Speech by John O’Looney

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John O’Looney
Speech Date: 02/10/2010 00:50:46

Ladies Gentlemen girls and boys – We have arrived at that point in the day where we must rise from the comfort of our chairs and make fools out of ourselves, well some of us anyway!

I however will try and postpone mine for as long as possible and hand you over to Dan to say a few words……………………………..

Dan

Good afternoon Ladies and gentleman, girls and boys, I hope everyone is enjoying this very special day so far. It's been an emotional day, ……..even the cake is in tiers.

For those of you who don't know me, I am Dan's mate , John. I've known him for about 15 years after he rang me and asked for some advice about cross dressing.

I told him he had got the wrong number but felt sorry for him and lent him some of my tights,,,,,,,,,,,, and kept in touch =0)

And 15 years on I have the honour of being his best man today.

In fact he's said if I do a good job I can do the next one as well.

Now, It is a great honour, but in all honesty I am actually a little bit nervous doing this.

I do however  feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old people's home. 

I think it went well,..… apparently they all pissed themselves anyway.

I would like to start by thanking our lovely bridesmaids

I'm sure you will agree they have all  carried out their roles superbly and look magnificent, and beautiful…………….… to  the  bridesmaids…..!!!! / Page Boys

I would also like to thank the ushers…… if only for turning up sober.

I think you will also agree Amanda  looks one in a million today…as opposed to Dan who looks like he was won in a raffle.             To the bride!!!!

On behalf of the bridesmaids and myself, I'd like to thank Dan and Amanda for asking us to be involved in their unique and special day. I know they've both put a tremendous amount of effort in to the planning of this wedding, especially Amanda, and I can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything else will have exceeded their expectations.

I can only say in my defence that DAN and I share a common sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame DAN.”

I'd also like to congratulate Dan on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

When Dan asked me to be Best Man, I did quite honestly feel very honoured.
I did however say to him that I felt that the role may be better suited to one of the other lads Like Tim or Shaun or Scott.

But he said to me “no mate they are idiots”………………, and so I was lumbered….

Actually when Dan asked me to be best man my first thought was

“bloody hell I need to make a speech. What am I going to talk about?”

Or rather NOT talk about bearing in mind it is a family occasion.

I can't say anything about the numerous illegal activities, or mention the endless sexual conquests, some even female, or anything about Annie the blow up doll or the goat with the wig and lipstick on either….

In fact after eliminating all of the things I CAN'T mention I'd like to finish there, thank you all for coming and I do hope you enjoy the rest of the day…

Now During the service today I couldn't help thinking it's funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 30 odd years ago Susan was sending her daughter to bed with a dummy………and look !  It's happening all over again today.

In fact Susan said to me that as a baby, Amanda was never as happy as when she had her dummy with her………I think we can all see a pattern forming

I wouldn't say DAN was an ugly baby, but Tina only had morning sickness after he was born.

He was also a slow starter as well, at playschool he was different from the other 5 year olds……… he was 11

In fact I have managed to obtain some of Dan's old school reports and some comments from his work colleagues, they all tell a story:

Dan is an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects, we are glad he is here.

Oh NO no ..… I am Sorry,   that should read –

Dan is an idle pupil who is expelled from most subjects, we are sad he is here.

In fact his Colleague John Baker has started calling him GOD at work because though he's heard of him, he never see's him, ….and if he ever does any work it's a miracle..… nailing him down being the only way to keep him at his desk.

Now as regards his work, many of you know Dan often has to work away, well what many of you WONT know is that Amanda makes Dan wear chastity boxer shorts every time he is away.

Now I have heard stories about the copies of the key to these shorts and I would ask who ever has a copy of this key to please return them now.

(ladies)  (Susan, both sisters and ideally an old lady)

Come on ladies I know there's more keys out there !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Nat then hands over key)……………………..… Glare @ DAN

Dan, like all good friends, has taught me many fine qualities and lessons in life, things I can honestly say I've learned from Dan include………….

“it is better to give than to receive”  and how to “multi task”,  For example….

We were walking home from the city centre one night after we had both had a good skin full and Dan was the worse for wear, so bad in fact he collapsed in a heap on the Redway and refused to move about half a mile from home.

I tried to pick him up for about 10 minutes, I tried to drag him and pleaded with him to get up but he was insistent and semi conscious to the stage where he thrashed about groaning every time I tried to pick him up. People started walking past laughing.

Now It was 2.30am, we were drunk, there were a lot of people milling about, mainly groups of drunken lads swaggering past and it was obviously not a good or safe place to sleep in the middle of a path and I couldn't leave him there asleep. I wondered what to do to get him home as I was also bursting for a pee.

So he left me with no option but to do what any true friend would do to wake him up and get him on his feet.

Despite several clear warnings   I had good wee and he was up like a gazelle and chased me all the way home.   Job done.

Multi tasking at its finest……………..… Friendship at its pinnacle and I learned from him that night.  It certainly IS……….”better to give then to receive”.

Now as an undertaker I can tell you more than most, in the greater scheme of things, we really are all only here for the blink of an eye……

Dan is here as the groom but in my opinion, he's the best man, not me.

He's a kind, generous friend who cannot do enough for those he cares about.

He really is one of, if not the most, genuine, honest, likeable guys I've ever met. I've seen him at his lowest ebb and he's seen me at mine.

He's always been there for me and I've always been there for him without hesitation and we have had some fantastic times along the way.

I've watched his babies grow….and shortly, god willing, he will be watching mine……….  or I will, at the very least be claiming a decent maintenance payment.

I also feel very VERY privileged…… because some people go thru life never having as good a friend as Dan is to me and its honestly been a pleasure knowing him.

But he still stinks of wee if you get downwind now and then

TELEGRAMS

I now have a couple of telegrams to read to finish on from a few people who couldn't be here……..

To Dan and Amanda , hope you have a wonderful day, sorry we can't be there lots of love Charles Farkin, Mary Farkin ….and the whole Farkin family

To Dan we could have been so good together I will miss our nights by the pool – lots of love, Michael Barrymore.

To  Dan congratulations on getting married, and also on winning our big spender of the month award!

See you Friday, from  Big Jimmy at  “The lucky Swallow” pole dancing Club in kings cross

thank you for listening and

Will you now raise your glasses ………………..TO MR and MRS KELLETT