Speech by Jon Dale

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jon Dale
Speech Date: apr 2003
Hi everyone, up until now, it has been a fantastic wedding.

I must congratulate you Chris on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be difficult to follow and I was right. I couldn't follow a bloody word!

INTRO
Now, before I officially begin my speech, I'm going to need a little audience participation.
Can everyone help me with that? [wait for response]
Sorry didn't hear you, a little bit louder please..… [wait for audience response]
Good. First, I'm going to need everyone to shift up to the edge of your seat please?
Excellent. Next, On “3”, I need the left side shout a big "Ooooo"
Great. Now I need the right side, nice and loud please, say "Ahhhh".
Absolutely great. It's just that I promised Chris that I'd have everyone oohing and ahhing on the edge of their seats under the promise that if this was successful, I could be Best Man at his next wedding.
I would just like to say at this point that I am a little bit nervous, with me being a little out of practice with making speeches. Also the last time that me and Chris were dressed in suits in front of so many people, the first words out of our mouths were “Not guilty your honour”. Although, I can safely say we're more nervous today. In fact I have to admit that waiting to deliver this speech wasn't the first time today, that I have spent a few anxious moments sitting on a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.… So please bear with me.
However, I'm not the only one, for I followed Chris into the toilet earlier and found this [produce brick].
THANKS
On behalf of the Bridesmaids, ________________, ______________ & ________________ I'd like to thank Chris for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely wonderful, and have done an excellent job this afternoon in getting Kate to the church on time and making sure that Kate went against her better judgement and didn't change her mind. Thanks also goes to the ushers, ______________ & ______________ who have done a splendid job ushering people.
May I ask you to put your hands together for the caterers’ today who have provided us with a fantastic meal?
[start clapping]
My favourite part of the meal was the soup. In fact it was that good, I've even asked the chef for a packet.
BEST MAN BIT
It has been said that being Best Man is like making love to the Queen: "It's a great honour, but no one wants to do it! "
Indeed I'm honoured to be the Best Man today and I would like to thank Chris for asking me, and Kate for letting Chris ask me. However, I'm sure you'll all agree there's only one Best Man today and that's Chris. My first duty of getting Chris to the church, sober and on time was a complete success.
After a short engagement of 4 years!, Chris and Kate have finally got married, for better or for worse. Which is quite appropriate as Chris couldn't have done any better and Kate couldn't have done any worse. Kate truly looks stunning today and I think the term ‘radiant’ would not be an overstatement.
Chris you look like you always do.… Third prize in a raffle. No seriously, you've scrubbed up quite nicely, although I am not too pleased about you copying my outfit.
BITS ABOUT CHRIS
So, before I start to lay into Chris, which is the only reason I agreed to be Best Man in the first place. I would like to take this opportunity to remind Kate of the Man she has married.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, I didn't have the privilege of going to school with Chris, but he tells me that he was an exceptionally gifted student at school and he excelled in everything he did be it sports, academics or the arts. He left school to the great sadness of his headmaster and successfully attended University where I'm reliably informed he attained a first class honours degree in rocket science.
“Chris can only be described as Handsome, witty, intelligent, generous, a great footballer and ………………………………sorry Chris, I'm having trouble reading your writing.”
One of Chris's favourite foods is Pizza, the last time we were in Pizza hut together, the waitress serving us asked Chris if he would like his Pizza cut into 4 or 8 pieces, Chris replied, “cut it into 4 pieces, I don't think I could manage 8”
As for Chris's dancing, rarely does anyone hit the dance floor with such little regard for style or rhythm, he doesn't so much dance, as jog, and I've estimated that his first dance with Kate will cover at least 3 ½ miles.
I wanted to tell you how drunk Chris got and the mischief we got up to on customary Stag do. But unfortunately Chris's solicitor has prevented me from discussing the case. However, he has allowed to me to inform you, that during the boyish festivities Alex felt slightly nauseas and had to go home early.
The first time I met Chris was 8 years ago when I started a new job washing -up on at The pub. We had numerous conversations over the washup bench, and I can definitely say this is where our friendship blossomed. In fact i knew Chris was a good friend when he used to smuggle sausages for me behind the back of the chef, Fat Dave. As you can tell, Chris has always been a big risk-taker.
Chris has had many successes at the pub. During his time there, he has progressed from being a waiter to chef, then to head chef, then to supervisor, and reached his pinnacle with a managerial role.
However, Chris has also worked successfully through the Swan with a very similar pattern and speed.
There was Alison, then Sophie, then Karen……………..By the way Chris, do stop me if I've got the wrong order here………… So there's Alison, Sophie, Karen, Sadie, Lisa, Corrina, Nicola and Kate. There is also 1 other girl who played the cello. I can't quite remember her name, but one thing I can recall is Chris telling me she enjoyed a fiddle!!
Eventually he settled down and found Kate…………..who he also struck a chord with.
Now although this speech generally focuses on Chris, I'm not letting Kate get away scot free. I remember hearing one event that happened when Kate was having problems with her new car. She was driving along and was experiencing difficulties with her clutch. She was finding that she couldn't press the clutch down very easily. So, with Kate being such a bright and quick thinking girl, she decided to take it to the garage to get the problem sorted out.
After the maintenance crew spending several minutes inspecting her car, they found the root of the seemingly complex problem. The car mat had been crumpled underneath the pedal. So as you can see, Chris and Kate are a perfect match.
It is strange though, how she doesn't have the same difficulty putting her foot down with Chris?
Now Kate has also had many successes in the past and one of her most recent is her qualification as a nurse. None of you will probably know this, but Chris has always had a thing about “Uniforms” so Kate's choice of career has only been a bonus for Chris and I can't stress how happy and relived I am that Chris has moved on from his “Fireman” phase.
However, I do feel uneasy with the amount of times I see the “AA” van outside their house.
As I have shown, Kate has been really lucky to meet a guy like Chris.
Chris has been like an older, although uglier brother to me, he's also one of the funniest blokes that I've ever known and one of life's good people. He's basically one of those annoying guys that everyone seems to like, and deservingly so.
TELEGRAMS AND CARDS
Without further ado, the time has come for me to read the cards & telegrams;

The first is from the lads at football: We've found Chris to be useless in every position. Hope Kate has more luck.
The second is from the AA: Congratulations, although with 122 callouts a year, we are saddened to lose our most valued customer.
The third is from Garrath in North Carolina: Congratulations on your marriage. Sorry I couldn't be there, but please send a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted.
And lastly, from the RAC: Congratulations on the set up of your new account.
Well I've been asked by Chris to wrap the speech up as soon as I can, because he can't wait to get Kate's knickers off…………….because they're really hurting him!!
TOAST
Finally on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances and though it's been said before, it now gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for the happy couple. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage.
The New Mr & Mrs ************………..… [Raise Glass]……….Chris and Kate.

Thank you.