Speech by Jonathan Buxton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathan Buxton
Speech Date: 02/09/2012 15:39:12

Before the customary humiliation of the bridegroom, it is my duty to thank Oliver on behalf of the bridesmaids, Alice, Lizzie, Olivia and Sophie for his kind words. I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job. Indeed they are only eclipsed by Emma herself, who, I'm sure you will all agree looks absolutely stunning.

It is a great privilege to be asked by Oliver to be his best man. He has quite generously returned the favour that I asked of him 6 years ago, during which time Oliver took the opportunity to make lots of cheap jokes at my expense, so I now have the right to reply.  It is certainly an improvement on our younger relationship where, at the age of 4, when I couldn't swim, Oliver pushed me into a swimming pool and happily watched me begin to drown – luckily we were not on our own and some quick thinking by an onlooker meant that I am still here today to get my revenge.

A wise man once told me that the best man's speech should last as long as it takes the groom to make love…So thank you all very much ladies and gentlemen, have a great day!!

Oliver and Emma you're finally married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Oliver couldn't have done any better and Emma really couldn't have done any worse.

I am told that a best man's speech should follow three simple rules – stand up, speak up and then, very quickly, shut up – if you can't hear me shout and if I go on too long please start throwing things.

I once went to a wedding and the best man stood up and explained how the groom being a man who had led a chaste and quiet life had given him very little juicy material for off colour and racy stories to fill his best man's speech. Well the good news is that is not the case with Oliver..… the bad news is that I have so much material we could be here for some time. No of course I am only kidding……….… I do have plenty of material but 90% of it's not fit for public consumption and most of the really bad stories also involve me and I have no desire to tarnish my impeccable reputation. Although I have known Oliver for longer than I can remember I thought that it would be a good idea to ask his friends for their impressions of him and to give me some words that best describe him and what he is best known for.

The first thing that people spoke about was Oliver's love of Land Rovers and being an engineer his “talent” for doing up and “improving” old vehicles.  Oliver has had a selection of vehicles throughout his life all of which have been modified in some way from his series 2 land Rover to which he fitted an overdrive, to his Land Rover 101 which he bought, spent several thousand pounds having parts made to his own design, that then didn't fit, and then sold before it was made road worthy for less than he paid for it..  Sadly however Oliver's tinkering did not always work out for the best and, when he crashed his Land Rover in Bristol, he had to take it to Andy's house in Wales and remove the illegally modified oversized turbo intercooler and the very trendy luminous cooling piping that he had put into the engine before he told his insurance company.  Having 2 Land Rovers has also been useful to Oliver as it has meant that on those occasions in the middle of the night when he has put one of them into a ditch he has been able to walk back home, pick up the second one and drag the first one out of the ditch – a task he completed without disturbing anyone else in the house!

The next thing that people spoke about was the University boat club.  This was a club that Oliver dedicated much of his university life to and he was always driving at the drop of the hat to get the boats from one place to another or to get a group of rowers out to the boat house.  Oliver was one of the dedicated few who keep clubs like this running, giving up his time, repeatedly and usually for no reward, always without complaint.  As you all know Oliver comes from a long line of rowers from Oxford and Cambridge and for all of his life he has aspired to be as great as his forebears.  Therefore I cannot imagine how proud his family were the first time that he rowed in the University boat race, a feat he repeated 4 times – and, unbelievably he had a 100% win rate beating the University of the West of England on every occasion!  Sir Steve Redgrave famously asked to be shot after winning a gold medal at the Olympics. Oliver's last race for the Bristol Alumni crew ended with a record as well, squeezing in a pint and a cigarette approximately 3 minutes after crossing the finishing line and 30 seconds after stepping out of the boat.  Oliver also retired on the spot and even refused to row the boat back to the trailer, making the current students row the boat back to the start for him.

This success however is not what will stick in everyone's minds the most – the picture that he will be most remembered for is the one of him on the TV channel E4 where, as part of a documentary on the boat club, we saw Oliver preparing for a dinner night, ironing his shirt wearing nothing but an apron and a pair of yellow marigold!

The final subject that people mentioned was Bandicoot and Shingle Street.  Bandicoot is Oliver's second favourite lady and she is even here today however with the amount of money he lavishes on her and time that Oliver spends in her it could be argued that Emma does not always come out on top.  The only good thing is that there are now three of them in the relationship and anyone who has been on one of the shingle street weekends will testify as to how much Emma also loves her. Fingers crossed they won't get beached in the Thames estuary and have a lifeboat launched for them.  Again.

I know a lot of people here are probably wondering just what does Emma see in Oliver? Well I have known him a long time and too be fair….I don't know either!  Oliver you are a lucky groom to have married Emma – she is beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. She deserves a good husband so thank goodness you married her before she found one.  I think that anyone who knows Oliver will have noticed that since meeting Emma there have been one or two changes for the better and I have been reliably informed that he has even managed to get to a couple of places on time.  Indeed during Emma's finals Oliver managed to ensure that she received a good luck card on the morning of all of her exams.  Worried that he might be pushing it to get her a card for first thing on the Monday morning he drove there and hand delivered it to make sure that it was not late.

Oliver and Emma have shared many romantic moments throughout their time together and I would like you to both share one with us all here today.  Emma please can you put your right/left hand flat on the table and Oliver please can you place yours on top of it.  Marvellous, I would like you to remember and treasure this moment forever….the last time you will have the upper hand Oliver. On a more serious note I have known both Oliver and Emma for many years and value their friendship immensely. Oliver always has and always will be a great friend and I am proud and happy to have played a part in such an important day of his life.

Before I finish I have a couple of messages to read out from people who couldn't be here today. READ OUT ANY MESSAGES

There is also another person who cannot be here today.  Oliver's father Jonathan – a man who played a huge part in so many of our lives.  All through the day, as I've looked around at everyone having such a great time, I've thought about how much Jonathan would have loved this wedding. Everyone who knew him will remember how much he enjoyed occasions like this – music, having fun, eating, laughing, having a drink… or two — that was the Jonathan we all loved. And of course, he would have been awfully proud and very happy to be here knowing that Oliver was marrying such a wonderful woman and having this amazing party at the house that he loved. We all miss his presence greatly, but we know that he would have wanted everyone here to have a wonderful time. That's what we intend to do, but first, let's raise our glasses and drink a toast to Jonathan… ladies and gentlemen, to Jonathan, the father, husband and friend we'll never forget.

Before finishing I would once again like to wish Oliver and Emma all the happiness in the world.  When Oliver rang to tell me that he had asked Emma to marry him I was delighted.  They are the most perfectly suited couple in every way and I know that they will spend the rest of their lives happily together.  It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to the new Mr & Mrs Close-Brooks. To Oliver and Emma.