Speech by John Patterson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John Patterson
Speech Date: oct 2003
As Henry the 8th said to each of his wives, I won't keep you long. A best
man speech should be like a mini skirt, short enough to be interesting, but
long enough to cover the essentials

Im a little bit nervous. I was talking to Dave earlier about this and he
told me to imagine all of you naked (scanned around crowd and found the
grooms mother and rubbed my knees and said "Helloooooo Miss. Clarke).

First of all, I would like to congratulate David and Mandy on their wedding.
I think you'll all agree that Mandy looks beautiful, and Dave doesn't
scrub up too bad either. The bridesmaids also look gorgeous and have done a
wonderful job

When Dave told me that he and Mandy planned to get married he admitted he
had a few concerns. "What about all of the winging and moaning" he said
I replied "Mandy will just have to get used to it"

By the way – isn't it funny how history repeats itself? 28 years ago
Mandys's mum was putting her to bed with a dummy – and now it's happening
all over again!

Mandy, just incase your doubting your decision to marry Dave, I thought I ‘d
try and explain what David will bring to the marriage

Security , trust, happiness, good looks, strong physique, intelligence –
sorry dave, can't read what you've written there.

When I was preparing this speech, I did some research and came across an old
book with many different definitions regarding marriage; I'd like to read
you a few.
The aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The altar – the place where two become one
The hymn – the celebration of the marriage
I'm sure that Mandy must have read the same book, because as she walked past
us today , I'm sure I heard her whispering "Aisle, Altar, Hymn, Aisle,
Altar, Hymn".

I First met Dave about 13 years ago, when he was a barrow boy in a Fruit
Shop. Its his own Business now, and was originally run by his Mam before
passing to David to run. When I was 14, I asked David if I could help out
as a Saturday lad. As there was no such thing as the minimum wage then (or
so he told me), and there wasn't millions of Kosovans in the region who
would work for even less. David hired me to work on a Saturday between 9 –
5 for £12 per day. 1.50 per hour.…

Im not trying to say that David is tight, but once you have eaten your meal,
if you can wipe you cutlery with your napkins it'll be much appreciated, and
cheaper to wash. And for your drinks, if you take your glass back to refill
at the bar then he'll save a fortune on glass collectors.

You don't believe me, where do you think all the Ivy came from today. I'll
let you in on a secret, David spent last night at the back of his fruit-shop
cutting Ivy off the roof to use in the bouquets and in the decorations !!!!!
Saved him a fortune..

Clarkie has asked me to be quick as he cant afford the magicians hourly
rate. Although he has said that Lee can entertain the kids for a while if
the speeches go on too long. Anyone that was on the stag do can vouch that
lee can entertain for a while, I'm surprised he's not in there now trying to
work out the "magic" behind the tricks. Actually, Lee probably knows more
than the magician

So how did he become a policeman. Well I have my own theory on that.
Apparently, in the words of Columbo, to catch a criminal you have to think
like a criminal. That explains quite a lot with Dave. He must be one of
the top coppers on the books if that theory is correct cos he didn't just
think like a criminal, he actually was a bit of one.…

Actually, before I go on, can any of his current employees please refrain
form mentioning any of this at his next review.…

Fraud – theft- just to name a couple

One little tale I want to tell goes back to the fruit shop days. At XMAS
time, David and Mandy would attempt to cash in on the wreath market by
taking literally hundreds of orders from customers for wreaths. These would
be priced anwhere from £7 to £20 so you can imagine it was quite a money
maker, bringing in hundreds of pounds in profit.

Anyone that doesn't know how to make a wreath, you have a metal circular
frame, which you fill with moss, (which was quite cheap). On top of the
moss, you put holly. Which is quite expensive. Your talking £20 for a
small bag, of which you need about 20-30 bags to do all of the wreaths.
Obvioulsy this in not the cheapest in the world. But Ebeneezer Clarke had
a scam up his sleeve. There is a park quite local full of holly bushes.
All he needed was an innocent looking boy to go to the park and fill bin bag
after bin bag full of holly so that his local church could have a good
Christmas display. I spent weeks in the park up to Xmas and earned my £12
per day as David raked in the hundreds. Showed signs of a good cop here, as
it wasn't him getting his fingers dirty

Another scam he had, which again he got other employees to do, was in
relation to buying onions. Basically what you would do would order say 10
bags of onions at £2.50 a bag. Upon collecting the bags he would make sure
that other bags were slipped into the van between the 10, so when collecting
10 bags you'd really get 15, collecting 20 youd get 30. All little scams
eh…

Now the fraud aspect is another story, when I was a fresh faced 17 year old
I had difficulty getting in to bars and clubs, much like David does now.
Anyway, Clarkie and I were planning a night out but were worried if I would
get in to the nightclubs. I obviously had no ID to prove I was over 18 so
Dave come up with a fake ID scam. Basically he produced an old 1 yr
passport of his, put my photo on it, and created a false stamp so it looked
authentic. Such an upstanding citizen with passport fraud against him.
David, just so that little incident causes no further problems. As a
present from me, here is your old passport back. (absolute uproar and
screams of laughter)

I'm nearly finished now. I think another tradition that should be upheld, is
for the best man to offer the newlyweds some advice on marriage.

First of all – Never go to bed angry – always stay up and fight.
Secondly – There are three words you must never forget, ‘You're right dear’.
Thirdly – The most effective way to remember your anniversary is to forget
it once.

And finally, remember that a man is incomplete until he is married, after
that he's finished.

Dave, you have pulled a winner in marrying Mandy. You have found someone who
is beautiful, well mannered, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring.
Mandy you have found… well you have found Dave.

Now I will hand you over to Carl, who will continue this speech and bring
you up to date with London life, but just before I do so, if I could be
serious just for a moment. One thing I have been told is that you don't
marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you can't live without.
And this is obviously true for David and Mandy. I know that your going to
have a fantastic life together. Enjoy the rest of your day and have a
fabulous honey moon. So without further ado, would you all please be
upstanding and join me in a toast to "David and Mandy".

All be upstanding and toast to the bride and groom – David and Mandy