Speech by Johnathan Horn

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Johnathan Horn
Speech Date: apr 2003
On behalf of the bridesmaid I would just like to thank Jason for his kind
words. Can I say what a great job XXXXX has done today and add how
wonderful she is looking. The same must also be said about Jes. I think
she looks absolutely stunning. And Jason, well he just looks absolutely
stunned.

Introduction

For those who do not know me, my name is Jon, and I am the better of
Jason's two best men.

I have known Jason for 13 years now, over which time we have become strong
friends, so much so that I even trusted him to be my best man. It was
therefore a great honour to accept his request to be his best man. My
duties have included getting him here on time, sober and smartly dressed.
On the latter duty those comments about him looking like a monkey in a
suit really hurt.

My other duty, before Jason explained to me what it meant, could have led
to some embarrassment. Fortunately he pointed out that being the ‘ring
bearer’ was not the same as baring your ring. This could still happen, it
depends on how drunk I get tonight.

When I first met Jason's parents they always said to me all they wanted
from a son was that he was:

Witty and handsome

Kind and intelligent

Could walk with kings but still keep a common touch

Be Sporty and well groomed

And most of all be nice to his mum

And on this most special of days with my hand on my heart I can truly
say????. Edward (HIS YOUNGER BROTHER) has really done you proud.

Back to Jason??

History

Jason was born on 23 June 1972 in Farnham, notable events happening that
day was a report that doctors in Surrey thought they had discovered the
missing link between man and apes.

As the first-born Jason brought unbridled joy to his parents, especially
when at eleven years old he finally stopped needing afternoon naps when he
got home from school and learnt to go to toilet without his mums
assistance. He soon wiped the smile of joy from his family's faces when
they discovered it was their flannels he was using to wipe with.

But very early on Jason shared the traits of great men such as Churchill,
Napoleon and Dickens. Like them he was a persistent bed wetter well into
his teens.

School

A shock to me as it probably will be to you, Jason went to school. At which
he was a consistent performer ? poor. Jason took five GSCEs and got a
D.U.N.C.E. It was only when I saw these grades on this page I realised
their significance.

Jason explains this poor performance, although he excelled at typing, on
his unhappy stay at a private school. Due to his premature descent into
puberty he was a lot more hairy than his peers, couple this with his size,
gait and love for bananas he was a natural target for the other boys.
First it started with taunts of ‘chimp boy’ and then led to petty violence
in the form of hitting. The other boys had a name for what they did to
Jason, and it was,he explained to me, too much ‘spanking the monkey’ as
the boys called it that damaged Jason's academic career.

I do remember clearly though that I have had one intellectual conversation
with Jason, instead of grunts and monosyllables. One week his car radio got
stuck on Radio 4 instead of allowing him listening to the mind rotting Kiss
FM. For the whole week he wanted to discuss whether Britain should adopt
the Euro, whether he should contract out of SERPS or whether Camilla
Parker Bowles should be allowed marry Charles. A week later the radio was
fixed and it was back to the grunting.

Jason recovered though to take ‘A’ Levels and go to University. A real
heart warming story.

Work

Between A levels and University Jason worked in a bank in London where he
left his mark. One day due to a bomb scare he was told to work in the
Farnborough branch where he was asked to file direct debits forms. Less
than impressed by this request our boy put them away randomly. Even to
this day Mrs Smith in Cove is paying for tumble dryer on direct debit she
never even bought. She sends her best wishes.

After University Jason has had several jobs in IT but also worked for
Intercapital as a board boy where he was affectionately known as monkey.
There is a bit of a theme emerging here!!! He now works for Dresna bank
where his nickname is ‘god’ because:

He is.. holier than thou

Hardly ever seen

And if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.

MYTHS

I feel at this stage I need to dispel some myths about Jason:

If he does not shave for two weeks he will turn into a ball of
hair????.. Not true. It is one week

He always falls a sleep during the movie??? Not true..?. He has
been known to fall asleep before it even starts.

He is a good driver.

PASSIONS

One of Jason's great passions is driving especially driving fast cars. But
just because you have a passion for something doesn't mean you are any good
at it. Unfortunately this is the case with Jason.

Soon after passing his driving test his happy parents insured him on his
mums sporty Volvo. Jason abused this trust by getting caught by the same
policemen in the same street in the same week doing 60 in a 30 mph zone.
Up in front of the beak he was heard to say ‘ I've learnt the errors of my
ways your honour, I will never speed again, I have bought my self an
Austin Allegro’

Speeding was never a lesson he appeared to learn. Fast forward 12 years and
Jason is driving home from squash with a car full of friends questioning
his driving skills in his beloved Subaru Impretza. Confidence exceeded
competence and Jason taking a roundabout too quickly hit the curb and
scrapped his alloys. Jes said he was in a state of shock for days. He
spent most of his time on the Internet talking to fellow Impretza owners
on Scubbienet and Asian Subaru Owners.com, sharing his pain and grief.

As if to emphasis his skill as a driver, he once forgot to put the
handbrake on when he left his car in a car park. He returned hours later
to find it buried in another car opposite to where he had left.

Jason's other passion is sport. His choice of sport is peculiar. Imagine
his parents concern when he came home and told them he wanted to play
hockey. It was only when he proposed to Jes that his parents breathed a
huge sigh of relief. It proved Jason liked girls and not only girl's
games. His teammates, well one in particular find Jason's hockey playing
painful. In consecutive seasons poor old Derek XXXX has had to visit
hospital due to Jason's errant hockey stick or over powered passes. But
give Jason his due he usually is the last man standing ?? only because he
tends to maim all his other teammates.

Stag dos

His final passion seems to be stag dos. He had two, one in Las Vegas where
he went to a marriage counsellor to learn how to win arguments when
married. This involved familiarising himself with a semi automatic machine
gun. Also he visited the Grand Canyon or I think that was the lap dancers
stage name.

The second was in Newcastle where he had a few close shaves and ended the
evening wearing his heart on his chest.

After all that we may be asking ourselves what Jes sees in Jason, I think
she asked for Mr Right but someone misheard her and gave her Mr Knight.

So I'd just like to say Jason, you are a lucky groom; marrying Jes today.
She deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her before she found
one.

Finally I've been asked to read a couple of cards from friends and family
who unfortunately couldn't be here today:

On a more serious note. Jas , we have had some excellent times together and
I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a great
friend to me over the years, and it is a great honour to be your best man.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand
and raise your glasses in a toast to Jason and Jes, the new Mr and Mrs
Knight.

We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and
fruitful marriage.

Jason and Jessica