Speech by Jonathan Burhouse

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathan Burhouse
Speech Date: oct 2003
(Stand up and Cough)

(Smile and look round)

(Breath in deeply)

Good afternoon
Ladies and Gentlemen:

For those of you who don't know me My name is Jonathan or jonny

I'm Richard's elder brother and best man And probably right now
The most nervous man in Huddersfield.

A lot of best men suffer from speech nerves How ever as a member of the Burhouse family I have been looking forward to the opportunity Of being able to speak at the dinner table With out being interrupted for a change.

Firstly I'd like to thank and congratulate Richard on his shrewd choice of best man.

I had a feeling I was a possible contender, However I knew Richard HAD got some very close and very funny friends

Notice how I emphasise the word “had” their Richard

So I was really chuffed and honoured when he asked me to do the job of humiliating him in front of his new family.

It was only when I got round to gathering derogatory stories about Richard for the content of my speech that I realised that most of them were completely unsuitable for a speech at a family occasion.

However I have compiled a small pamphlet for the occasion entitled
“Richard Burhouse's bachelor years”

The truth about my battle with drinking, gambling and fast cars

Copies of this will be available later by the bar priced at one unit of alcohol per copy

On behalf of the Bridesmaids, I would like to thank Richard for his kind words.
I'm sure that everyone present will agree that Ruth and Louise look lovely And only surpassed in loveliness by my new sister in law Alison And surprisingly even Richard has made an effort for a change!

Finally I'd like to say a special thanks to Alison's Auntie Jean

If it weren't for jeans match making skills we wouldn't all be here today!

I've known Jean for as long as I can remember And over the years she's been like a second mother to Richard and me at work.

You know the kind of thing:

When are you going to tidy your office Jonny?
What are you going to do with your life Richard?

So when she noticed Richard had been looking a bit down in the dumps Jean showed him a stunning photo of her recently graduated niece Alison.

Richard was instantly smitten and once jean had revealed that Alison was available and had already taken a fancy to Richard whist doing her Work experience.

Richard was soon smiling again.

The next weekend a first date was hastily arranged and the rest as they say is History

In fact Richard Jean is still waiting for her commission.

When I asked jean what she thought About Richard and Alison getting hitched
She replied:
You know Jonny it's amazing how history repeats itself

It only seems a minute since Alison was going to bed
With her little dummy
And look
Now it's happening all over again!

Richard Oliver Burhouse was born on the 16th May 1975
Weighing in at 7 and a half pounds

I've tried to find something interesting that happened in 1975

According to the History books
The only historical events that occurred in 1975
Was the invention of the Video Tape?
And Paul McCartney being fined for growing Marijuana.

My parents tell me that the first time I was introduced to my brother
Was at the princess royal maternity home just after he'd been born

In those days fathers weren't expected to be present at the birth
So I expect my dad picked me up from my grandparents on the way home from the dusty miller.

I don't think I was expecting a baby brother that day because
When I looked over the cot and laid eyes on this tiny hairy little thing

my first words to Richard were:

Doggy?

However it didn't take long for me to get over my disappointment as I found that Richard could be put to good use in the lower ranks of the Longwood Edge junior Territorial Army Where he helped me battle against the evil Hun

Or Mum and Dad as we now call them.

It was soon after this that Louise arrived and the terrible trio as we were locally known and feared were fully established.

Nowadays you can find the three of us all working together in the same office Which is real progress when you consider some of the family holidays that my dad still has nightmares about.

Personally I wouldn't like to comment on mine and Richards working relationship, as it is a very sensitive area

However according to Richards ex manager
Working with Richard is a bit like working with God

You never see him And if he ever does any work it's a bloody miracle

On Richards stag party in Brighton I took the opportunity of asking Richards friends to pick key words to describe the true Richard they knew and loved.

Richards's friends described him as Generous, loyal, trustworthy and enthusiastic

But to be fair they had all had a lot to drink by then

However richards's friends mostly described him as being Argumentative and highly opinionated As especially when he's had a drink

In fact Richard will even agree himself I hope That he even enjoys a good argument And will go out of his way to enforce his dogmatic opinions on unsuspecting victims.

In fact Richard loves arguing so much That he once confessed to his mum.

“I love arguing mum” “But sometimes in the middle of the argument
I realise that I'm wrong

But I just keep on going”

Apparently Richard is already enforcing his opinions on Alison's Mum Val about which Newspaper he thinks she should read.

Here are a couple of subjects that you should all be careful
Not to mention around Richard later this evening:

“It is acceptable to support Liverpool even though you live in another town”

“The Daily Mail offers well formed unbiased opinions
Unlike say the guardian”

“Anything regarding Popular Music especially talent less commercial bands such as cold play or the Beatles”

To be fair though Richard does know some facts and figures
And sometimes has a good point to make.

I remember him once being ridiculed at the dinner table by his entire family for over six months about his crazy opinion that Mozzarella Cheese was actually made from Buffalo Milk

I'd like to take this opportunity Richard to apologise on behalf of the family.

Sorry Richard you were right
Mozzarella cheese is made from Buffalo milk.

Richards Argumentative Gene Condition is unfortunately untreatable however the symptoms do mysteriously disappear whenever he is around Alison?

Which is another reason why we are so glad she has decided to join the family

I'm sure that Richard will make a wonderful Husband to Alison as long as he remembers this piece of ancient wisdom:

A man who gives in when he is wrong
Is a wise man.

However

A man who gives in when he is right
Is a married man.

And here's a little advice for Alison to consider:

Producing a husband is a similar process to making fine wine:

It is your job to stamp on Richard in the dark until he matures into something you would like to have dinner with.

(read out any cards)

Finally it would give me great pleasure and not to mention great relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses

To the bride and groom.