Speech by Jonathan Hicks

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathan Hicks
Speech Date: sep 2002
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, before I go any further with the part
of today's proceedings that I've been dreading for the past few weeks, I
must say a big thank you to Howard for asking me to be his best man.
Cheers mate ?

There is an old saying when it comes to the best man speech that it's a
lot like making love to the queen…..it's a great honour to be asked but
when it finally comes down to it, nobody really wants to do it.

I think that it's important for me to explain why I am standing here. I
have know Howard for nearly 12 years but I feel that it should not just be
me stood here as there are a few others in this room, you know who you
are, that could also qualify for the role as best man.

You see, we have a very close group of friends and most of us have known
and socialised together for the last 10 years, some more. The only reason
I'm stood here is because I was the only one who wanted to do it but also
because I have only just given the Father of the Bride Speech at my
sisters wedding and he thought I'd be an old hat at giving this type of
speech by now…how wrong he was.

Now it's always traditional for the best man to give you an insight into
the life of the Groom and to recall some comical moments from his past in
an attempt to totally embarrass him.

To do this I've not just drawn on my own memories but have also asked some
of his closest friends to quote some interesting milestones from the
history of Howard Danger Thomas to date. We have spent many hours racking
our memories and have come up with quite a few (produce wads of paper).
Only joking mate ..

I'd like to firstly point out that the majority of these tales were, of
course, an occurrence of H being under the influence of many pints and are
certainly not a true representation of his normal character..…

Stewart, thanks mate, recalled the time that Howard passed out in his
bathroom after a night on the beers in Aylesbury, however, not like any
normal person who would just fall asleep on the floor..somehow he woke up
with his legs wrapped around the toilet and unable to move them due to
severe leg cramps..

PM, cheers buddy, has pitched in with the time that Howard wet himself on
the return train journey after an evening out in London, the time that he
argued with the manager in a burger king restaurant over a wrestling
figurine that was given away with the kids meals and, to stretch even
further back, the many occasion that he wore makeup whilst in the Army.

Hefty came up with some blinding historical moment from the life of Mr
Thomas, many of which I'll save for tales at the bar later. He recalled
the time when Howard had no choice but to dress up as a secretary for a
murder mystery evening due to the odd number of females to male, also the
time that he threatened to walk home to Aylesbury whilst on an evening out
in Reading. In fact, I think it was the very same evening that we caught
him chatting himself up in a mirror in a night club which was very
amusing. Hefty also pointed out Howard's record with pets, more so the rat
that finally managed to escape and was found some weeks later living the
life in the flat down the corridor.

His annual claims to getting a driving licence "this year" and, finally,
his big passion for tanks was mentioned by everyone.

For those of you who don't know Howard, after leaving Aylesbury Gay, sorry
Grammar School to fight for his country he spent 6 years in many locations
throughout the world driving tanks, which is why he has such a passion for
any kind of tracked vehicle. So….I thought that it would be fitting that
you too could all share in this passion on this memorous day. Howard, we
thought that this would help you continue your love affair with tanks,
just as long as you promise to not wear it this evening as I'm sure Jude
would not appreciate your battle commanding abilities on your wedding
night. (put hat and goggles on H) or maybe she would ?

It might not be traditional and I know that Mike has already embarrassed
her enough already, but, it wouldn't be fair for me to not say a few words
about the lovely bride.

I first met Jude at a local pub quiz where the three of us, Jude, Naomi
and myself, were up against the local pub quiz professionals, who happen
to have much larger teams as well. Needless to say we completely
obliterated the competition with our superior intellect and walked away
from the evening with the first prize, a case of beer.
It might have had something to do with the landlady leaving the answers on
full view to our team.

Naomi and myself are sort of to blame for the reason that you are all here
today and for those of you who might be interested, Naomi is setting up
her own dating agency.

They have also had some memorable moments as a couple, the one that sticks
in my mind the most is the "Great Boot Flinging Contest" that they decided
to have , again under the influence of course, on their way home one
night. They thought that it would be a good idea to see how high they
could throw Jude's knee high boots that she, up until that point, had been
wearing all night. Jude with her competitive nature went one step further
and managed to fling her boot so high that it landed on the roof of a
nearby office block. H's drunken attempts do the chivalrous thing and
retrieve the said boot were…Apparently.pathetic (a lot like his video
game playing ability). Anyway, after many attempts at trying to scale the
battlements via the drainpipe, they were just about to give up when a
"sober" passer by managed to scramble up to the roof so that she could go
home with all her footwear.

On a serious note, since H and Jude have been together they have had their
highs and lows as every couple do but, from the part of their lives that I
have had the pleasure to have known them, I know that they are totally
devoted to each other and that will always conquer the hardest of times
that life will throw at them.

They have now embarked on a great journey together in more ways than one
and I know that the next 9 months whilst you are travelling the globe will
be just a special to you both as the rest of your lives together.

Thankfully for you all that's pretty much it from me, I have just a few
more honorary tasks to complete, one of which is to

Read cards/telegrams?????

Finally, could I ask you to all be upstanding and raise your glasses just
once more….to howard and jude..