Speech by Jonathan Holmes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathan Holmes
Speech Date: Jun2007
Good afternoon Ladies &amp Gentlemen, for what seems like the tenth time today I find myself rising from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

I want to start by saying thank you to everybody for coming today I know a lot of you have come a long way to be here – in particular Donna's sister Alison and her husband Keith who have travelled from Spain………………isn't it amazing what some people will do for a free meal and some complimentary booze.

I am afraid I have got a bit of bad news for Paul to start with.. Late last night thieves broke into The City of Manchester Stadium and stole the entire contents of Manchester City's trophy room. Police are looking for two men carrying a light blue carpet

In the run up to today Paul &amp Donna had a bit of an issue with the seating plan because they really couldn't decide who to put where. So as Best man I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided was to use the wedding present list and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front and work it back from there. So if you can hear me at the back…..Thanks for the oven glove Lucy &amp Klaus.

It is a privilege to be Paul's best man as Paul is one of my oldest friends having met at school when we were nine years old. It was around this time we joined Sandy lane football club and over the years football has been a constant Theme in both our lives. In fact it is probably appropriate that during this speech I should compare football to the various periods in Pauls life since we met

I'll start with the early years – The second division years – It was during those early years that we became firm friends, I remember fondly having to drag Goalkeepers or defenders off Paul due to the ‘committed’
way he played the game. On one occasion Wortleys goalkeeper had only just returned from a lengthy ban for ABH of another centre forward when Paul decided to make his presence felt by inserting both sets of his studs in the goalkeepers knees – needless to say yet again I had to sprint half the length of the field to help prevent Paul being throttled. Of course when ever the reverse were to happen and I needed Paul's help he was always there for me and it was in these early years I soon realised he was a very true and loyal friend and someone whom I could always depend.

During my research for this speech – and yes believe it or not this was researched I visited Pauls grandparents. Now it was during this visit I learnt about a love in Pauls life that will come as a surprise to many of you, and someone that I previously knew nothing about……………….Kermit the frog. Apparently as a child Paul and Kermit were inseparable and even to this day when Paul visits his grandparents he will not have a drink out of any other mug than his favourite Kermit mug. So with very special dispensation from Jim Henson and your grandma and granddad, in order to make your day even more special than it already has been I have arranged to have your Kermit mug here today – pour beer in mug.

With Paul now content and comforted I will move on with my speech to the First division years.

A lot happened in our mid to late teens – we both got part time jobs – I worked at a carpet shop sweeping up and Paul dabbled in the retail sector – although I don't know many people who got sacked from Netto! – not the best start to your working life. Not put off by this cruel exit from his previous position Paul later landed a summer job – this time he aimed higher –bin man – a position that lasted a mere 24 hours before he couldn't put up with the smell anymore and quit to pursue a career in the leisure sector – pulling pints at the Tut'n Shive was definitely more his fortay and a job he managed to hold down for quite a while.

It perhaps shouldn't come as much of a surprise that he was a good barman as we had begun acquainting ourselves with the other side of the bar for a couple of years before. We were regulars around the Bingley pub circuit from the age of 17 so by the time of Pauls 18th birthday he had an extensive circle of friends who all watched in amazement as he drank 10 tequila slammers in the Brown Cow, knocked a table over and passed out in the car park – to my knowledge I don't think Paul has touched tequila since.

It was the summer before the Brown Cow Tequila vomiting incident that Paul and I went on our first holiday together – Benidorm. Now you know what it's like – you get to your hotel, your excited you throw your bags down and head off out. Well having been in Benidorm for about an hour we were by the pool – checking out the…the……..surroundings.

Now being a fair skinned teenager I immediately slapped on the old sun tan lotion and noticed Paul wasn't. When I asked him if he wanted to borrow mine he replied “ Don't need it mate, I don't burn”

Now as if I wasn't peed off enough that he was good looking, dark haired and had a perma tan I now find out he doesn't even need to apply sun screen. As the afternoon passed by we soaked up the sun and even got talking to a couple of young ladies – result! Everything was going well- they'd been there for a couple of days so they were giving us a couple of tips.… I said tips… as in advice. I thought it was Christmas – two girls, first day – Brilliant. That is until one of the girls said to me “is your friend OK?, he looks a bit pale”. Now as soon as she said he looked a bit pale I knew something was wrong!

I turned round to see Paul being sick over the back of a sun lounger- Sun stroke.

Ten minutes earlier our evening would have consisted of a few drinks with a couple of young ladies – as it turned out I spent several hours serving Paul iced water while he was talking to god down the big white telephone – cheers mate.! Thankfully that turned out to be a minor blip and we went on to enjoy a great holiday.

It was around this time that I had a scare during one football match which for a brief period I thought threatened Pauls very existence. After our early years playing for Sandy Lane we both moved into open age football together and joined Salts football club. During this particular game which happened to be a big Semi Final I was on the subs bench and Paul was injured and was a spectator. He and Manny stood by the dugout during the first half so I was talking to them – just before half time there was a bad tackle in the middle of the field which resulted in a Salts player breaking his leg – so bad in fact that an ambulance had to be called. Play resumed and eventually the half time whistle went .

Paul and Manny headed for the bar for a pint no surprise there. After half time Paul &amp Manny were no were to be seen perhaps this was inevitable as the bar was still open!, then one of the other spectators said Paul had passed out in the bar during half time – now even Paul and Manny can't get that drunk in 15 minutes! – so I was obviously worried. I forgot to mention earlier this was a midweek evening match so just in case any of you are ahead of me – this time it wasn't due to a lack of suitable sun cream or a sun hat!

I spent the next couple of hours racking my brain and becoming quite worried. When I got home I rang Paul and his mum answered … whats happened to Paul I said……Is he alright I said….I'm worried Joan I said….Joan laughed. He's squimish Jonny she replied he passed out because that bloke broke his leg! He's even worse if he sees blood!

So a word of advice Donna, if you intend having Paul present at the birth of any children you may have – don't forget to request a padded delivery suite and a crash helmet so he doesn't bang his head…………..oh and if it's a sunny day ….suncream!

It was during these championship years that Pauls haircut changed for probably the only time that I can remember – he grew his hair long – with big curtains covering his eyes – the reason I remember this so vividly is because it was bang in time for my wedding and he is all over my wedding photos looking like an Asian Chesney Hawkes!

Through our mid to late twenties Paul &amp Donna's relationship grew and I think we could all see how much in love they became – The posh &amp Becks of Bingley. Eventually to everyone's delight Paul proposed last year- with both of them being two of my closest friends I was over the moon – Paul was at last promoted to the Premier League when he got engaged to Donna.

Paul and Donna have successful careers, a lovely house, close family and a large circle of friends.… Together they are truly premiership class.

In the lead up to the wedding of course there have been hugely enjoyable Stag and Hen parties. The stag do was a great weekend. I should have realised what a good time we were going to have when a week before we flew to Berlin from John Lennon airport in Liverpool, Dave asked me how long it would take to get to Elton John airport!

Now as I understand it it is customary for the Groom to have a drunken time on his stag do and make a fool of himself. Now Paul did quite a good job of this, however this was eclipsed by the father of the groom having to be picked up off the floor of an Irish bar and carried home on the first night and the father of the bride getting lost on the train system at 4am in the morning and having to get a taxi back to the hotel from the other side of Berlin……….… The old uns are the best uns!

Obviously I wasn't at the Hen party but I understand Lindsey did a wonderful job in organising it and everyone had a great time. One particular story I have managed to glean from a couple of the girls was the details of a Mr &amp Mrs game. As I understand it Paul was asked various questions before they left for Barcelona and Donna had to guess his answers during one of the nights out to see just how well she knew her husband to be! Each of the hen party asked Donna one of the questions, how unfortunate then that Joan, Pauls mum got the question that read “where is the most unusual place you have had………how shall I say it……..got jiggy”.

Rumour has it there was a discrepancy as Donna said her red Rover and Paul answered the kitchen table!

Either way that's the last time I go to their house for dinner and I'll make my own way home tomorrow thanks Donna!

Perhaps Derek, Anne, Manny &amp Joan should be prepared, with Pauls fondness of David Beckham and the way he does things the name of your first grandchild could have been Rover or Ikea.

That reminds me, I need to ring my babysitter after this and find out if Odean and Blackpool are behaving themselves.

It has been my pleasure and privilege to be Paul &amp Donna's best man and I am delighted to have played a small part in such a big day – thank you.

Ladies and Gentlemen on behalf of Lindsey and I please be up standing, charge your glasses….a toast…..to the new Mr &amp Mrs Wojtas….Paul&amp Donna

One final thought ….isn't it funny how history repeats itself…..30 years ago Derek and Ann were putting Donna to bed with a dummy ……and here they are today doing it all over again.

Thank you.