Speech by John Lockett

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John Lockett
Speech Date: May2007
INTRODUCTION
Firstly I`d just like to say I'm very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the fifth time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
When Steve asked me to be Best Man, I did quite honestly feel very honoured.
I did however say to him that I felt that the role may be better suited to one of the other guys.
A couple of days later, Steve phoned me and admitted that I was in fact the best of a bad bunch – and then he offered me the job!
I was understandably a little offended at this and I told him that I was certainly not a man that could be bought. The conversation then became heated to say the least.
He then offered to pay for my suit hire, and here I am.
So ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon. My name ‘John what-would-you-like-to-drink’. I hope many of you will come and say hello at the bar later – but I do insist you use my full name. And it is my pleasure to be Best Man for Steve today.
Next, on behalf of the Bridesmaid, Jemima – you look wonderful and have done an excellent job today. Thank you.
And thanks and well done to Bradley today for giving away the bride
So Steve and Jane you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Steve couldn't have done any better and Jane couldn't have done any worse.

: The Seating Plan’

You will probably not be aware that Steve and Jane had great trouble over the seating plan. Fortunately, Steve gave the room layout some serious thought and took the weight of the decision away from Jane as any supportive partner should do.
What Jane doesn't know is that Steve decided the seating should be according to the cost of your present, so the more expensive you're present, the closer the person would be seated to the front.
So I hope you at the back heard Steve when he thanked you for the tea spoons!
During my research on the internet into best mans role I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: –
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter – the place where two become one
The Hymn – the celebration of marriage
I think Jane must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I'm sure I heard her whispering to herself, Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn, I'll alter him etc…
As you have found out by now, a best man's speech involves a collection of amusing stories. Although there are a couple of things that are really not supposed to be mentioned at weddings, but I shall mention them anyway: -First of all, Steve's drink problem – well the main problem is that he can't handle his drink. Mind you his new wife will be able to give him some good training.
And secondly, Steve's ex-girlfriends – I was warned about the potentially delicate duty of keeping Steve's Ex's at bay today. But fortunately Foot and Mouth got rid of most of them four years ago so no worries there
I never thought that Steve would ever marry but at 43 here he is, I remember a few years ago he said &quotthat he would never marry&quot, but if he did, “he would like to marry a woman with small feet&quot.
&quotWhy small feet?&quot I asked.
“So she can get closer to the sink&quot he answered.
I have managed to obtain some of Steve's old school reports and some comments from his work colleagues, they all tell a story:

Steve was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects’.
Sorry that should be, Steve was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.’

Geography
groom is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.
Biology
whilst groom is often very enthusiastic, he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.
Religious Education
groom's understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.
On leaving school Steve's teenage years can be defined as several years of drinking, throwing up, and sleeping in the toilet cuddling up to the bowl…something he still hasn't grown out of yet.

Now Steve is a hard working young man and his boss made these comments:
‘Working with groom is like working with God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.’
WORDS OF WISDOM
Now, coming towards the end of my speech, it is customary for me to offer the happy couple some words of wisdom. So…
To Jane…
Remember that men are like a fine wine…
They start out like grapes…
And it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.
To Steve…
By coincidence, women too are like a fine wine…
They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind…
And then they turn full bodied with age, and eventually give you a splitting headache!
TELEGRAMS
While everyone's still awake I'd like to read some of the cards and telegrams which Steve and Jane have received from Family and Friends:

Read close Family cards –

Funnies
So now we just have a couple of Telegrams that have arrived…

To Steve we could have been so good together I will miss our nights by the pool – lots of love, Michael Barrymore.
Dear Steve, congratulations on getting married, and also on winning our big spender of the month award! Lots of love from the dancers at Angels pole dancing Club in Liverpool.
To Steve and Jane , hope you have a wonderful day, sorry we can't be there lots of love Mr &amp Mrs Farkin ….and the whole Farkin family

Advice

Before I finish, I would like to give Steve some advice on what people thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage so here are a few.

Turn and look at &ltgroom&gt

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish whose boss…and then do everything Jane says!

Secondly, never be afraid that Jane will leave you – she's spent time training you, she's not going to throw that away lightly!

Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words every day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”

Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it
…
Whenever you're right, just “SAY nothing!”

As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married
CLOSING
On a serious note for a moment…

We all hope you have a wonderful time on your honeymoon in North Wales, at least that's where I think Steve said they were going, he just said he was going to Bangor for a week.
Steve, we've had some excellent times together over the years, and I know we will continue to do so in the future.
You have been a fantastic friend to me…much better than the other lads…and it really is a great honour to be your Best Man today.
I wish you and Jane every happiness for the future…
TOAST
And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, could I ask you to stand with me, and raise your glasses in a toast to Steve and Jane, the new Mr &amp Mrs Ratcliffe.
We wish you well for the future.
To Steve and Jane.
And now it`s good night and God bless from me.