Speech by Jon Walsh

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jon Walsh
Speech Date: Aug 1999
Afternoon all, I'm sure you'll agree this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding celebration.
I'd like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the bride and groom for sharing their wedding day particularly for those who have travelled long distances, personally I wish you'd all stopped at home because things would've been a lot easier on me.

I've know Andy for about 25 years, so I think I can give you all a good insight into his character. Although we lived in the same street, we went to different schools, so we'll just have to take Andy's word for it that he got 12 O level grade 1’s , But it does seem unusual that being such a great scholar , his chosen career was to be head Tea Boy for wrekin homes, where he's worked since leaving school.

I've got to be careful what embarrassing stories I tell you all as their also embarrassing to me , and his mother doesn't know about most of them.

When he was a child , well he was ugly , his mum and dad used to stick him to the windows of supermarkets to stop him running about, which explains his large rubbery lips. In his teens he discovered his life's love hairspray and ear rings, he'd wear that much hairspray , that a hurricane couldn't move his hair , eventually the government banned him from using it, because of the o zone layer.

He was kicked out of the boys brigade, not having a clean hanky , well that's what he told his mom, the real reason was drink, fags, and women. He had a health scare when he contracted testonius roundus. To you and me that's twisted nuts, how he managed it, I don't know and nor do I want to, but for a long time after he was know as loppy bollock.

We've been on loads of holidays together , in Malta we had are room robed and didn't notice for 2 days, the only reason we did , was because Andy noticed his big can of hairspray and best ear rings were missing. In Grand Canaria he ended up with a dead ringer for Orvil the duck , who wore more hairspray than him, but it all ended in tears when their hair caused a static spark and caused poor Orvil to get 3rd degree burns to her scalp.

One of his favourite cars was his Triumph Acclaim, and being the poser he is one day he bought a plastic stick on car phone , but was heart broken when somebody broke in to steal the phone , it was found just down the road thrown on the floor.

Getting back to drink, we had our first pint at 15 years old , strolled into the barley mow and asked for a pint of cider , "Draft or bottled " asked the barman , "out of the pump like everyone else", was Andy's puzzled response . We were invited to a bar be Que. once, about half a mile from home where a great deal of booze was consumed, at about nine o clock we decided to go to the Albion for a couple of pints, needless to say, the usual 10 min walk , took a bit longer than normal, about 5 hours and 50 min's longer. Andy was found by his mom , wandering up and down Albion street wearing my socks and sweatshirt, trying to remember which was his house.

Well as much as he'd have liked to Andy couldn't go on living the playboy life. And so one night he went on a blind date and met Heather, a girl who doesn't mind him sucking his thumb when he lies in bed at night. Then along came Abi , his little peach, who is a credit to both to both Andy and Heather.

It really is a great honour to be Andy's best man, because Andy is one of the best men I know, he is my best friend and lifelong confidant, we've always been together , in fact from the age of 15-20 , Eve and Dave took me as a tax deduction on their tax returns, they had to recoup the money they spent on feeding me somehow. now can I please ask you all to stand and toast the new , MR & MRS LOPPY BOLLOCK.