Speech by Jonathan Marriott

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathan Marriott
Speech Date: May2005
Ladies and Gentlemen

I'm sure you agree, today has been wonderful, but every silver lining has a cloud…..and …..I'm it.… so your going to have to put up with me for the next few minutes..

For those of you that don't know me, my name's Jonny and I'm the best man , I've been friends with J for many years and I hope to still be friends at the end of this speech !!

First of all let me say how beautiful the bride looks, I'm sure you'll agree – L looks absolutely amazing

Also a very special mention to the flower girls Abbie and Lucy, they look lovely

Next let me thank the bridesmaids Nicky, Rachel, Jenny and Laura on doing a fabulous job and I'm sure u agree they all look stunning.

And so that I don't leave anyone out, a big thank you to the ushers : Ted, Dave and Paul , u all look lovely as well !!…..…

and you did a great job!!…….ushering

When J asked me to be his best man today, part of me was honoured, part of me was terrified, but mostly I was laughing to myself that he's finally admitting what we've known all along, that I am, in fact, better than him !

Having never been a best man before, I had to spend several hours surfing the internet to try and find out exactly what my duties would be. But I got a bit sidetracked, there's a lot of pictures of Britney Spears on there !!

What I did gather is that after getting the groom through the stag night and to the church I had a few moments to tell a couple of stories about the groom and offer some words of advice.…

So let me start by saying that I hope L has more direction in life than J. If you know him then you'll know his sense of direction isn't his strong point. It's ironic since he's got a degree in Geography! I'll never forget orienteering in Dartmoor and after walking in circles for 5 hours in the rain and mist, J finally admitting that he took the last compass bearing on a sheep ! (But he has always liked sheep!)

Also I want to warn Leila right now that J's a bit of an arsonist…..(I said arsonist lads!!!)……

back in the summer of ‘86, myself and J were 13 years old..… J still had hair..… it was a brilliant summer, long hot school holidays that stretched on forever, ahhh those were the days.… and the highlight for us was a scout camp in the New Forest…

Now being at a lose end one afternoon in the middle of the Forest, J has his first bright idea of the afternoon, he decides that it'd be a great idea to go and buy some matches, so off we go in search of a friendly newsagent to sell us some.

Being dressed up in our scout uniform looking like ‘butter wouldn't melt’ the shopkeeper had no hesitation in selling them to us.… but I'm still not sure why he let us buy 20 boxes each!.

The next part of JW's amazingly brilliant plan was play genie the box. For those of you not familiar with this entertaining pastime it involves setting fire to the whole box in one go to get the maximum flame and bang…J was pretty accomplished at genie the box…

The last part of this genius plan was to flick lit matches at each other, now this is where things got a little interesting….competition between us has always been keen, sometime bordering on intense and in an attempt to hit me , John, in his own special uncoordinated way, fired a lit match into the biggest Gorse bush in the New Forest!

Within seconds flames were 8 feet high, all we could hear was the crackle and roar of a major fire, fearing for our lives AND of being caught red handed we made our way back to the camp and invented a likely cover story involving some local hoodlums setting fire to the countryside.

To our credit we did organise a chain gang of 50 people with buckets of water and eventually the sixth fire engine managed to put out the flames.!

Hot on their heels (so as to speak) came the local press and photographer. I still have the proud picture of the Scout Heroes (as we were now known) captured for all posterity.

I've taken the liberty of attaching a copy of this article to the bottom of your tables so you can have a momento of this special day………..… I've circled J's face – his expression is classic – the face of a scared man! Actually – that's pretty much what he looked like in the church this morning!!

And finally L, as if you need reminding, J is a bit forgetful.

When we were teenagers J decided to borrow Tim's brand new mountain bike. J in his usual organised way forgot to lock the bike while he popped into the shop. Some local thief saw his chance and decided to steal the bike and make his getaway through the town, J gave chase and the thief, fell off his bike in shock at seeing a big hairy 15 year old running towards him. A scuffle ensued with J gaining the upper hand by SITTING ON HIM until the local police arrived…

So it has to be said that L has her work cut out.

And now a few words about L! I first heard about L when J was in freshers week at University – he seemed smitten from that first conversation about her. And when I met her I could see why: gorgeous, bright, funny, energetic… short-sighted… Best of all she could drink more than him… although that's not that hard! From that day on I knew he'd met someone special.

They used to ‘study’ together late into the night and although John took his time about it – like buying his round! – they eventually got together. And they've been together ever since.

I've known J for a long time, he has been the best friend and is a great guy and I know he will be a great husband….and I'm delighted for both of you…

Marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without. And I can't imagine J and L without each other.

Before I finish I'd like to offer this J and L this old Irish blessing:

May the road rise to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face.

And rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

And lastly, can we all be upstanding, while I propose a toast…

To the bride and groom!