Speech by Jon Ostrowski

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jon Ostrowski
Speech Date: Jul 2002
NOTES TO BEST MAN
Ensure that the hotel staff bring in the telegrams and the ‘gift’ during the speech so that it looks less conspicuous

This speech is interactive, there will be points in it where you are all expected to join in. Don't worry there are cue cards which will tell you what to do. In fact lets have a practice…
 Show ‘laugh’ card
 Show ‘applause’ card
If any of you feel like doing either of these activities when the card is not displayed that is OK, if you do not do it when they are shown, I have a further ten speeches stored away – you have been warned!

Ladies, Gentleman, my name is Jon and I am Lee's physically younger brother but more importantly, I am Lee's best man today. I cannot tell you have fantastic it was to finally hear Lee admit that I am indeed the best man! A wise man once said that being best man is like being asked to make love to Princess Anne, it's a great honour but no one really wants to do it! Sorry, I know it's a bad joke, but it's tradition!

Firstly I would just like to thank Lee for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids who I am sure you will all agree look absolutely gorgeous and have carried out their duties of ensuring the bride arrives here on time and cured of all her wedding day nerves. Out of interest how many vodka and cokes did it take? Also, to Robert the Pageboy, who has also done a sterling job today, in fact Lee trusted Robert a great deal more than me, did you notice who was looking after the rings?? It was actually some pretty shrewd thinking on Lee's part there, after all, as a student I would probably have pawned the rings in order to buy a few beers! (If hotel beer is expensive, make a comment that it would probable only buy 1)

Wasn't the ceremony fantastic? Emma and the bridesmaids looked so beautiful, the setting is gorgeous and everything was just perfect. It was so moving that I believe even the cake was in tiers. Sorry, tradition again!

I picked up a couple of books on the responsibilities of the best man, and searched the internet for more information. I was quite surprised at what I was expected to do today, so here is some of what is expected of me.
 Firstly, to bring a cheque book or credit card to cover any payments which the groom may have forgotten, sorry mate my card only has a £3,000 limit
 Help the groom to dress, and can you believe it, we still came dressed the same, I told you I was wearing this!
 Ensure that the groom
o Uses the toilet – sorry but if he does not know after 26 years
o Ties his shoes – impossible so the suit company kindly provided him with Velcro ones
o Has his face and hair in order – well the hair was done this morning, but the face is beyond help
o Has nothing between his teeth – or was that his ears?
o Has his flies fastened – there are some places that man is not meant to venture
o Ensure all ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. I am reliably informed that Dolly is out grazing at the moment, blissfully unaware that you are getting married
 Bring an emergency kit full of the following items: aspirin, antacid, deodorant, valium (glad I brought those, they are really helping), tooth brush and paste and a thick black marker pen. If anyone knows what the latter item is for, please let me know (I will be hanging around the bar later).
 Have the second dance of the evening with the chief bridesmaid, were you aware that? Still, better not cheat tradition.
 Finally, make a speech to the bride and groom – it said nothing about you lot being here too, but still the show must go on as they say!

Now, I don't know about all of you, but I am no good at writing speeches, so, I decided to trawl the internet for a pre-prepared one and found loads of sites which do just that. Sadly, none of the speeches were about a couple called Lee & Emma who were both in the navy, lived in Plymouth, and where the best man was the groom's brother Jon. So, it looks like it is down to me after all.

Apparently, the groom should choose a best man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems. As you will all soon see, Lee is an appalling judge of character, which brings me nicely to the point where I can destroy his – don't worry, this won't take long!

Lee made me promise not to tell any embarrassing stories about him, and since it is his wedding, I will do as he wishes. Therefore I will not tell you of the time he had to jump across the Afghan border in the dead of night, the time he had his nipple pierced and certainly not about the time he was arrested for inappropriate use of a black-pudding whilst working at Morrisons.

Matthew Lee Ostrowski was born on 21st July 1976 in Walsall. Now, I am not saying that Lee was an ugly baby, but Mum suffered morning sickness after he was born! There were many historical facts surrounding this year, for example, the VW Golf was launched, Walt Disney World had it's 50 millionth guest. Concorde flew its first commercial flight and Stoke City won the league for a record 20th time. Of course I jest on this point, it was in fact only the 19th time. The two biggest coincidences however were these: 1976 saw the introduction of the phrase ‘junk food’ into the English dictionary, as good a reason as any for the liking Lee has for this kind of food; and it was the driest summer on record since 1727. This is the likely cause for Lee's love of anything cold, wet and served in a pint glass!

Trying to find a story to tell about Lee that does not begin with “we were in the pub” or “we'd been drinking all day” or “I woke up with a sore head in a Welsh mill covered in chicken feed” presented me with a major problem. However, having spoken to mum & dad I realised what was the pivotal moment in Lee's life, and decided to tell that story.

Lee was on holiday with us in Wales, and as many of you know, he has a great love of fishing, and this was so even in the early days. It appears however, that Lee did not quite grasp the idea of fishing at this time, and believed that the best way to catch a fish was with his hands. So, in he jumped after what he reliably tells me was the biggest fish he had ever seen, the sort he says would eat Jaws for breakfast, sadly Lee forgot that at the time he could not swim, and had to be rescued by his grand dad. Lee's was understandably very distressed at this, and was sobbing for quite some time, not because he had swimming in a river of Welsh rat piss, or because he had lost the fish but because of something he lost. What was it Lee?

Yes, Lee lost his pump that day and vowed to spend the rest of his life searching for it, and refusing to wear a left shoe as a mark of respect – as the photograph shows. So, Lee decided to join the navy and continue his search for that pump underwater, Lee was somewhat disappointed to discover however that submarines do not have windows! So, as you can see, had Lee not have lost his pump that day, he would not have developed his love of the water, his would not have joined the navy and would therefore not have met Emma. So, the only reason we are all celebrating here today is because Lee lost his left pump.

Being Lee's younger brother, I did not pay much attention to his schooling and had to rely on the testaments of Mum for his academic abilities and a certain Bob Ellis about his sporting prowess. Mum told me about me one of Lee's old report cards, which I must admit looked very impressive, is said that Lee was an ideal pupil and excelled in most subjects. It later transpired however that Lee had doctored this report and it should actually have read: Lee is an idle student who is expelled in most subjects. For those of you unfamiliar with Bob Ellis, let me tell you that he was both mine and Lee's PE teacher at BRJ (our secondary school) and often the butt of all jokes around the school. Well, he informed me that Lee took part in a lot of sports, but was crap in all positions. Good luck Emma.

Lee has held down several jobs in his life, he has worked at Morrisons supermarket as a checkout operator, his managers there were very impressed with him, his till was always full of paper money, namely IOUs! Lee then moved onto the delicatessen where he became manager, we all thought that Lee had reached his peak there and could not say a way for things to get better for him. Lee became discontented with his life, and the call of his pump was too strong so he applied to join the navy late in 1998.

I remember the day that Lee left Wellington on the train to Plymouth for the first time. I remember thinking to myself, great I can have the big room now, but alas I did not get it. It was while Lee was in his first 8 weeks of training at HMS Raleigh that he met Emma. They hit it off straight away and never looked back. I remember how impressed I was when I first met Emma, she is a very attractive girl with a great sense of humour, but I was most impressed that unlike many of Lee's other girlfriends, she only had two legs! It was apparent to me very early on that Lee & Emma were destined for great things together and was not in the least bit surprised when they got engaged, they truly are made for each other.

I am sure that I speak for Lee & Emma in thanking you all for coming today, and helping them to eat and drink through £10,000 worth of their hard earned money, condemning their early years of marriage to hardship, destitution and debt.

Before the toasts it is customary for the best man to give the bride and groom a few words of wisdom on married bliss. Now, I cannot pretend to be an expert on this subject and I doubt that any man can, but nonetheless I have found some words of wisdom which I would like to share with you.

Emma If you love something set it free, If it comes back it was and will always be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it. And remember, Men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.

Lee – This is a piece of advice that most of the married men in this room will all have learnt themselves, the best way to remember your wedding anniversary… is to forget it first time around.
And perhaps the most sound advice of all, remember always the three little words that women like to hear… You're right dear.

Read the cards for those who could not attend

Dear Lee & Emma

We hope that your wedding day has run smoothly and look forward to seeing you her at the Blue Bay Getaway in Mexico. We are putting something special on for you, the roof!

Dear Lee, From all of us here at Madame Thrashards spanking emporium, we hope you have a cracking day

Dear Emma,

Good luck on your wedding day, and hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently.
Love George Clooney

Dear Lee
Always remember the good times we had, and who knows maybe we will get the chance to do it again some time?
Love George Michael

I will leave the keys to the palace under the stuffed corgi. Love Anne

Just before I wrap this all up, I received this gift a few days ago for Lee. The card says that with this in your possession you will never feel lost again. Give box with pump in it

Just before the toast if some of you think I was too easy on Lee, then I apologise. But one day, I may need to return the favour!

Ladies, Gentlemen boys and girls can I please ask you to raise your glasses, but not to the bride and groom, but to my brother and sister:
may your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last for ever

Lee & Emma