Speech by Jon Wilton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jon Wilton
Speech Date: oct 2003
Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, Gabriella and Jessica, I'd like to thank Nigel for his complements. I have to say that they look very pretty, and have done an excellent job in accompanying Sarah. I would also like to offer my own complements to the ushers and Giles the musician (oboe player) on jobs well done too.
Now, about six months ago, Nigel made a welcome appearance at work one afternoon and looking a bit anxious he uttered the very precise statement:
"Jon I'm getting married and I'd like you to be my Best Man"
I was honoured and delighted to accept of course. Thank you, and thanks to Sarah for guiding him in his apparently careful choice.
Being keen to take the role seriously, I have taken some advice over the last few months about my formal responsibilities at such an occasion and came up with the following guidance:
I'd just like to quote from ‘The Best Man Checklist’. I must confess I was mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:
Bring a chequebook or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten. Never mind the payment I know Nigel will have already checked, and paid any outstanding bills but also got his Tesco clubcard card points wherever possible.
Help the groom dress – thanks, but no…if he hasn't learned by now…
Ensure that the groom:
Has his shoes tied; His face and hair are ‘in order’ (God didn't put them in order first time round, so what chance do I have?)
He uses the toilet. …….To be honest the problem wasn't so much ensuring that he uses the toilet, but one of getting him out of there!,
Nothing's between his teeth (or should that read his ears??);
And that and his fly is done up…"
Mmmm… Perhaps Joyce should have been his best man.
It also recommended I carry a first aid box in anticipation of any medical hitches during the proceedings today, these included Asprin, Rennies, deodorant, toothpaste and Valium. Well, the Valium we both finished off by 8.30, we've shared out the Rennies after the starter to control those pre-speech butterflies, but the Asprin, Nigel said he wanted to keep for later…….worried about headaches on the wedding night or something??
(Offer Nigel HANDY BOX OF ASPRIN, v large)
Another of my duties was the potentially delicate operation of keeping Nigel's ex's out of the way today. Thankfully this has been made a lot easier for two reasons:
One Frankly, there aren't that many two Sadly since the foot and mouth outbreaks last year, only Buttercup and Daisy remain with us, and they are still subject to livestock movement restrictions.
The key to finding a Best Man it said is one who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic, and one who will not offend nor create problems. Clearly I could add quite a few more attributes to his choice…smooth, soave, and sophisticated for example, but this is not really the place for me to be blowing my own trumpet!!
Let's just say that he made a considered careful choice, or so he thinks……..…
It also stated that the best mans’ speech is, for the groom, the most uncomfortable part of his day!!
So Ladies and Gentlemen, being conscious not to break with tradition this leads me onto the next part of my speech……………………
NIGEL
I had hoped the 6th August, Nigel's birthday would, through my extensive historical enquiries throw up some interesting notes, famous birthdays and events. Sadly all I could find was that on this date the Bee Gees topped the charts for the first time with "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart." , and a cat called Tara gave birth to 19 kittens!!!
……..there must be a hidden message there somewhere??
Nigel and I go back quite a long way, indeed first year infants at Llanelen Primary school, was about 32 and a bit years ago now, and we both share similar fond memories of childhood and school.
No doubt Joyce would love me to dwell on Nigel's school credits and achievements of which there were many. She will tell you he was never naughty and he had no trouble at school, he even did his homework on time and the teachers loved him, the perfect child. Of course you could take the alternative angle on this that he was one of those weird kids who wore white socks, liked poetry, pressing flowers, needlework, and by his own admittance was an expert at making peppermint creams ………
One of the comments that Joyce did make recently came following the very successful treatment of her cataracts, which of course was fantastic news. Unfortunately, one of the drawbacks of such a significant improvement in eyesight became evident when she declared "Ooh Nigel, havent you aged since I last saw you?"………………..…

Whilst talking about school-days, I felt it particularly appropriate to read out one of the telegrams at this point.…
it's from Mr Lenny Wilcox, the notoriously strict school rugby coach …it reads…..…
TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGE
6th June 2003
SENDER: Mr Lenny Wilcox (ex school rugby coach)
Congratulations both on your wedding day. STOPWe found Nigel useless in all positions STOPI hope Sarah has better luck with him STOP
At this point in trawling through Nigel's past, I realised that although we were close friends until the tender age of 16, since then we've often been geographically distant. On reflection then his choice of myself as best man was a very cunning one, because as far as character assassination is concerned a good few years of stories have been put into a locker that I can't open!
Still, as a wise old man once said, never let the truth stand in the way of a good story.
Now in order to make up for my lack of knowledge for these few years I took the opportunity to place an advert in the Argus.
It read as follows:- Notice: To Whom it May Concern
" Former bachelor extra ordinaire Mr Nigel **** of***************** is getting married on 6th June 2003 to his fiancee Sarah. Those of you still retaining keys to his house, would you kindly return them to the best man at the address below before this date.
If you would like to add a message wishing him well please do so.
I have a few of the more interesting keys right here.
(PULL OUT BIG BAG OF KEYS, SOME WITH ATTACHED PROPS)
Pull out a key with a BARBY DOLL attached to it with a note saying
"good luck Nige, something to remember me by"
Next I pull out a key with XXlarge bloomers attached to it with a note saying
" good luck Nigel, you left these on my sofa"
Pull out a key with attached envelope
" sorry I forgot to pay you my half share of our last meal out together", open the envelope to show to the audience a 50p piece
Time ticks on, and Nigel's quest for the perfect partner led him to various watering holes on the Newport Clubbing scene which I'm sad to say was his regular hang out. On one occasion however, he ventured to a more upmarket establishment, where something special was about to happen……….…
Just picture the scene here ladies and gentlemen, late evening, a smoke-filled room, and he catches the beautiful Sarah in the corner of his eye on the opposite side of the room. In his own seductive way, he sidles over to her, gently takes her hand and asks for the last dance…….They dance cheek to cheek and he politely offers to escort her home…………….and incidentally, declines the offer of a cup of coffee when they get there, as you might expect!
Well I'm sorry to shatter your illusions here, but I have it on very good authority that in fact Sarah made all the moves and, having established that Nigel and his friend were the only two farmers ever to venture out on the town in Newport, it was a straight toss up between the two.
Needless to say Nigel looked the better proposition of the two, but not as you would anticipate through his smooth, soave, sophisticated manner and his fine masculine physique,……..…
but, I'm told, it's because he looked less like John Travolta than his friend did!……………………………………..…
I'm sure you will all agree that Sarah chose well, and I hope my efforts to ensure that Nigel has was not turned out too much like John Travolta this morning have paid off.
The romance naturally blossomed, Nigel wooed Sarah with expensive clothing, jewellery, teddy bears, flowers and romantic candlelit restaurants…………..…
or just a simple evening out to one of Newport's well known beauty spots …..the layby outside Llanwern steelworks,
…………… and these seemed to coincide, I gather with uncanny regularity with "car trouble"……………
The old ones always seemed to work best eh?
……….… this brings me to another little gift I'd like to offer Nigel at this point…
( offer second wedding gift to Nigel..RAC MEMBERSHIP)

This brings me almost up to the present. I have to say that Nigel for one has not been the coolest of cucumbers during the last few months. But all along he has been adamant that he has never doubted his choice in Sarah, but has merely been anxious about the day's proceedings.
CARDS AND TELEGRAMS
Having now fulfilled nearly all my duties for the day, this brings me to the reading of cards and telegrams, and there's been a flood of good wishes received ladies and gentlemen:
Read 2 genuine cards.
Congratulations Nigel and Sarah…Nigel, your sense of fashion has been an inspiration to me during my TV career all the best Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen
Congratulations from Aunty Ethel and the budgie
Sarah, it was good while it lasted, shame you settled for him…………..and that one's from George Clooney

This is a nice one to end on I think……….it comes from the Playa los Arcos Hotel, Villamoura..… Congratulations to you both on this day. We much look forward to making honeymoon special and …..nice. Please not worry if there is …..… delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you………….the roof.
There we are, I could go on all day here, but I must cut to the toast

TOAST
Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Sarah and Nigel. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage together.
Sarah and Nigel…

Thank you very much

PROPS LIST:
VERY LARGE BOTTLE ASPRIN
RAC MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION FORM
LARGE BAG OF KEYS
BARBY DOLL
XXLARGE PAIR BLOOMERS
ENVELOPE WITH 50P INSIDE
? SOME SPARE CARDS
MESSAGE TAGS FOR KEYS