Speech by John Warrington

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John Warrington
Speech Date: Aug2004
John –

I am sure you will agree that this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding celebration so far.
Unfortunately every silver lining has a
cloud……………..and so here we are.

We are only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat. If I go on too long, Rachel has threatened to cut it.
But, even so, we agreed to be Dan's best men. And so far we've managed to get him to the church on time, which is unusual for him. He also arrived relatively sober, which is a major achievement. And he was also looking very smart, which is absolutely unheard of.

Ed –
Well, it is said that being asked to be the best man is much like being asked to make love to Margaret Thatcher, it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it……….and some of you may have been wondering — if you're still sober — why there are two best men. If you've been hitting the booze hard, no, you're not seeing double, Dan chose both of us to be best men. I just hope that by the end of the speech, he isn't regretting his choice………….too much.
I would like to start on behalf of the bridesmaids, by thanking Dan for his kind words. I am sure you will all agree that both the bridesmaids look wonderful and that they have done an excellent job today.
(wait for applause)

John –
What can I say about Dan ?
He's :
HANDSOME
WITTY
CHARISMATIC
INTELLIGENT
THOUGHTFUL
SORRY ……..WRONG WEDDING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll start that bit again…….what can I say about Dan?
Obviously I've known him since the day he was born.
I WATCHED HIM DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE
I'VE SEEN HIM STAGGER AROUND NAKED
I'VE SEEN HIM CRAWL
I'VE DRESSED HIM………….UNDRESSED HIM
CLEARED UP AFTER HIM
I'VE HELPED HIM WALK
And all that on his stag do last week!!

Ed –
I, on the other hand, obviously never knew Dan when he was a young lad, so I have had to do a little research in order to write this speech.
Dan tells me that as a youngster he was exceptionally gifted, a very popular student and he excelled in everything he did, be it sports, academic pursuits or the arts.

This seems to be slightly contradicted by reports I've heard from his brother John here. He tells me that Dan was a rather ugly annoying little kid who excelled at nothing, was constantly picked on, and regularly beaten up…………..AND THIS WAS JUST BY THE TEACHERS

In fact, I have learned that Brother Dan is up for most things, but there are some things he would never do.

So ladies and gentlemen it is our great pleasure to present to you the 7 things that Dan would never do.

The 1st thing Dan would never do is come up with a sensible idea of what he wanted to be when he grew up.
When Dan was a young schoolboy he was asked by a relative what he wanted to be when he grew up and Dan's reply to this was “I want to be……………… a police dog”. When asked if he meant police dog handler he insisted “no!” and that we had heard right the first time, he wanted to be a police dog. And the matter was dropped.

John –

Now, Edward had difficulty in believing me about this one, I wonder if it will surprise many of you? So, the 2nd thing Dan would never do is…..Dan would never turn down the chance to try a new hobby……….as a young boy, Dan always wanted to try out new hobbies, sports and pastimes, like football, cricket and……..tap dancing.
Yes.… one fine day as a young fella, decided to throw away his football boots, put away the cricket bat, and pester mum to buy him some tap shoes. He made a lovely sight I can tell you. What a shame he gave up, or we could have had a demonstration of his tap dancing skills tonight.

The 3rd thing Dan would never do is………Say no to a
pint.

Ed –

Is that it?

John –

Yes he would never say no to a pint.

Ed –

On a similar theme the fourth thing Dan would never do………is say no to a pie. Now many of you will have heard of the 7 ages of man, but not many of you will have heard of the three ages of Dan, or more specifically, the 3 diet ages of Dan.

John –

When he was a little lad, Dan was the most incredibly fussy eater. This we call Dan's first age. Salad, fresh fruit, cabbage, broccoli, carrots, beans, peas……he wouldn't touch them. As light as a feather he was back then, the wind would often threaten to
blow him clean over!

Ed –

But then we come to Dan's second age, and it begins at the time that Dan did his one years work experience in Newcastle with Proctor and gamble whilst he was still at university. Dan's picky ways of eating were to come to a dramatic and resounding end when he discovered a fine partner for beer, curry. Dan transformed………and from having the figure of a racing snake, he blossomed and glowed in his fuller figure for he had put on four stones and two chins. And to this day he can
occasionally smell like a small Indian village.

John –

This brings us onto the third age of Dan, the age when he embraced the atkins diet. He found this a marvellous excuse to eat bacon and eggs around the clock. However the most fascinating thing we identified about Dan's interpretation of the atkins diet was the concept of good and bad calories (and yes folks, that was a new one to me as well). It came as no surprise to any of us that the calories to be found in alcohol were always…good.

Ed –

Which brings us onto the fourth thing Dan would never do, say no to another pint.

The fifth thing Dan would never do is keep his trousers on where there was a public opportunity to remove them. When Dan was barely 2 he took issue with various aunts and uncles teasing him and pulling his leg. In retaliation to this onslaught of giggling he turned around and dropped his trousers to let his audience know exactly what he thought of them. He then ran behind a chair and refused to come out for quite
some time.

John –

History was to repeat itself 20 or so years later when Dan attended his cousin Jane's wedding. His pint-sized mistress Miss Stella Artois accompanied Dan to the wedding. The DJ was playing in the disco and Dan hit the dance floor.

Suddenly the classic Tom Jones hit “you can leave your hat on,” made famous by the film “The full Monty,”
thundered from the speakers. On hearing this Daniel was urged to remove his jacket, his shoes his shirt and finally his trousers all to rapturous applause from the other wedding guests.

Ed –

You might think his mother would be proud, but I can tell you she certainly wasn't. Because when Dan was revelling in the cheers and adulation of the crowd with his trousers round his ankles, his mother sneaked up behind him in an attempt to pull his boxer shorts down with the intention to really reveal the “Full Monty.” But thankfully Daniel spotted his mother pulled his trousers up and ran off.

John –

The sixth thing Dan would never do would be to lose a game. At school Dan was captain of the football team and a very successful middle distance runner (before the pies).

Ed –

This competitive streak extended as far as finding the edge in a game of hide and seek. It was after one such game of hide and seek that Dan returned home to mother and declared that he had found the ultimate in hiding places. At this point his mother noticed a strange smell about him. Dan did not need to tell her that this new hiding place was in fact the local grit bin because she had already guessed this as she knew that the grit bin was where neighbours who walked their dogs disposed of their dog's mess. He smelt a treat.

The 7th thing Dan would never do is to get in trouble with the law………or so you may have thought.

I can see the confusion and bewilderment etched across all your faces, how could this fine upstanding member of the community and CREDIT to his parents ever fall foul of the law?

John –

Well, let me tell you about one night a few years ago in the sleepy market town of Bakewell, a quiet place where people keep themselves to themselves, and Policemen are there merely to help you with directions. I had been at the pub with Dan and one of his mates all night. At closing time, Dan staggered out of the pub and into the arms of a female officer of the law, who he promptly called a rude name.

Justice was swift, and Dan was handcuffed and taken in the back of the police car to the nearest police cell, some 12 miles away in Buxton. I made frantic and quite honestly rather drunken and slurred phone calls to the police begging for them to release Daniel unharmed. My pleas fell on deaf ears, so I just went to bed, as I was tired. As it happens, Dan was only detained for a few hours at her majesty's pleasure before he was told he could go home.

On leaving his cell, Dan slurred to the policeman, “But I have no money, how will I get home?”, to which the officer replied, “your problem, son”. So Dan proceeded to walk the 12 miles back to Bakewell across the countryside, in the dark.

But fate was to deal Dan an Ace, because a friendly truck driver pulled alongside him and asked him if he wanted a lift, and Dan gratefully accepted. They had only been driving a minute when the trucker asked Dan, “So what on earth are you doing walking across the countryside in the middle of the night, to which Dan replied, “oh, I had an argument with a lady police officer, and then I've been locked up”……….so the trucker hit the brakes and kicked Dan out of the lorry.
He eventually got home at about 6 in the morning.

Ed –

And that concludes the 7 things Dan would never do.

In all seriousness though our final words to you are to you, Dan and Rachel. We are very proud to be best men here today and we are so pleased that Dan has found such a wonderful and loving wife and she deserves a good husband, so thank god you married her before she found one!!!!…….… I have no doubt that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

(Await applause).

MESSAGES
Finally I've been asked to read a couple of cards from friends and family who unfortunately couldn't be here today. And once I've done that if you don't mind I'm off to ring Margaret Thatcher to see if she's still free tonight.

OK, I'll read the messages:
“TO DAN WE COULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD TOGETHER LOVE KATE MOSS”
(Other messages if there are any).
John –

(TOASTS )
Ladies and gentleman, it gives us great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Dan and Rachel, the new Mr and Mrs Warrington. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage. Dan and Rachel.