Speech by John Lyle

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John Lyle
Speech Date: Oct2004
As best men, we have a duty to stand up and say a few words about the happy couple. As we¹re not allowed to do a formal speech today, we are just going to elongate the toasts slightly.

For those of you who don¹t know us, let us introduce ourselves.

I¹m John

And I¹m Mich

We have had the pleasure of being friends and working with Darren for over
15 years.

As these are only toasts, we would like to tell you what we are NOT going to cover today as the list is a little long. These are under strict instructions of the bride and groom to save any embarrassment on this, their special day.

So, we are not going to talk aboutŠ

Plate glass windows
Letterboxes
Design agency dustbins
Fire extinguishers
Falling asleep
Buying cars
Losing keys
Buying jeans
Roxette
His top 3
Splinters
The marvelous song by Abba entitled ŒSuper Trooper¹ (cue whistling from stag
members)
Margaret Thatcher
Hanging signs
Dinosaur penises
And finally seaside donkeys (I thought Debbie said that would be okay etc.)

Moving on to what we are allowed to talk about, many of you will know that Darren has a bit of a chequered history when it comes to previous live in lovers and we need to draw a line under this from this day forward.

So would all of you in the room that have a key to Darren and Debbie¹s house and Darren¹s private closet please come forward now and return the keys.

As best men we have a few specific jobs to do today, this being one of them, and an earlier one being to make sure Darren got here on time and in decent form, sober and smart – it was my responsibility to make sure his face and hair were in order. We think that this duty is quite unfair, and have frankly just tried to do the best we could, given what we had to work with.

Saying that though, at least his hair today is a considerable improvement on some of the styles that he has sported over the years, which include a rather greasy pony tail and an impeccable Spandau Ballet bob.

Another duty is to make sure that certain people are thanked for their part in today, so we¹d like to take some time to thank a couple of people who on the face of it have a fairly easy day ­ they have to cope with all the difficulties of standing around pouting and looking smart, they¹ve spent a lot of time on their hair and their outfits, and without them the day just wouldn¹t be the same. So thanks to Jamie for giving Debbie away. (we hope you got a fair price) and to Harvey for being more trusted than us with the rings.

So the first toast is to James and Harvey. (raise glasses ­ James and
Harvey)

Moving on, we¹d like to mention Darren¹s good points. Darren is intelligent, caring, trusting and good lookŠlookŠ (look at Darren) ³I¹m really sorry Darren, I just can¹t read your handwriting²

For years, Darren has denied the fact that he is a Brummy. So for those of you who didn¹t know the shocking truth, it is our duty to share this information with you for the good of all of who will come into contact with him in the future.

(alright mate)

On the subject of being a Brummy, one of Darren¹s strongest traits is his loyalty, he is a Birmingham City fan after all. A team that has done nothing except disappoint him and betray his hopes and dreams for the past 39 years.
If that is anything to go by Debbie doesn't have to make any effort for the next 39 years, she can make him miserable, break all her wedding vows and generally walk all over himŠŠand he'll still feel that things will turn around come August.

When we first met Debbie our impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person. But she soon ruined this by agreeing to marry Darren.

Speaking of Debbie, we would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress Š Darren likes it too as he thinks it goes really well with the rest of the kitchen.

When we were looking into the etiquette of weddings, we thought we better do some background reading about the protocol. We read a book that stated that there are three key elements to a successful wedding day. They are as
follows:

The Aisle – The longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – The place where two become one.
The Hymn – The celebration of the marriage.

We think Debbie must have read the same book, because after taking the vows earlier today, we¹re pretty sure we heard her mumbling those same three things.

(together)- – – Aisle Altar Hymn.

Seriously though, it is traditional for the best man to slate the groom in this speech, but in Darren¹s case this has been difficult as he really is a fine person who has always been loyal and supportive to his friends and family. We know that in Debbie he has found his life partner and we know they will be truly happy together.

Darren, you have pulled a blinder in marrying Debbie. You have found someone who is Beautiful, Smart , Funny , Loving and caring and a match for you any day of the week.
Debbie you have foundŠŠŠ..Well you found Darren.

On behalf of all of us in this room we would also like to take this opportunity to thank everyone at Harts for their hospitality and Darren and Debbie for paying for it all. Darren would also like to thank all of us, in advance, for how well we¹re going to treat him in the future now he is a married man.

We¹d also like to thank all of you for being here today to share their special day.

So, finally (get a glass in your hand):

Here's to love, laughter
And happily ever after.
As Darren and Debbie start their new life Please stand and toast the new husband and wife

(together) Ladies and gentlemenŠŠDarren and Debbie

Oh and we have a few telegrams to read out.

1. It¹s from Darren¹s Auntie Maud who can¹t be with us today as she is 111.

Oh no she can¹t be here because she¹s ill.

2. ³To Darren, a loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride. P.S. Will you be renewing your subscription? Regards, Big & Bouncy magazine.²