Speech by Jon & Matt

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jon & Matt
Speech Date: oct 2004
Graham & Liz's Wedding Speech by Jon & Matt

Matt Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys, Girls [PAUSE] and of course, psychologists – welcome to the wedding celebrations for Graham and Liz.

Jon My name is Jon and this is my partner in crime Matt.

Just in case you have not realised we are the Best Men.

Graham said if we do a good job we can be the Best Men at his next wedding.

We are a double act – some may liken us to Laurel & Hardy, but we prefer to think of ourselves as Sean Connery and Roger Moore.

Matt Some even go as far to say that we're artistes – but we'll leave you to decide what type of artiste's we really are when we're at the bar later on tonight.

Jon We believe that our main responsibilities for today were: 1. to ensure that the groom arrives on time, 2. to ensure that the groom arrived sober and 3. to ensure that the groom arrived looking good.

Well, 2 out of 3 isn't bad – after all we're Best Men not plastic surgeons!

Matt It's slightly different to have 3 Best Men, but we like to think that we're such best friends with Graham that he wanted us all to be by his side on this special day.

However, Jon reckons it was just to make Graham look good in the photos.

Jon Rest assured though, unlike most Best Mans speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, Matt and I have promised Graham and Liz that if there's anything slightly risqué, then we'll whip it out immediately.

Matt We really have done a lot of research here and Graham will be pleased to know that he actually shares his birthday with a couple of rather fetching American actresses – namely Pamela Anderson and Jennifer Anniston.

However, that's all you'll ever share with them Graham.

Jon Not only was Graham born in 1972, but believe it or not that was also the year that:
Mr Men books were first published;
The first Godfather film was released and
The pocket calculator was invented.

All of these have helped to shape and influence the Graham that we know today.

We don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but 2 weeks after he was born family planning was made available free on the NHS.
Matt On a more serious note, we feel incredibly honoured and proud to be Graham's Best Men.

We first met Graham in Stirling 14 years ago – on the very first day in AKD. Despite different courses and Graham's early intentions of being an eternal student (didn't he milk that one?) – we remained living together for the next 4 years.

Well, in the 14 years we've known Graham he has been kind enough to give us endless ammunition for just such an occasion.

But out of respect for the happy couple, on this their big day, we have decided not to tell!

Jon So we're not going to tell you about:
His self-cleaning socks;
His escapades with the pressure cooker;
His fetish with bin bags;
Being cheap and
Being too tied up to go to lectures. Remember that one Graham?

For more detailed explanations, including diagrams and photo's, see us later at the bar.

Matt Liz first set eyes on Graham when he set foot in her flat – she thought he was handsome from afar.

Now she just thinks he's far from handsome.

Jon Graham and Liz have done so much together already – from Graham's PHD dissertation to decorating their many houses.

No doubt you'll have heard of their DIY disasters over the past week or two and it's obvious that married life for them is going to start with a lot of banging and screwing.

Matt Seriously though Graham. You are a lucky groom: you've got Liz. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring.

And Liz, you've got – Graham.

Jon When we left Uni, we were all very chuffed, some amazed, to get our first degrees.

We were really proud of Graham when he got his second.

It was on his third that Matt and I started to feel a little inadequate.

And by his fourth, we realised that he was definitely changing and in a different league from us.

We're sure you'll agree that it has been an amazing transformation from a young, lager swilling lad into a highly sophisticated and respected clinical psychologist.

However, we feel that there's one thing missing before the transformation is fully complete.

No psychologist is complete without [WAVE WAITER OVER, MATT PRESENTS] – the obligatory pair of sandals!

Matt Finally, the stag party.

Liz, you'll be relieved to know that Graham didn't snog any women. However, he did meet a “special friend” called Michael on a sofa – but let's just leave it at that!

For those of you who know Graham, well, you'll know that he's particularly vain.

So on the stag when persuaded to wear a rather fetching pink ra-ra skirt and matching pink boob tube, his first comment was “does my bum look big in this?”

Jon Before the cards and toasts, I'd like to share our vision of Graham and Liz in the morning.

Graham will call room service in the morning and order breakfast. Now Graham likes his food, so for himself he'll order 1 pound of bacon, 12 fried eggs and 2 gallons of orange juice.

For his wife, he'll order some lettuce and a stick of carrot.

The room service lady will no doubt be puzzled and ask whether the new Mrs Dyson would prefer something more substantial.

To which Graham will probably reply, “no thanks, I'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!”

Matt Well, as married men, we'd like to share some words of wisdom.

Liz, remember that men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, then you stamp on them until they mature into something you want to have dinner with.

Jon Graham, women are also like fine wine. They start out very fresh, fruity and vibrant – then turn full bodied, go sour and vinegary and then they give you a headache!

Matt Our last duty today is the toast, so may you all be upstanding.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Jon/Matt To the Bride and Groom's future happiness. [TOAST GLASSES]

To the Bride and Groom!