Speech by John Stafford

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John Stafford
Speech Date: jan 2003
Whew!!! This isn't scary or anything is it??
Ladies and gentlemen, for those who don't know me, I'm John… And I've been bestowed with the fantastic job – sideward glance at Jim – to be Jim's (or James if you're on the grooms side) best man.
Before I go on I'd like to thank Jim and Lou on behalf of the bridesmaids for their presents and Jim's kind words and add my bit that they have been amazing and look great, thanks.
Back to the job in hand, embarrassing Jim, now this is where the dilemma starts. It's not that I haven't got any stories to tell, in fact I've got buckets full, it's because A: most are not really suitable for the dinner table and B: Jim is going to be my best man and also has too much dirt on me!!
Our friendship started about 12 years ago at the Royal Navy Reserves. It didn't get off to a great start, after we had all introduced ourselves we were sitting with Jim thinking “Mincer” and me thinking “Loud mouthed Jock”. But hey, first impressions can be deceptive and I'm pleased to say we got past them and have been best friends since.
One of the perks of being Jim's friend is that I could get away with murder with my parents – look over to my parents. For example, we had been out in town having a quiet shandy and discussing politics!!! On returning to the Brandling Villa (Tricia's old pub) where we were supposedly staying, we found we couldn't get in as Tricia had fallen asleep on the couch. Try as we might we couldn't wake her (trying to kick the fire escape in, phoning etc) we must have looked like a couple of freezing alkies desperate for a drink!! (look at Tricia) So it was plan B: It's 3.30 lets go to my parents! After climbing the fence and knocking on their window, we were standing by the front door, it opened and a hand shot out to grab my throat!! I just managed a “Jim's with me” squawk. With that we were welcomed in, with my mam getting up to cook Jim some supper.
In fact my mam loved telling everyone the problems she had getting a sailor out bed on a morning!! But she found the trick was a fried breakfast.
Another good thing of our friendship is that at times we went long periods of not seeing each other, Jim away with the Navy, me traveling, but each time we could just continue on from where we left off as if we had only seen each other a couple of days earlier. It was during one of these absences with the Mob that Jim met Louise and he wheedled his way into her affections with lifts home from down south. Spending so much time with Jim in the combined space of a car must have addled Lou's brain, it could have been the Irn Bru fumes, who knows? And they started going out and I'm delighted to say that they've made the distance to be here today. And can I just say how gorgeous Lou looks? <pause> Then again hasn't Jim scrubbed up well as well? It would appear that the kilt is preparing him for his new life of not being able to wear the trousers in the relationship!
On a serious note, not only am I here to abuse Jim, but also to wish Jim and Louise the very best for their married life together. George Nathan once said.… Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw in his job and go to work in the brewery – So to Jim < open hand to Jim > and Carling Black Label < open hand to Lou > can I say thank you for allowing us all to share in this special day to celebrate the joining of your lives and love, thanks for the privilege of my role of Best Man, and a great thank you to Jim for being such a blinding best mate.

Before I offer the toast (and pass out) may I read out a few cards? And offer special messages.

read cards etc
Finally.… May I ask you all to be upstanding for the toast < wait for all to stand with glasses > Jim….Louise… May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever. To the bride and groom's future happiness…

To Mr and Mrs Kirkland….Jim and Louise.

Thank You and please enjoy the rest of the day.