Speech by Jon Spencer

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jon Spencer
Speech Date: Mar 2002
Introduction:

Good evening Ladies & Gentlemen, Girls & boys
My name is xxx, as part of the best man duo; I have the pleasure of slurring a few words on behalf of the groom, my mate xxxx or as he is sometimes known, xxxxx.

We've been friends for over 30 years, living next door to each other as kids,
Then going to same schools and university.
We share the same hobbies and passions;

We even support the same and the greatest football team in the world, Man City.
So I would say, I'm in a strong position to tell you about his life and to Dish the Dirt.

Unfortunately, or fortunately for xxxxx
This is a family wedding, and as we haven't reached the 9 o'clock watershed.

There are a number of events I won't be talking about.

These include a fetish for leather pants and whips that he developed at 17,
but I don't want to talk about this, as it would only ruin the good work that the numerous therapy sessions achieved.

Neither will I talk about his latest craze “Things to do on a Gymball.”

PAUSE

So Let me Begin

PAUSE

Xxxxx's First Kiss, which was incidently my first kiss as well.

At the tendor age of 10, we discovered girls.
Our first girl friends were called Alex & Jane.

Being romantic chaps, we'd take to them to the local beauty spots.
We'd charm the girls or BRIBE with sweets, in exchange for a kiss, a peck on the lips.

One afternoon, ZZZZZ, Xxxxx's brother caught us with these girls.
Being older & more worldly about such things, he decided to educate us in the art of french kissing.

Like a Gigiolo, he took Alex in his arms, and kissed her. Then did the same with Jane.
Pause

Two Hours later, with Xxxxx and I chomping at the bit, we finally managed to have ago
and well, we've never looked back.

So Yyyyy, if you've ever wondered why Xxxxx is so crap at kissing,
or maybe if hes like me
why hes such a fantastic snog, then ZZZZZ's your man.

PAUSE
Xxxxx the Sportsman – Our school years – played as many sports as we could. Football and boxing
Xxxxx was quite useful at boxing, he reached the Semi Finals of the National Boxing Comp

Football was true passion. If you've seen him play football, he wears his heart on his sleeve.
Like everything he does in life he always gives 100%.
He tackles with the ferocity of his Stuart Pearce and takes no prisoners.

The best Example – In 1983 – we reached the schools cup final.
Xxxxx at rightback, had the job of man marking a lad called “Jacko”, seriously quick.
Like Ryan Giggs, Jacko may have been the solution to Englands left. Headed for greatness.

From the first whistle, Xxxxx harassed, kicked & occasionally got a fair tackle in ,
but mainly kicked him from pillar to post.

The poor lad never did make it to the professional ranks, last seen in slipper factory in Todmorden.
But Heh! Who Cares, We won the Cup, and Xxxxx was the hero.
PAUSE

Xxxxx, you've tried a variety of positions in your time, and I'm sure it would help to settle a few disputes especially between Wiggy and Si, if we knew what your favourite position was.
So instead of asking you, I'd like to test the bride on this point.
So Yyyyy, What is Xxxxx's favourite position: Is it?

A) as the Big Fella in between the sticks
B) Tackling from behind at the back
C) Stroking it around in the centre of the park
D) Making a nuisance of himself in the box
Theres no conferring so please take your time, and Gymball is not an answer.

University
After 18 years together, we couldn't bear to be apart so we opted to go to the same university.

Xxxxx led a Jekal & Hyde life at \\.
During the day he was a geeky student studying electronic engineering
Fixing the fuses in plugs & playing with magnets.

But at night, he became a different animal, a wild, beer guzzling, SEX PEST.
As he tried to get off with as many of his mate's girlfriends as he possible could.

Sorry, I should have said “Ex” girlfriends, I guess that's how the rumours started, my apologies.

PAUSE

Xxxxx meets Yyyyy
In the summer of 1997, Xxxxx was going through a bit of barren patch.
So to give himself a kick-start, he went to Austria for one those action-packed adrenaline weeks.

Yyyyy and her friend Lucy were there too, pretending to be lesbians.
Xxxxx, thinking it was Xmas, was up for anything.

Eventually Xxxxx & Yyyyy plucked up the courage and the first kiss was made behind a tractor.
And so end eth the barren patch and the start of the rest of his life.

PAUSE

Xxxxx is currently the European Sales Manager for an electronics company.
I have a telegram here from the chairman, Mr Alfonso , and it reads:

Mr & Mrs TTTTTT,

Congratulations on your big day,
I would like to wish you both the very best of luck and happiness.

Hugs & Kisses
Big Gay Al

P.S.
Since you left on Thursday, Chip sales have increased by 250%
We expect global economic recovery to start on Monday.
So with this mind, I like you to spend as long as you can on your honeymoon.

PAUSE
Joking aside

Xxxxx you've been a great friend over the years.
Xxxxx & Yyyyy, I think you make the perfect couple.
and with AAAAA & BBBBB, you make the perfect family.
Pause
I'd like to wish you a long life of love, laughter and happiness.

So if everbody could be upstanding and charge your glasses, I'd like to propose a toast
The happy couple.