Speech by John Taylor

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John Taylor
Speech Date: Sep2004
Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who don't know the sweaty, nervous one is, with a look as if his life was about to end, well that was Iain and I'm John his best man.

Firstly I'd like to thank you all for joining us to celebrate the wedding of Ian and Kerry. It's been a great day so far and the hotel has done the happy couple proud. I'm sure you'll all agree that Kerry and her bridesmaid Wendy both look lovely, and Ian, he doesn't scrub up to bad either.

Unfortunately every silver lining has a cloud – so now you've got to listen to me.

I'll warn you all before hand that I'm not an experienced public speaker, and despite some people's opinion that I like the sound of my own voice, this is going to be short and sweet.

When Ian asked me to be his best man, we were clubbing in sea nightclub, I'll admit, I panicked. I was thinking of a hundred ways to say “NO” politely but in my haste to pick out the best one, I just blurted out “Of course I'll do it mate, it'll be an honour”.
To be fair, I'm very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured best man tradition I'll now try and give Ian the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life. Which to be fair is only what he gives Kerry, every time they go to bed.

Over the last 20 or so years I have known Ian, he has been through some period's of his life were he has been on the occasional high and at other times he has been at a real low, even shedding some tears, there has been some major disappointments and frustrations with the occasional celebration, but what do you expect when you support Newcastle United

Unfortunately, or fortunately depends on what way you look at it, I wasn't in Ian's year at Boldon school, so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his education.

So here goes,

Ian said he was an exceptionally gifted student at school and he excelled in everything he did be it sports, academics or the arts. He left school to the great sadness of his headmaster and successfully attended University where he reliably informs me he received a first class honours degree in rocket science. Well does that sound like the Ian we all know I doubt it.

A lot of you will remember that Ian was best man when Neil his brother got married to Denise. A part of Ian's speech was to give out some words of wisdom about contraception on how Neil should off used it more often. Well, we all no Iain and Kerry have a gorgeous and cute baby boy in Jordan, but with Ian willingly giving out this advice maybe its about time he adhered to some of his own, So, Ian, here is just a little something to help you remember what was said that day. (Pass Ian a load of condoms)

I think most of us who know Ian when he gets the chance to have a few beers he likes to go a bit over board and on occasions and get absolutely mortal drunk. Well there have been more than a few occasions I can remember, which have lead to him falling asleep on the John Reid road round about, doing a superman impression into some garden bushes and managing to rip him self to shreds and then there was the infamous time when he worked at boulevards and managed to steal and drink a full bottle of Malibu behind the bar, got that drunk, went on a wonder and ended up falling 20ft down the stairs, surviving I still don't know how.

Not only does Ian like to have a good drink, he also likes to take a good beating once in a while, which over the years have all been handed out by his younger brother Neil, I know Ian will argue this but, I know who my money is on when some one is chasing after you with a golf club. I'm just glad he didn't pick on me.

Stag do

I'm just quickly going to mention the stag do we had. I think most of you were aware we went to Nottingham, and it's probably safe to say the weekend was a success. Although there were a few tears nearly shed by Ian when a few of the lads turned up with cases of lager to drink on the journey, but he managed to hold them back, so apart from that and a few bruises here and there all in all it was a great weekend. Just one last thing to mention, when you spend some time with people there's always stuff happening our you find out peoples habits etc, so I've decided to buy a few things which resemble a few of the lads which attended the weekend. So if anyone wants to come and collect there gift so to speak feel free to come up and if you want to explain that's up to you. So in the bag we have: Get stuff out of the bag!!!!!!!!

Right before I finish I'd like to ask Ian and Kerry to participate in the last part of my speech, so Kerry if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table, palm down. Right, Ian, if you would put your hand directly on top of Kerry's, yes, just like that. There we go, now Ian, I want you to make the most of this moment, it's the last time you'll have the upper hand…

Read out the cards.

I can tell that every one is having a great day here today. And this is mainly due to the weeks and months of planning by Kerry with a little help from her Mam and graham, and also Ian's Mam and dad, Marian and Dave. I think you will all agree up to now the day has been quite an emotional event, even the cake is in tiers.

(Toast)

On behalf of the bride and groom—- I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, —– Particularly those of you who have stayed sober for the occasion!

I would now like to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Ian and Kerry——- Mr and Mrs Mason no less.

We wish them well in the future——-and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.