Speech by Jon Willescroft

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jon Willescroft
Speech Date: sep 2003
Before I begin with Simon's character assassination, I should probably introduce myself, as a lot of you don't know me…my name is Jon…..my full name is actually Jon WhatcanIgetyou. For those of you who I meet in the bar later, I'd appreciate it if you could Use my full name.

I'd also like to remind you, that the more you laugh at my gags the faster my speech will be delivered…so it's in your own best interest…

I think being a best man can be a very nerve racking experience…(pause)… if there's one person here this afternoon feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead….then it's probably because you've just married Simon.

Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity, not only to demolish Simon's reputation and character, but also to talk about Simon AND Vicky as a couple.

In September 1998, Simon and I both started and met at Bath University. I think, in hindsight, going to Bath was one of the best decisions Simon ever made, as a few days in, he met Vicky. And from what I remember about 1st year (which frankly isn't a lot), within a few weeks they were spending a lot of their time together and started to get quite close…

I remember myself and the other lads in our house used to constantly badger Simon to make an advance. And as you'll probably know, Simon IS a bit of a fast mover when it comes to the ladies ..(pause…), so it took him only 1 year (pause…) (and several pints) to make his first move! ..… But what a move it was.

And ever since day one, I think it's been clear to anyone who's known them as a couple, that they're clearly meant to be together. In Vicky, Simon's found someone that is beautiful, intelligent, caring….and in Simon, Vicky's found…..well (pause)…a balding merchant banker. (turn to Simon) – I think we know who got the better deal…

Then, after University, Simon started working at Lehman Brothers in London. Simon's always been known to be a hard worker…in fact at Lehmans I believe he gets called ‘GOD’:
No-one ever sees him
He makes his own rules..…
And any work he does is a bloody miracle

Then, 4 years after first meeting Vicky, Simon popped the big question – and had it been any other of my mates that told me they were going to propose to their girlfriends, I'd have been a little surprised at the least.… But when Simon told me, I really wasn't – they're clearly meant to be together and seem to make each other very happy.

So who is this man that Vicky has just married???

Well, Simon was once described as ARROGANT, CONCEITED, INSENSITIVE and SELFISH…and…if anyone knows him it's his mum…

But over the last 5 years, Simon's been a great mate to me, and has helped me through all sorts of relationship and career disasters, and deep down he's one of the nicest, most generous guys I know.

I believe at this point I'm supposed to give some advice on married life and what lies ahead. Unfortunately, I've never been married, I'm scared rigid at the very prospect, and am totally in awe of the commitment these two are making to each other. Anyway, not being qualified to give advice, I asked some other people what they
thought the ingredients were to a long and happy marriage, so here are a few:

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…..and then do everything that Vicky tells you
Secondly, never be afraid that Vicky will leave you…she's spent a lot of time and effort training you, she's not going to throw that away lightly
And finally, try and get on with the mother in law. A friend of mine hasn't spoken to his mother in law for nearly 2 years… it's not because he doesn't like her…he just doesn't like to interrupt

On a more serious note, there's not many best men who can describe both the groom and the bride as a true friend, and in that, I think I'm very lucky. It is an honour, albeit a most terrifying one, to have been asked to be the best man here today. But if I'm honest I do feel a certain relief to see the end of my duties in sight, as I'm totally certain that Simon will never have a need to call on met to be his best man again.

As a final thought – “you don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them”…

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding and join me in a toast… to Mr and Mrs [groom's surname]…Simon and Vicky