Speech by Jon Parkin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jon Parkin
Speech Date: 19/01/2012 20:24:51

A wise man once told me that the best mans speech should last as long as it takes the groom to make love …..Thank you very much ladies and gentleman

For those of you who don't know me, I am Jonathan one of Andy's best friends.  I have the honour of being his best man. ….it is a great honour,  but in all honesty I am actually a little nervous about doing this.… but I do feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience..… it  was at the local old peoples home, …… I think it went down well,…..they all pissed themselves anyway

Firstly I'd like to congratulate Andrew on a truly magnificent speech.I always knew it would be difficult to follow one of your speeches, and I Was right…I couldn't follow a bloody word of it!

Seriously …I would like to say a big “thank you” to the bridesmaids for today….as you will all agree they have done a marvellous job and all look fantastic….

Indeed they are only eclipsed by Caroline herself, who I'm sure you'll agree looks absolutely stunning.

I would also like to thank the ushers……for at least turning up sober…nice one boys!

You know during the service today I couldn't help thinking its funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 28 years ago that John and Jill were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy………and it's happening all over again today.

I tried to link Andy's birth date to some major world event, but it seems that nothing much else happened that day… although the hospital staff  still refers to that day as “Ugly TUESDAY”.  In fact Andy was the only baby in Barnsley to have shutters on his pram!

Well I first got to know Andy when we started in the playschool at Hoyland common back when we were young. He was a slow starter even then…he wasn't like all the other 4 year olds….he was 12!

Since then we went right through school together where Andy was always top of the class. We studied together until our A’ levels, when we both went our own separate ways. Andy then went off to the University of Humberside … Hull ….to study European Business and software management ………….and I went off to the DSS, Barnsley, to sign on every fortnight.

Yes , Ladies and Gentleman …Here is a man who is now putting the letters Bsc. after his name , What he doesn't tell anyone is that they actually stand for Bronze Swimming Certificate

Some of you may be aware of Andrews's passion for cricket. What many of you don't know is that his interest in the sport was borne during his time at school. Andrew is a modest man – well, that's what he has insisted I tell you – so his cricket achievements are little known. But I can reveal today that at school, Andrew SCORED more runs than any other person in the entire cricket team – that was because he was always 12th man putting up the numbers the scoreboard at the pavilion.

When we were younger Andy loved to go out most nights of the week with his mates. We'd usually start at 7.30. Andy was very committed to his work, so he always felt the need to finish his drinks much slower than the rest of us, so that he had a clear head for work in the morning. After all he only drank 16 pints of Stella, 12 bottles of Budweiser's, and 10 pints of Kronenberg.

I actually decided that it might be a good idea to ask a few people at his work what they thought of Andrew. So I spoke to a couple of his work colleagues and apparently they refer to him as GODLIKE..… he's rarely seen..… he's holier than thou..… and if he ever does any work…..… it's a bloody miracle!!!

Many of you may be aware that Andrew and Caroline have been living together. The house has required a little bit of DIY work over the past year, and anyone who knows Andy will know that he is not exactly a DIY king…..However, in order to get the house looking good he assures me that over the past months he and Caroline have been banging and screwing at every opportunity.

At this point in my speech I would have liked to have told you about the stag nights both of them, but the law of the stag does not allow me to do this, and besides Andy's solicitor has advised caution until the charges are fully investigated.

Now its customary for the best man to give some words of wisdom to the newly weds on marriage. Me being single, I cant speak from experience so I went out looking for happily married couples that could offer some advice…… I'm still looking!!!

But I've drawn up my own words of wisdom……

Never go to bed on an argument………….Always stay up and argue.Always remember the three little words………..”You're right dear”.The best way to remember your anniversary……… is to forget it once.It is important to get on with your mother in law… My friend hasn't spoken to his for two years..… Not because he doesn't like her……..… he just doesn't like to interrupt.

I would like to read some messages from those who could not make it to this auspicious occasion.

MESSAGES…………………………..

There is also a card from those guys from the Rockingham Colliery cricket Club. It says,.… ‘Andrew was useless in all positions but we hope Caroline has more luck with him later’..… not sure what that means but anyway…

I would now like to thank Andy, it really has been a great honour to be your best man today, you are more like a brother to me than a friend. I love you man.

So then, Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses …….in a toast to Andrew and Caroline, the new Mr and Mrs Moore. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Andrew and Caroline.