into something that you'd rather like to have dinner with. Since you have been together for some time now, I imagine Jamie is already maturing into a very nice vintage. But I've not seen any evidence of it yet. So, for the sake of us all, please keep TRYING.

Jamie, if you aspire to become the perfect husband, I understand the local college run a number of evening classes, which maybe of interest to you.

I have the course prospectuses here, and one is entitled:
Modern House-Husbandry for Dummies, which:
Starts with a role play on how to remember birthdays & anniversaries,
and to remember to phone when you're going to be late.
The class also includes the following: how to clean up after finishing
a messy job: step-by-step examples
Whether or not toilet rolls grow on their holders: round-table
discussion
Fundamental differences between the laundry basket and the floor: slide
presentation
How to find things calmly, rather than turning the house up-side down
in a headless-chicken frenzy: open forum

Another course which caught my eye is called Karma in the Car. It
includes the following modules:
How not to pass comment on your wife's driving ability during a near-
miss situation: meditation & breathing techniques
How to admit you are lost and ask for directions: real-life
testimonials.
Whether or not it is genetically impossible to sit quietly as she
parallel parks: group discussion
And Finally a multi-tasking lab on how to navigate roundabouts while
simultaneously changing the CD and phoning for a Chinese takeaway.

At this point I would like to ask Jamie & Lucy to participate in this speech.
Lucy if I can ask you to place your right hand flat on the table. Now Jamie,
place your left hand directly on top of Lucy's. Jamie, take a deep breath and
enjoy the moment. This is the last time that you will ever have the upper hand.

TELEGRAMS HERE
"To a loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.
Will you be renewing your subscription?" This comes from . ah-hem . Big &
Bouncy magazine.

THE DISPATCH
Finally it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand for a toast.
I know everyone here today would like to wish Jamie & Lucy good health,
happiness and a wonderful life together.