Speech by Jon Daniels

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jon Daniels
Speech Date: Aug 2009
Ladies, gentlemen, friends and freeloaders. It's been a fantastic day so far. The venue is spectacular, the ceremony was very special and everyone looks lovely. Unfortunately, every silver lining has a cloud, and today that comes in the form of me. For those who don't know me, my name is actually Jonathan even though Howard has introduced me to many of you as Helen – trust me, it's a long story, but the bar is well stocked so be sure to see me later if you're interested!

Today I have the very special privilege of being the best man.

Before beginning I'd like to provide two disclaimers:

1. My speech does NOT contain any original material – so if anyone is offended, it has NOTHING to do with me!
2. Should you injure yourselves in any way when climbing on the chairs and tables at the end of my speech to give me a standing ovation, I can in NO way be held responsible for your actions!
I was also a little worried as to how long my speech should last so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should last as long as it takes the Groom to perform his duties in the bedroom. So, with that ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, you've been a great crowd!

They say a good speech is like a MINI SKIRT..SHORT enough to be interesting but LONG enough to cover the ESSENTIALS. So here goes.
– Turn to Howard and Jen

At this point I would like to ask both Howard and Jen to take part in my speech. Jen will you please place your right hand on the table. Howard will you please place your left hand on top of Jen's..…
Howard you look beautiful today ..… Jen you've scrubbed up well love.
Now.As part of the speech I am apparently supposed to sing Howard's praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, to be honest I'm not a great liar, and I'm definitely no Sinatra. I did have a few cracking stories to share with you.mostly show and tell stuff, but the props were confiscated by customs and what follows are the remaining few that got past Jen.
Where do we start?.…

Growing up, Howard was a slow starter – At Junior School he was different from the other 5 year olds. he was 11. He was never a very popular child and I remember his mum and dad had to tie a bone round his neck just to get the dog to play with him.
In Math – Although very keen, Howard had a distinct problem differentiating between inches and centimetres!!!!!! I think he still has that problem today!

Howard and I have known each other since we were small. We lived a few doors apart in a supposedly quiet suburban street in NW London.

Howard used to come over and play football and cricket in our back garden. Unfortunately, in the UK, the start of the football season coincides with the time of year when my dad's prized geraniums would be in bloom. On one occasion Howard attempted a David Beckham style free-kick which took out several of these plants, and resulted in us being chased down the road by my dad with slipper in hand. This sort of thing happened quite a lot. This helps explain how Howard was once as slim and toned as me. Alas Howard is now living the American dream.

On reflection I have realized that Howard influenced my school education more than I initially believed. He managed to convince me once to go fishing for the infamous Pike of Stanmore Hill Lake the night before my 11+ exam, he twisted my arm into building snowmen in the park instead of revising for my 14+ exams, and cajoled me into building a cricket pitch in my dad's garden instead of revising for my 16+ exams
– thinking about that particular incident, it really highlights Howard's sense of loyalty.
. for those of you who are unfamiliar with a cricket pitch. it is essentially a strip of dead grass about 22 yards long. My parents were away on vacation so we set about killing a section of grass just long enough in front of the prized geraniums that I mentioned earlier. We eventually succeeded in creating a high quality strip and had packed away the DDT and RoundUp just in time for my parents return, at which point Howard mysteriously disappeared leaving me to explain that the Greater London Water Board had come along and inserted an emergency piece of piping in the back yard. I think they bought it!

Howard did a few jobs before doing what he does now. One particular job was running the nerve centre for an emergency call out company in London. Being the conscientious employee that he is he decided to install a computer game on the company's computer network. Unfortunately it had a virus and the system crashed one night. I recall thinking something was afoot at the sound of wailing sirens across North London's neighbourhoods but thinking nothing of it I was totally calm when I picked up the phone to hear Howard frantically making no sense what so ever but managed to make out something about computers, viruses, ambulances, police helicopters and an offer of hard cash if I could make it to Hammersmith within half an hour. I think you still owe that cash! I think Howard was fired a few days later for a totally unrelated incident – more on that at the bar later!

Howard is known for his creativity. He was always a whizz with Lego, and would always amaze us with the buildings he would create on my brother's bedroom floor – I did try to teach him how to clear up after himself, but I think after my mum's third vacuum cleaner broke down we finally gave up – Maybe Jen will have more luck on that front.

Speaking of Jen, I remember meeting her for the first time when Howard brought her along to our weekly poker game, classy I know. I believe it was their second date. All the boys were taken with her immediately, and I think we took her money immediately too. although as Howard and Jen's relationship blossomed, so did her poker skills, and by the time they left to move to the States, most of us were pretty broke!

Have you still got your hands together? .… Good, good

Now traditionally, as Best man, it falls to me to offer Howard some general advice for a happy and long lasting marriage.I've managed to condense this advice – which is based on my own meandering experience and input from some people here today – into 14 short rules. So Howard, if you remember and abide by these rules there should be no more middle of the night frantic phone calls..
1. Jennifer always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. Howard can never possibly know all the rules.
4. If Jennifer suspects that Howard knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. Jennifer is never wrong.
6. If Jennifer is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Howard said or did wrong.
7. If rule number 6 applies, Howard must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. Jennifer can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. Howard must never change his mind without express written consent from Jennifer.
10. Jennifer has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. Howard must remain calm at all times, unless Jennifer wants him to be angry or upset.
12. Jennifer must under no circumstances let Howard know what's on her mind whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14.Jennifer always gets the last word!
.
Ok. so as Best Man, I am supposed to stand here and pay tribute to the bridegroom. However, as this is the 21st century, I would like, to pay a little bit of attention to the bride…….I've come to know Jen very well since she's been together with Howard and genuinely class her as a true friend, I've always said from the beginning they are perfect together….She is beautiful, intelligent, witty and caring……Howard couldn't ask for a better woman…..and if he did Jen would probably kill him.

Howard.., we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a great friend and a second brother to me over the years and I know how happy Jen makes you…it truly is a great honour to be your best man….so Thank you. I will also say that you have managed to get one of the best girls possible. Howard. You will leave here today having gained a wife that is warm, loving, and caring. Who is both funny, charming and beautiful.
And Jen, you'll leave here today having gained a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers.

Now this speech has been edited by Jen, so I apologise for the limited attack on Howard's character however if anyone would like to hear any stories about Howard that were censored, and there are lots, believe me, then please feel free to join me for a drink at the bar later.

Now, in case any of you are wondering why I asked Howard to place his hand on top of Jen's, I will tell you now. Howard … as my final role as your Best Man, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last five minutes in which you will ever have the upper hand over Jen.

So then, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the happy couple… We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Howard and Jennifer!