Speech by Johnny X

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Johnny X
Speech Date: aug 2002
Hello everyone. Can the people down the back hear me OK? People at the bar hear me okay? Yeah? Fantastic! I'll have a large JD & coke please and s do you want a drink?…….Anyone else want a drink?

My name is Johnny X. I'm the chap that Orlando asked to be his helper and right hand man over the preparatory months and on the concluding day, today But you're on your own tonight mate.

On behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Orlando for those kind words They've been very much involved and very supportive. Thank you.
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, and double entendre's I've promised Orlando & Briany that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately …I was honoured to be asked and since then I've had many a sleepless afternoon at work trying to work out how best to do justice to two of my best friends

Whilst finding out my duties on the internet it said to get him here on time, clean shaven etc. and then it said I had to make a speech to the bride and groom – It said nothing about you lot being here!!! I found some other stuff as well but that's not important right now. The second thing I discovered was that the best man has the potentially delicate duty of keeping the grooms ex-girlfriends at bay. Thankfully this has been made a lot easier since the foot and mouth outbreaks!

Anyway, lets get on with the story about young Orlando fouling himself in a swimming pool. What a time to get diarrhoea Boy did that pool empty quickly. Apparently the teacher approached the kids in the changing room after and said “If anyone has an upset tummy can they come and see me”.

Anyway, baby Orlando squeezed his way into the world on the 5th September 1971 The very same month the microprocessor was first introduced the Intel 4004 a 4 bit device which ironically paved the way for embedded intelligence!??. On attempting to get the newspaper for the day he was born I was told that there was a newspaper strike Typical Orlando. It's not hard to believe he was an extremely ugly baby (show picture). I call this beauty & the beast. In fact I'm told his Mother Gretta didn't start morning sickness until after he was born. Here's one a little larger (perhaps show all the baby ones here)

I asked a few people what they thought of Orlando. What word or words best described him. Mad, drunken, hedonistic, loveable, outgoing, generous, gregarious. Unfortunately, Orlando has also been described as arrogant, insensitive and selfish. And let's face it; if anyone should know him it's his Mother. No seriously The word I would use to sum up Orlando is Passionate. Passionate about life. Passionate about Briany. His emotions are never far from the surface and I respect that. He's a lovable rogue.

He was always looking for love His long term relationship with the lovely Miss Stella Artois will always remain although she's very cold and expensive, but he needed someone else in his life..Someone warmer. This is when they first met, around 6 years ago when Orlando was running the Whippit Inn . Briany turned up to see this handsome chap working behind the bar and it was lust at first sight. Apparently Briany fell for his charm and he fell for her bottom.

We have become all too aware and quite frankly terrified of Orlando's new found hobby as an amateur private's exposer which in fact he has perfected to a fine art- – We all went out as a big group to Canterbury recently and Gertrude told me that Briany had told Orlando off for exposing himself. I presumed that he simply waved it at Briany in the corner of the club somewhere…NO. He was dancing at the front of the stage at the time. So a warning to people when we start dancing later

Orlando has a lovely family. It was great to see Carl again at the weekend and a pleasure to meet Roland. On the Saturday we had intended to enjoy an afternoon of clay pigeon shooting. Unfortunately after over doing it on the Friday, Orlando lost enthusiasm for it – I think he didn't want to show himself up because Briany told me later that she actually beat him last time they went.

Most of our stag party made it back around 4 on the Sunday but Orlando and I were a little later. We got back at midnight and surprisingly enough the girls were fine about it…….…

You will never know true happiness
until you have truly loved,
and you will never understand
what pain really is
until you have lost it…Or you're back late from a stag weekend.

I Arrived late at a private party at the Whippit Inn and Orlando went out of his way to greet me with an outstretched hand and made me feel very welcome. I don't forget things like that, they mean a lot to me. We were immediately good friends and always will be.

Here's just a word of advice for Briany – If something Orlando said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, he meant the other one.
Pause

Ladies and gentleman I give you …….the bride and groom

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