Speech by Johnny Barnett

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Johnny Barnett
Speech Date: Aug2007
I really thought that having to follow a speech by Richard would be quite difficult, and I was right, I couldn't follow a bloody word of it.

I did ask for a microphone today, but I was told that one wasn't available. SO IF YOU CAN'T HEAR ME AT THE BACK, THE SILENCE FROM THE PEOPLE AT THE FRONT, SHOULD REASSURE YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT MISSING OUT ON ANYTHING GOOD.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Johnny Wudulikeadrink. I'll be at the bar for most of the evening and if you do get a chance to speak to me, I really insist you call me by my full name.

It's great to see all these guests turn out up to the church today. Without you being there, to the wedding party today would have seemed like a dress rehearsal.

I would like to say how lovely and well turned-out everyone looks today. It's nice to see that most of you have made some sort of effort. Jemma looks absolutely stunning and gorgeous, Carly, Ellie, Amelia and Amie all look beautiful and Rick.you look worried.

One of a best man's duties is, to help make sure that the wedding goes smoothly. This is why I'm carrying a pocket wedding guide book.
Show guests a small diary
In this book, it mentions 3 significant parts of today's service.
Read what's in the book.
The aisle- the longest walk you'll ever take. The alter – the place were 2 become 1, The hymm – the song which celebrate the marraige

I think Jemma must have been reading the same book, because when she was walking down the aisle, I'm sure I heard her whispering to herself, Aisle, Alter, Hymn. I'll alter him.

I think all went well getting Richard prepared for this big day. We made sure that he was properly dressed and arrived at the church sober and on time. Our one disappointment would have to be failing to arrange his last request as a single man.
Unfortunately due to very strong protests from the &quotDo-gooders&quot at the Sheep Welfare Council they wouldn't allow us to let it happen.

I can just about recall the 1st time I met Rick. It was about 13 years ago in a pub in Wibsey.
I was told that he was a bit of a joker, funny, dressed smart, generous, had a great sense of humour, and he was a diamond geezer. I only saw one of these features in him. He's certainly was diamond geezer. Like most diamonds, I almost saw right through him.

I can honestly say in 13 years I've known Rick, I've never know anyone to ever question his intelligence.
Saying that, I don't think I've heard anyone even mention it.

Most of you who know Richard, will know that he has had many vehicles since he started driving. Most of them have been quite sporty. I can remember most of them, but 2 stick in my mind.

There was your white Peugeot 309 GTI. When you got out of this car you always had a headache due to the fumes. I think it might have had something to do with the diesel can you had in the boot of the car, which was always full of fuel from what you pinched from work.

And the other was your white Fiesta RS Turbo. I think the speedo on this car started at 60mph, because you drove everywhere fast and never seemed to go under that speed limit.

Like I said he had many of them. I've manage to get a pictures of all the cars that you've ever owned and put them altogether to make a small leaflet. I've brought it with me today to show you.
Show guest a car magazine
I've called it ”R.J.Clough Exchange”.

Richard loved to go out most nights of the week with his mates. We'd usually start at 7.30. Rick was very committed to his work, so he always felt the need to finish his drinks so much faster than the rest of us.
I mean stop drinking earlier than the rest of us, so that he had a clear head for work in the morning.
That's after 16 pints of Stella, 12 bottles of Budweiser's, and 10 pints of Kronenberg. He was just an animal when it came to drink.

I've spoken to some of Richard's work mates who tell me that he has two nicknames at work. One he doesn't know about ”The God”, most of them use behind his back. Apparently, no one ever see him and if he does do any work it's usually a miracle.

Richard, you're an extremely lucky guy. You've have Jemma. She's a beautiful, warm, loving and a caring woman. Jemma, I terribly sorry, you've got Richard.
Walk towards Richard &amp Jemma

It's fair to say that being a best man can also be a fairly nerve racking experience. I know that there's one person here today that's feeling is rather nervous, uneasy and probably a bit queasy about what lies ahead. All I can say is,

Don't worry, Jemma. It's probably because you've just married Richard and I am sure it will soon pass.

Did you know Richard was once asked what Jemma favourite flower was? To which he had no hesitation in replying.
Self-Raising.

Richard new family have really taken to him, because he is just a Read sepearte sheet of paper that is screwed and torn Joinourwine, Handseem, Fumy, Intelimigrent, Wooty gay

Look I'm very sorry Rick I'm finding it really hard to read your hand writing. It's appalling.

I've learnt that every marriage may have its ups and down. Jemma and Richard, may all your ups and downs, be between the sheets.

Did you know that marriage is not just a word? It is actually a sentence.
A life sentence.

I've been married to my lovely wife Lee for 2296 days.

In that time Rick, I have learnt 4 key things about marriage that I want to pass on to you, and you should always remember and never forget.

1, never forget birthdays or anniversaries.
2 buy flowers regularly, but not too often, that it becomes suspicious.
3 keep telling Jemma those three lovely important little words. You're right dear.
And 4 and most importantly, make sure you get on with your new mother-in law.
To start with I didn't say a word to mine for nearly 8 months. It wasn't that we didn't get on. It's just I thought it was rude to break her off whilst she talked.

I wonder if anybody knew this, but when two people are deeply in love, it's traditional that a man should know about the 7 rings of a relationship. They are:
Show cards with ring names on
Friendship ring, Engagement ring, Wedding ring,Eternity ring

Then comes the Enduring, the Torturing, and the Suffering.

A good marriage is a matter of give and take. Richard will be giving and the Jemma will be taking.

A happy marriage is a relationship, where one person will always be right, and the other is the husband.

On a more serious note, here's something that every couple should remember. The moral to having a successful relationship, is that one good turn.. will get all the duvet.

Rob was Pauline and David 1st child. Richard was the 2nd. I bet you didn't know this Rick, but you were almost called Tuesday when you were born. Your Mum &amp Dad took a good look at you whilst you were lying in the hospital cot and said, &quotLet's just call it a day.&quot

I hope Richard and Jemma have a nice time when they go to North Wales?
I presume that is where there going, because when I asked Richard what he was doing after the wedding, he said he's going to BANGOR for a couple of days.

I know some of you who are yawning and wondering, will this handsome guy ever sit down and shut up. Don't worry, your in luck, I'm nearly half way through. There are only 8 more pages to go.

I was handed something earlier and asked if I would read it out to you all.
Read separate sheet of paper.
Genesis. Chapter 1. In the beginning God crea. I don't think so. Screw this up and throw it away

Richard and Jemma, the very best of luck to you both. We all hope that you, Amelia and Ethan have a long and happy future together.

If you ever need any help or a favour, don't ever hesitate to call.

The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. There on call 24/7.

To Rick, I speak for both Damien and myself, seeing as Damien won the toss and I had to do this speech . Thanks you for choosing us both to be your best men today. Although it's been a drag, but on a positive note, it's been a real honour.

I was asked yesterday if I would read some cards and messages. I did protest, but Jemma gave me the look.
So here goes.
read 3 cards and 1 message
message – all the best for the future. If you need any help paying of the wedding bills, were always here to help, from your 3 best mates Robin Banks, Nick king and Rob Array

Now, if you could all join me in a toast to some very important people, without who today just wouldn't be the same?
I'm sure that at some point today, most of you will shuffle past them and exchange a few fond words.
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls I'd like you to raise your glasses and toast.

THE BAR STAFF

Well I hope you everyone goes on to enjoy the rest of the evening, because I certainly plan to.

So that leads me to say, without further ado if you would all like stand.
Please raise your glasses,

As we all unite together to celebrate this wedding day, It's been real lovely and that leads me on to say, as the newly joined couple embark on married life, Let's all celebrate and toast the new husband &amp wife.

TO RICHARD AND JEMMA

Ops, there's just one last thing. It says here read out the note that I placed in your jacket pocket.
Lots of love Lee

this need to be on a piece of paper in your pocket You are the world's greatest husband.

If you are reading this note, you've got through your speech.
Take a bow, and accept your applause, if any. Then order a drink and don't forget to order me one.